How to Survive a Breakup

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I began the year of 2012 as a new single woman in her twenties. Now I must admit, the breakup did not come as a shock based on two individuals unable to move forward without fighting words. Despite my breakup, I was applauded on my newfound lifestyle viewed by the masses as a result of social media. Social media is a funny thing. Everyone’s’ lives seem so perfect through quickly updated statuses, nightlife uploads, and creatively stated check ins. Ironically it is social media that has been responsible for plenty of the drama we all wish to hide. You remember that photo at the club you uploaded while your man was working graveyard? Yea, he was pissed. Remember that Instagram photo you posted when your girl was home sick? Yea, she was pissed. And don’t you remember that ambiguous status you wrote after a miscommunication through text, because no one seems to believe in phone calls? Yea, pissed and your hashtags in a text didn’t help. Guilty. You are now single, aren’t you?

I know a lot of people who became engaged this year. No, seriously, two weeks ago I knew eighteen engagement rings and marriage licenses were handed out. Today I know twenty-three. Right?! Among the constant congratulatory posts and perfectly filtered engagement ring photos, it was messages from individuals asking me for one piece of advice that stood out. “How did you survive your breakup?” Through their eyes, it seemed like I had it all figured out.  

To help you through this post I am going to ask you, my readers, to do a few things. Get comfortable in your seat, this may take a minute. Grab a glass of wine, it adds to the ambiance. Listen to my story, gain perspective.

In 2007 I ended a four-year relationship with someone who was perfectly imperfect. I find it funny when people applaud the divorcee while attacking the divorcer. Breaking someone’s heart that was still in yours is no easy task. Than try living with them for six months post breakup as a result of a signed lease and two low-income students without a plan. It is not to your benefit or to mine to explain my reasoning behind our break, however, the aftermath is what I wish to highlight. Post breakup, I was approached numerous times by all walks of life: his friends, my best friends, my own mother, explaining what a mistake I made. Everyone had an opinion. His friends called me slut, whore, bitch, and every critique imaginable. Other friends informed me I was responsible for ruining someone’s life and was responsible for his leave to the military. In six months, a lease was broken and I found myself homeless, spending the night on couches for a nine-month period.

And to think you thought I had it all together? The year after my breakup was one of the harder years and you better believe cupid was on my shit list. There was no room for me to “lose it” after my breakup and with that I learned valuable lessons related to this topic. I promise, it does get easier, it just takes trial and error. You asked how I survive breakups. I am no expert but based on my experiences, I can provide you with what I have come to know through five identified steps in How to Survive a Breakup. I apologize in advance to my male readers; unfortunately, this is a lesson for the young women in “survival” because it is not my place to speak for you. However, stick with me on this one, you may gain perspective.

Step One: The “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Breakup

Ladies, you’ve just been dumped. Like literally, he broke up with you on the phone while you were driving on the Highway 5 during commute traffic. I know, I know, it’s said to be mutual. In fact, you had your whole speech prepared for that evening when you were going to announce to him “we need to talk, it’s over.” Naturally, it didn’t go as planned and no sooner had you hung up the phone and logged onto Facebook to find “Kaitlin is now single.” Thank you Facebook for that notification and the ex for the news, I was not aware. Numerous calls and texts begin streaming in with questions and concerns for a newly updated relationship status. So what do I do? Exactly what you should not do. Post on Facebook. Please excuse my language, I was recently an Angry Single Woman caught in LA traffic. The post: “Bitch ass [men] making bitch ass moves.”  Not my best moment.

Lesson 1: When you have just heard “it’s not you, it’s me” or “this isn’t working” or any other classic form of a breakup, do not post any form of social media for at least 24 hours. You know what, multiply that number too as high as you think you need. Unless you look real good, I’ll let that slide. Read Swag Etiquette. Resume. The Angry Single Woman routine is important, but let’s go a different route.

Step Two: The Angry Single Woman

Someone recently asked me if I was the Angry Single Woman in which I refer to in Swag Etiquette. I take pride when I share that those posts are actually not about me but rather what I have observed. I know, hard to believe when you see me take full advantage of the ratchet clap and hashtag #BAN in my posts. However, how could I end 2012 without some admittance to my Angry Single Woman ways? You know, those nonconventional actions you take fresh out of a breakup? Some burn houses. Some slash tires. Some key cars. Most certainly not my style, after all, three of my four exes never owned a car and they often were in my house. However, I am guilty. Guilty of those ambiguous Facebook statuses as previously reported. I am guilty of pulling a Katy Perry ‘I Kissed a Girl’ moment at Tru and consumed unlimited Tequila when my limit was at three when you arrived hand in hand with a woman after you just told me you loved me. I am guilty of excess ratchet claps, head nods, and Z-snaps at the least opportune times, most often after those infamous LA dates. I am guilty simply of being a woman who has been hurt.

Lesson 2: Anger is often a result of frustration and sadness. We find ourselves frustrated in that he cannot see what we have to offer. We experience sadness when we realize he has no interest in it at all. So often we are criticized when we show any emotion. Express your anger, seriously, do it. However, do it legally. Do it safely. Do it where he cannot be witness. It is funny how people hold on and judge our less than lady-like actions yet they forget how well we performed in previous cases. Don’t give him reason to believe his decision to leave you was the smartest decision he ever made.

Step Three: Officially Missing You 

Remember when I said I might provide unconventional tips? Yea, this is one of those. Rebound. I had a damn good-looking man in my home the night of my breakup and took full advantage. I told you I was an opportunist. Stop right there, go to my post, “How to Have Sex Like a Man.” If you are unable to pull this off, a rebound is not for you. Trust me, I have been witness to this.

Still, rebound or not, you may find yourself visiting his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin, WTF is Linkedin? and every social media outlet in between. Over and over and over. Ladies, this will be the hardest yet most rewarding advice I have to give. Cut him off completely. No, seriously, for the time being, let him go. I never understood the power behind, “out of sight, out of mind” until my experience with an emotionally abusive ex whom I could not let go. I understood why we broke up, that I got; in fact, I was the one who did it. However, each text I received from him during my text history review, I still smiled. Each photo update with his new girlfriend, I cried. She was not even that cute. Each possibility of running into him, I spent an extra hour getting ready. I get it; you fear cutting him off will look childish. By “defriending” or “unfollowing” you show that his name bothers you and it’s true, you may be viewed that way. However, this is you time, it does not matter what he thinks because you no longer are his priority. Ladies I beg you right now, take this action if you are going through it. I’ll wait. You remember my post “Angry Single Women: The Text Delete?” Refer to that post (4/2/2012). You know how easy it is to find his number in your message history. I beg you delete it. I promise you wont have an emergency where you will need to contact him anytime soon. This will be your best bet if those Tequila shots are catching up with you and you have the urge to drunken text.

Lesson 3: It is natural to miss someone you were involved with at such an intimate level and it’s funny how you now have become just someone he use to know. You see what I did there? Miss him, it’s okay but remove him from your memory in any way possible for a period of time. It’s no longer a relationship, this is about you so why is he still present in your daily routine?

Step Four: Healing

So you physically survived a breakup. You even avoided incarceration because you decided vandalizing his material items was not the way to go. Most importantly, you were able to remove yourself from all forms of contact with him. So why does it hurt so badly still? Ladies, you may have survived the physical part of a breakup but the emotional part is what gets us in trouble. There are not enough pages to fill on how to heal after a breakup, everyone is different, and so I will simply explain what has helped me in the past.

Cry: Ladies, I know when those independent women songs come on; you raise your hand up high and recite the lyrics with not one mistake. The reality is it’s okay to be sad. Let yourself cry. I know, it seems like it will never stop once you begin but I promise you it will. Give yourself that. Let go of the scrutiny and criticisms we women are victim to when showing emotions. This is not about them, it’s about you.

Emotional Support: Take advantage of emotional support. I am not talking about venting through Facebook. I will give you one free pass on that but anymore you find your posts flooded with advice you never asked for. Ain't nobody got time for that. Reach out to those who you know have your best interest at heart. One of my girls is the best at understanding me when my eyes are filled with tears, dry heaving is in full effect and I am unable to speak a clear sentence. We call that the Ugly Girl Cry. I have another girl who is perfect when I need to take full advantage of slang, Z-snaps, and “mHmmm, yes he did!” act. My mother is excellent at keeping me on track and reminding me of my full potential as an educated and intelligent woman who should have been looking for a Jewish husband in the first place. Not exactly what I was going for but I’ll take it. My foster mom is the one that tells me everything I needed to hear and more reminding me not to take the breakup so personal. I always do.

Coping Skills: All of us have an outlet and a way we cope with life stressors we experience on a day-to-day basis. Some make use of the gym. I have been to the gym at most five times in my life. I go a different route. Music is the most powerful outlet for emotions for me personally. When I am evoking that Angry Single Woman inside, you better believe I have explicit rap at max volume that drowns out my misinterpreted lyrics. Other times, I write. I free write. I quote. I start a blog. How else do you think this began? The man I was crazy about told me everything I wanted to hear but his actions said otherwise. It was Valentine’s Day and I never heard from him besides a generalized text “Happy V-day KK.” Apparently it took to much effort to spell out my name and the holiday present. With one bottle of wine, a few good stories, and the ability to write quite well intoxicated, I began Swag Etiquette. Find your outlet.

Lesson 4: There will be better times after a hard breakup, I promise. However, there comes a point when it’s up to you to take that first step and begin to heal in the ways in which you have identified as most suitable for your well being.

Step Five: Moving On

Ladies and Gentlemen: this is where Swag Etiquette comes into play. A breakup is not easy, non-compliant one’s at least. Move forward. Move forward in advancing your education or employment. Tend to things that have been on your to do list for far too long. Begin to date .I spent 2012 dating all walks of life and although it is apparent many did not work out, it is about the experience. Fellas, we are looking, I promise. We come across as Angry Single Women sometimes, ill admit. However, many of us, resolution to “Stay Single for a Year” or not are not blind to a man who can contribute to a change of heart. We just require a man with proper etiquette, swag or not.

Final Lesson:  We all have been there, or at least I am assuming you have based on the fact you are reading this post. It is no surprise breakups are heartbreaking and I am flattered some of you have reached out to me to ask for my advice or simply for me to listen. I was happy to. Trust me, it does get easier but it sure might require you to over come the challenges mentioned above. I do apologize in advance, you may date some of the worst in LA as I have, but think, you just might meet one of the best. I wish you well.

Angry Single Women: Keyboard Restriction

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Fellas, I apologize, I think I have been a bit hard on you lately. “Bitches be crazy” is not just a witty e-card, it’s truth. Ladies, you need to sit down for this one because you’re in trouble. You’re about to be put on blast in the Angry Single Women edition of Swag Etiquette under Keyboard Restriction. I would say text but than you would just use Facebook. I’d say Facebook but than you would comment on Instagram. I am denying you keyboard access until you finish this post.

After having the opportunity to connect with a couple of good friends, I have had the opportunity to experience what it would be like to be a single man. All right, I may be exaggerating. I simply was given permission to take his cell phone during the car ride and answer his incoming text messages. The other experience was where a friend of mine gave me insight to Angry Single Women by showing me excessive messages received via Facebook. Now I have had my share of poorly worded text messages, both delivered and received but nothing compares to the desperation women are illustrating with keyboard access.

Exhibit A: My friend informed me a guy friend of his was playing a prank on him and forwarded his number to a girl who recently had broken up with her boyfriend. I believe that is how this all began. Now the conversation between my friend and this young woman went fairly smooth in the initial stages of texting. Than she got weird. Ladies, I don’t know how to make it anymore clear but texting should be done as if you were face to face with an individual. For example, I would not stand in front of a man I hardly knew and ask, “do you think I am pretty” only to follow with “you’re just saying that” when he tells you what you want to hear. I mean, you sound ridiculous. It gets worst. The young woman proceeded to create a trivia challenge for my friend questioning, “are you a mean or nice guy?” What does that even mean? If he were a mean guy, would he say yes? Your excessive LOLs and HAHAs to comments that had no intention of being funny, trust me I know because I wrote them, shows you are incapable of a conversation. Given that you have failed to use a “.” or “,” this entire time, you also need to return to school. I mean seriously, you should not be allowed to text.

Exhibit B: That same night, my friend and his home girl were texting throughout the night during our kick it. The conversation was fairly predictable until she flipped the script. Out of no where she asks, “does it bother you that I am texting you?” Home girl, if he’s texting you back, you already have your answer. She later followed with the same question as Exhibit A, “do you think I’m pretty?” Seriously, what if he said no? I highly doubt you have enough wit to come up with a good response. In my honest opinion, a woman who is confident in her self should not need to search for compliments but always honor them when they are given. Ladies you need to relax. He’s your homeboy so why make it weird? You should not be allowed to have your cell phone. I mean seriously, put it down.

Exhibit C: For a minute, I thought my good friend was just attracting some abnormal females. Could all females be this desperate?  Exhibit C reminded me, it is quite possible. The other night my “man friend” and yes I said man friend, began discussing some of the people who have been in and out of our lives. He showed me a message on Facebook where the intention was a conversation between him self and a girl he use to talk to. Something like that. The only problem was, she never waited for his response. What do I mean exactly? I mean this: you are allowed one message where you say all what you need to say. If you do not receive a response, it’s time to let it go and move forward. The problem was this angry single woman failed to do so. She sent her message using feeling words and all. Within two days she proceeded to message in anger because he had not responded. I knew she was angry based on her cap locks. That’s one way to do it. I wish that were where the story ended. This angry single woman went from a message with feeling, to a message with cap locks, to a message with swear words, to a message filled with hate. Mind you, he responded with two sentences at max. Reading it, all I could wish was for her to simply stop and rethink. She did not. She didn’t even use periods. Again, females, please, resume your education. Exhibit C, welcome to Swag Etiquette.

Lesson: Angry single women, I understand emotions may get the best of us sometimes. However, it is imperative that you take a step back, read a little Swag Etiquette, take a grammar class, and remind yourself that less is more. Less indirect questions searching for compliments. Less anger via cap locks. Less bi-polar thought process via Facebook. Take a step back and ask yourself, would the way you act behind a screen, be the way you would act face to face?

The "Lame Lance" Theory

A close friend of mine recently sent me a link to a YouTube video titled, you might have guessed it, “#LameLance.” If you have not already seen the video, go check it out before resuming this blog post.

YouTube: “#LameLance” https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=hKOB618eIjc#!

You didn’t do it, did you?

In case you did not watch the video, let me shed some light on the Lame Lance theory. If you can recall, I wrote a blog titled “Wait” that shared the reality that sometimes your name in someone’s phone is identified as “Do Not Pick Up” or worst, “12345678.” That’s because your number wasn’t even worth the time to add as a contact in her cell phone. Now don’t worry, your number just might actually come into good use.

Lame Lances know our main men have a tendency to slip up time and time again. Lame Lance is the guy who every woman can count on when waking up every morning to those "Good Morning" text messages. Lame Lance is the guy who, knowing he wont get a text back, will continue to text us those favorite "Thinking of you" or "Hope you're feeling better" messages. Lame Lance's game is often doubted, criticized, and in all honesty, worthy of blog material. Trust me, I've used it. Now I know what you’re thinking, Lame Lance is the one slippin’. You see, I beg to differ because Lame Lance knows that her main man is bound to slip up and when that happens, he’ll be the first one in line. Ironically, Lame Lance is the guy who is called or let us be honest, texted, because no one seems to know how to use a phone anymore, when her main man is slippin’. 

As demonstrated in the video, a man slippin' may include your girl requesting "just for one, please" because her main man is at home with his boys playin' Call of Duty. Black Ops 2 just came out and all our main men went into hiding, received any unexpected text messages lately? Main men slippin’ can include every post you find her on Swag Etiquette. See, slippin’, and that’s where you, Lame Lance, come in.

Now as a single woman, I have watched my main men slip up one too many times. It’s funny because these main men have a tendency to be traded out and become old news but Lame Lance still remains present. And let me clarify, Lame Lance can come in many forms. We have Lame Lance "my main man just slipped up, can we talk?" This is where my infamous ratchet clap will come in. We have Lame Lance "I'm just trynna kick it." After all, Lame Lance invited your girl to Waffle House and we all know, “bitches love waffle house.” And of course, we have Lame Lance, "I'm just trynna fuck." Lame Lance is the one I’m calling when you took too long to text back when I was trying to remind you what you’ve been missing. Lame Lance is the one I’m calling when I catch you texting another female and you give me the excuse, “that’s just my homegirl.” Lame Lance is the one I’m going to call when I need to be heard knowing you won’t be there to listen.

Lame Lance has a tendency to remind us women that, sure, they may not have the intended swag we women prioritize, but admittedly, they’re the one we find ourselves calling when you're not around. No longer are we texting our main men, you perhaps, like we use to. Ever wonder why?

Main men, listen closely and carefully. As a main woman, I didn’t just call or text Lame Lance for a five-minute conversation this time. I caught you slippin’ one too many times. I had him come over and he taught me somethin’; You can easily be replaced.

Lesson: First and foremost you must understand a difference between your “main man” and “boyfriend.” This writer is not here to promote cheating. Secondly, watch the video for a good laugh because some material I was unable to include. Lastly, main men pay attention to how you treat your girl because without a doubt, someone else is doing it right and if not careful you can become just another Lame Lance in her phone.

The Challenge: How to Be Single

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I am exhausted. I am defeated. I am throwing in the towel. I think I lost sight of what my New Years resolution was all about: To be single in Los Angeles for a duration of one year and embrace the dating scene. See, I think I forgot the key word, “dating” and unfortunately found myself replacing my epic made-up rap lyrics for love songs, my “no bullshit” attitude for an overly optimistic outlook and Swag Etiquette material went from a reflection of seemingly tragic dates reenacted with humor to a heartbreak confessional. Now I would have never realized the adjustment in my altered perspective of relationships until a good friend quoted, “now you’re just upset.” Alright, maybe you had to be there to understand the epic proportion of his statement but he did have a point. No longer was my blog what I intended it to be. However with countless heartbreaks, countless dates and a blog for the year of 2012, I think I have finally understood what exactly my New Years resolution was meant to achieve: How to be single.

 Let me explain. The idea is genius or quite possibly tragic so I beg you, stay with me on this one because you and I both don’t know how this date will end. I have an idea and I need you to be open minded about this.

Constantly I am giving advice I myself fail to follow. I tell those who come to me with concerns and heartbreaking material, the importance in knowing how to be alone. I am not talking about a 24 hour period of no contact with your other half nor am I talking about a two week break while you two take time to think things through. I am talking about waking up each day accepting that you will not wake up to a “Good Morning” text from him. I am talking about having one of the worst days and accepting he will not be there by your side at the end of the day. I am talking about accepting that there may never be someone. Remember when I said the idea might be tragic? Yea, this is that part.

If you know me, you know I like “lists.” I make lists of every thing, it’s a little out of control. I have a tendency to create a list with individual’s I can really imagine myself with. This list consists of places I’ve always wanted to see, food I’ve always wanted to try, and things I’ve always wanted to do, yet, so often it remains unfinished. This list was never completed, in fact, it has hardly been touched and I find myself wrapping up the year of 2012 with an incomplete list.

So here is the genius part: I am spending the remainder of 2012 completing my list, alone. Not sold on how it’s genius just yet? In a relationship, we find ourselves in a routine so often that we fail to forget what would happen if this person never existed. So often we forget how to be ourselves. So often we lack confidence in doing things, even mundane everyday things, by ourselves because we have forgotten what it is like to step outside without someone holding our hand. The reality is, these individuals can disappear from our lives in a matter of seconds for any given reason. I have seen it, time and time again.

So I take on this challenge, a challenge to complete my list. A challenge to recognize that there may not be another person in my life for quite some time but that this list still can and will be completed, just maybe not the way I had always imagined. The challenge begins, learn how to be single by completing lists of dates that "we" never had the chance to cross off, alone.

The Challenge: Complete 5 Incomplete Dates

First Date: Grab my favorite sweats, buy packs of ramen, rent a movie and watch it. Alone. Be prepared for an Instragram upload and an epic caption because without the second part of that date being completed, I may have extra time on my hands.

Second Date: Go to a restaurant I have always wanted try and dine. Alone. This is where Yelp! will be beneficial.

Third Date: Recently, a friend found himself in shock for my lack in movie knowledge. I came up with every excuse in the book but the reality was, I just never had anyone invite me to a movie in a really long time. Naturally, date three, see a movie. Alone.

Fourth Date: Spend a Sunday, the entire Sunday, in bed, with champagne, strawberries and candles. I might cheat on this one considering it might get awkward with the tragic aspect of doing this activity on my own.

Fifth Date: Attend a Spoken Word Poetry Slam. As a writer, an unpaid writer, I have always wanted to observe an event like this but never found that person who had the same interest, and when I did, we never got to cross it off the list. But I can guarantee, these writers wont have my kind of style.

Lesson: I don’t have a conclusion for how these dates will end nor can I tell you whether the idea is truly genius or an epic tragedy. What I can tell you is I stay true to my advice in that we all could use a little alone time and understand the importance in taking on tasks without a helping hand. Be ready for five either genius posts or epic tragic tales of a single girl taking on the Los Angeles dating scene, alone.

Superhero

Superheroes: Benevolent fictional characters with superhuman powers. These individuals are claimed to possess extraordinary powers and abilities or master skills to a remarkable degree. It is said they have a strong moral code, including willingness to risk one’s own self. They possess motivation, taking on a sense of responsibility, or take on a formal calling. It is said often times they possess a secret identity that protects them from becoming targets while others possess costumed identities that are common public knowledge. These superheroes surround themselves with a supporting cast including friends, love interests and often times the cast may not have awareness of the superhero’s identity. A number of enemies, super villains in which surface in their respective story lines often surround these individuals. Most importantly, it is the back-stories that superheroes carry that give reasoning to these extraordinary individuals.

See, I never was the person who believed in superheroes. I was taught to live with a sense of pessimism and self-determination. Time and time again I was reminded that living in a reality where superheroes existed was living in a reality where you make claims of trust, hold your arms out far, fall back, and no one catches you. They simply did not exist.

For the first time, in a long time, I welcomed a superhero into my life. Superheroes have a tendency to come into your life when least expected. I welcomed the idea of a fictional character, a man who was not bound by masculine stereotypes. You know, the nonexistent “good guy.” I welcomed someone with “extraordinary powers and abilities” in that he met my highest expectations with no compromise needed and had the ability to break my guard. This superhero had an unexpected moral code in which he once displayed the ability to risk one’s own self through writing in true form of honesty and vulnerability. And like many superheroes, he created a secret identity. I met two. I met the identity that took on the face of the industry. The identity that reeked confidence, self-assurance, and a stage presence that commanded attention. I define this as the identity that a superhero uses to protect himself from vulnerability. The alternative identity took form of the good guy, the one who could seemingly do no harm and this was made very public.

This superhero was nothing short of a supporting cast and a damn good one at that. I was fortunate to meet some of them. They all seemed to have those superhero like qualities taking form of “genuine good men” who proudly own their identities. And I must admit, this supporting cast sure knew how to throw one hell of a party where one finds they themselves forgetting ever needing saving. Never the less, this superhero is also said to be surrounded by lovers. As a single woman who has been all to familiar with the game, I am not blind when women of interest are present. She was beautiful too, I must admit. And a distraction, because when I was in need of this superhero, he was busy saving her.  It’s funny though, so many of these women don’t see through a superhero’s identity, maybe because they never truly need saving. So I finish this identification of my superhero with this: his back-story. Every superhero has one but it is not my place to identify and expose his.  Just understand that these back stories provide reasoning for their absence.

If I haven’t lost you, just yet, I thank you. Stick with me on this one; I think I can really teach you something:

In recent events, I was in desperate need of saving and that night was no different. I found myself standing alone, bombarded and facing an unfamiliar crowd with remarks being thrown at me. I had no choice but to walk away, in haste, on my own with no one following. It’s funny, one would assume dressed up as Captain America, one would have the backbone to stand ground. I guess I really should have watched the movie to see how it’s done. No sooner had I walked away from battle, there was a superhero close behind, my superhero. One would assume this would be a moment of relief, to finally be seen. After all, I managed to perfect the power of invisibility with this particular individual in recent times. With a superhero close behind, I found myself guarded, vulnerable, and claimed I didn’t need to be saved and for the first time, I heard myself provide an answer to a question I was once never able to answer:

I don’t need to be saved, I need to be able to save myself because good guys like you always end up leaving.

It was this remark that led me to a place of vulnerability and unable to stand ground. I caught myself stuttering and uncertain behind the meaning of my language. This superhero had lost her battle with the villain, her ego, her pride, herself. A discussion was had, a discussion I do not wish to relive at this moment in time publicly. Now here is the ironic part. My hero walked away from me the same night I realized I found him. Staying true to that superhero form.

Lesson: I met a superhero. It is true, they do exist. But I beg to introduce a valuable lesson to all my readers. We all go through a time when we need saving. Yet, despite it all, we get out of bed in the morning and perform our own superhero like tasks. Post battle, my tasks required me to hold my head up high, smile, and reassure my guarded clients “everything will all be okay.” I lied. The fact is I didn’t know it was going to be okay but I saw they needed just someone, anyone, to save them, even if it was just for that moment. So the lesson is here, despite it all, all the heartbreaks, all the challenges, all the lost faith, we continue to thrive and put on that secret identity as the person who has it all figured out. So I beg to question you all, does this make us superheroes?

How to Have Sex Like a Man

I apologize to my “politically correct” readers for this is one post that is going to indulge and thrive on gender stereotypes. Clearly, not every man has sex in the ways I am about reveal. I apologize to those who view sex as a sacred act that should only occur between two people who are married. I respect your views, however, this post is not for you. Lastly, I wish to raise caution. The following post may be seemingly cruel and harsh.  Let me raise awareness, I once told you, “take this blog lightly but with some consideration” and enjoy the first post about sex in Swag Etiquette, it’s been long overdue.

There is often a big debate as to whether or not women are capable of having sex like men. Women are claimed to become obsessive, attached, and filled with desperation once they embark on what is believed to be “casual sex.” Sure, the act is physically more personal in ways that I need not to describe in this post. And sure, once a woman has sex, it is said that endorphins are released producing feelings of euphoria, relaxation, and positive well being. As a result, often times, creating a greater sense of attachment to one’s partner post sex. And that’s where we fuck up.

Casual Sex: A sexual act that involves two people, or more, who have no intention of ever committing to any type of exclusive relationship with each other. Many indulge in this act to eliminate many stressful factors that may accompany a committed relationship such as: jealousy, mind games, marriage, accountability of daily actions/wherabouts, lack of quailty and/or frequency in sexual activity, boredom, and many more I'm sure (Urban Dictionary, 2012).

The idea is genius, however, often times poorly executed. Ladies and gentlemen, as forewarning, one must prepare for the repercussions when embarking on the seemingly harmless act. You see, it is imperative to understand that you may never hear from this person again. There may be no breakfast in the morning. There may be no romantic dates to follow. There may be a call. However, don’t be surprised if that call questions one or two things: When and where. Casual sex, a genius idea but only when it is done right.

Now I am not saying I have done this, but I am not saying I haven’t. Lets just say, I can assure you, there is no doubt in my mind, women can have sex just like men and this is how it’s done:

How to Have Sex Like a Man

1.     Mental Prep: Understand that this is casual sex. If you are able to understand that there may never be a finished orgasm, a call back, a relationship, and that this is simply for pleasure, you can move on to step two.

2.     On My Call: You are not my investment and therefore I call the shots. I tell you where. I tell you when. I tell you how.

3.     Unfinished Business: Now sure, it may be cruel and therefore I don’t always suggest this. Despite the act being casual, it is still very intimate and therefore both partners should be respected. In other words, both should work towards “a common goal.” However, this is Swag Etiquette and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that things don’t always go as planned. After all, I didn’t plan on your desire to bond through spoken word past one hour nor did I plan on your sexual insecurities leaving you in my home for two extra hours. So, forgive me, I’m going to rush things a little bit, tell you how, and reach my goal because I have unfinished business to attend.

4.     The Finale. There is no cuddling, there is no dreaming, and there is no planning. There is simply a smile, a thank you and a goodbye. Don’t forget to lock the door on your way out.

5.     Post Act: This is where rules have a tendency to be broken. You see, casual sex is not just defined as “a sexual act that involves two people who have no intention of ever committing to any type of exclusive relationship with each other.” It included, “many indulge in this act to eliminate many stressful factors that may accompany a committed relationship.” So I beg to question, why are upset when I tell you I don’t have time to hang out? Why do you assume I would be seen with you at a public event hand in hand? Why do you voice jealousy when you see me with someone else? Why do you refuse to stop calling when your calls go unanswered? After all, we had a deal.

Lesson: Cruel, at times, yes. Casual sex is seemingly ideal but not for everyone. It takes a certain mind set, certain precautions, and most certainly a person who is able to understand the rules. So what is the over all message? Women are just as capable as men of having casual sex, after all, you men taught us so well.

"High" Expectations

It was about a month ago when a good friend of mine posted in her Facebook status “I just want a man who is able to spell.” Naturally, she received a vast amount of likes and good commentary. The status was simple, straight to the point, and could not be truer. Let me prepare you, this is not a post about men who can spell. If you receive text messages from me, you are well aware I am not the one who should be passing judgment on spell tactics. I blame autocorrect. This is a post about expectations; it is you to determine where you stand.

Growing up in the era of Disney, we create the ideal image of a partner. As we get older, we come to realize our high expectations are out of range and we compromise. After all, who rides large white horses in downtown Los Angeles? Could you imagine if a man picked you up on a magic carpet? Don’t even get me started on all the princes with “pets” that talk. In all honesty, I was happy to compromise. Unfortunately, I compromised a bit too much and my expectations became a bit too low expectations.

It was around August when I approached my roommate informing her how I had an epiphany. I was through with casual dating. Dates on drugs, the players, and the needy just weren’t doing it for me. I now expectations, high one's at that! I approached her and embarrassingly stated “I have the most ridiculous fantasy and know this could never happen but I have this image of spending just one Sunday in bed with someone the entire day. We’ll eat amazing food, have amazing sex, and not have to answer one call or text!” She looked at me as if I had just lost my mind. She reminded me just how realistic this was. It was at that point that it hit me; I truly had lowered my standards to unrealistic proportions.

The end of 2012 is quickly approaching and therefore my 2012 resolution of remaining single is due to expire. I find it only fitting that you take part in this exercise with me and write down your expectations for what you are looking for in a partner. I am serious, stop what you’re doing and grab a piece of paper and pen. Oh that’s right, modern era, grab your phone, open “Notes” and start typing. Here are some of my "high" expectations required when dating. 

Top 10 Expectations: Dating

1.     Education - College Graduate: It is not about what he majored in nor is it about his promising employment stipends. A college education makes the top of my list because of the respect I have for an individual who spent four or more years working towards a goal that only he is in control of and succeeds it.

2.     Employment – Full Time: We are adults. If I can manage 2 to 3 jobs and excel in a master’s program full time than I expect you to be employed. I can’t take care of the both of us.

3.     Transportation: I hear women complain when a man doesn’t drive exactly what you might see in a rap video. Now of course, I won’t lie, when I was picked up in a 2012 5 series fresh off the lot for a first date, I didn’t exactly complain. However, I am also from the real world and understand that everyone has his or her own agenda and ways in which they spend. Have a way to get from point A to point B safely and i'll be your girl. My ex taught me well. A man who uses your gas tank, scrapes your rims, and charges your FasTrak while you’re out of town is not ideal and therefore has made it to my top 10 high expectations list.

4.     No Children: This one is by far one of the more challenging expectations given that in one’s mid twenties, so many have kids. No, seriously, I buy baby clothes in bulk knowing two baby showers will follow the initial one. I simply have this expectation as a priority on my list because for one, have you experienced baby mama drama? Secondly, I simply wish to share the experience of having a first child with someone together.

5.     Must Love Dogs: I mentioned that some expectations might come across a bit ridiculous. Well this is mine.

6.     Good Humor: We all have personality traits we look for, mine is good humor. If you have met me personally, you understand I am not exactly introverted. I just need a man who can keep up.

7.     Open Minded: I was getting fairly serious with someone, so serious that it came to a point where I began debating if my 2012 resolution would stay in tact. Finally, I decided to take it upon myself and ask him “what are your values?” It turns out we were complete opposites. So opposite that compromise was not an option.

8.     Religious Ambiguity: Religion has been one of the more challenging expectations for me in that it has limited a lot of great “options.” I come from a background where my mother is Jewish, my foster mom is Pagan, and my biological father is Christian. First of all, do you understand what mixed messages a child get from that? I am not here to identify where I stand, however, I find it a challenge in being involved with any man who is 100% one sided. I respect your values and where you stand but don’t expect me to raise my child from only one perspective.

9.     Crew Love: I have a life and the reality is I need you to have one too. More importantly, you surrounding yourself with good people really can impact the way you are viewed.

10. Good Sex. No, seriously. No compromise.

Lesson: My top ten expectations may be incredibly different from yours, as they should be. Some may be ridiculous while others may be very sincere. However, what is more important is what you do with them. Let these expectations take precedence in your future dating endeavors because without them, you are simply wasting your time.

Location, Location

If you have ever watched Sex and the City, you may be familiar with Charlotte’s famous quote, “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen, I’m exhausted. Where is he?” Charlotte had a good point in that finding men, good men, is not always the easiest thing to do. In fact, more often than not it becomes discouraging and frustrating. Now I am not saying we don’t hear this same frustration out of men, but more often than not, it is women who approach me and ask “where do you meet men?” Now I know what you’re thinking, based on this blog you wouldn’t want to meet any of the individuals mentioned here, however, it is important to remember that some of the individuals are not guilty of a lack in Swag Etiquette and therefore not featured in this blog. Now I am not saying these meet and greets were a success, however, single men and women are out there but it is up to you to be open minded, expose yourself to new scenes, and take advantage of an opportunity. Although not your most traditional venues, here is a list of twenty places I have met men in 2012.

1. Facebook: Let me get this one out of the way. I am aware this is not exactly putting myself “out there” but the reality is it’s one way to skip the introduction and the awkward “tell me about yourself” given that it’s already been viewed, saved, and noted. 

2. Broadway Bar - Los Angeles, CA: Surprise, who knew you could meet two great men at a bar nearly three blocks from Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles?

3. Tru Nightclub - Hollywood, CA: My date from Tru was the one who did Cocaine on our first date. The other individual I met here continued to contact me 6 months after he never heard from me. I don’t recommend it.

4. Your Coffee Cups – Fremont, CA: It is a bit unorthodox being that this is not your average coffee shop, however, the men who come here are honest workers and most of the younger ones are attending colleges in surrounding areas.

 5. Kabuki Sushi – Hollywood, CA: I saw a lot of potential in this one but unfortunately he was more likely to be found in a substance abuse program than in my bedroom.

6. Trader Joe’s – Los Angeles, CA: Given that he was the one checking me out, the question of “are you employed” was already answered.

7. Target – West Hollywood, CA: There is something about this Target where I never fail to meet someone and although these individuals aren’t exactly my type, they definitely have inspired an upcoming post. Stay tuned.

8. House party – Hollywood Hills, CA: I wish to call out Caution when dating anyone involved in the industry. Many become blinded by the idea of romance in the Hollywood Hills. Just remember, the nicer the home, the bigger the ego.

9. Bed Bath & Beyond – Los Angeles, CA: An ironically popular spot to meet young men either working or shopping for items they don’t have a clue about. I highly recommend it.

10. The Strip Club – Los Angeles, CA: No, I am not saying this was my best idea, however, you can’t always predict when you meet a group of guys who just want to have a great time and celebrate their friends “funeral.”

11. My Studio Nightclub – Hollywood, CA: All I know is these guys have great taste in music. Don’t come here if you don’t do it for the ratchets.

12. Infiniti Dealership – Glendale, CA: No, I never called him back. However, look around at car dealerships. More times than not, the men are young, attractive, employed, smart, and motivated. Not a bad way to go.

13. A Fundraiser in the Park – San Francisco, CA: Leave it to me to be attracted to the performing artist.

14. Blok Nightclub – Hollywood, CA: I know what you’re thinking; the club isn’t the way to go. For this one, you might be right considering the minute I walked away, he proceeded to request the number of the next girl following closely behind.

15. The Beverly Center – Los Angeles, CA: When shopping you meet all walks of life.

16. Boot camp – San Francisco, CA: There is little left to the imagination when it comes to his physique so why not indulge?

17. Laker Game – Los Angeles, CA: I am a huge fan of going to basketball games so it’s always great when you can meet someone who is just as into it and enjoys doing a similar activity.

18. Carnaval – San Francisco, CA: Meeting someone at a cultural festival tends to reveal that these individuals are out going and enjoy having a good time with family and friends. He was a great lunch date.

19. Infusion Lounge – San Francisco, CA: Of course I am guilty of another club meet and greet but when working in this industry it tends to be common to meet individuals who work long hours and love entertainment just as much as you do. Too bad I live in Los Angeles because he was a catch.

20. Bottega Louie Restaurant – Los Angeles, CA: This meeting was a bit unexpected, however, he sure knew good food and how to treat women.

Lesson: Dating is no easy task and finding him may be just as discouraging. However, I urge you to take note. Don’t take note exactly in the places that I mentioned above, but rather take away the idea that you never know where you’ll meet someone. It may not end with a walk down the isle but that’s not what this is all about. This is about the experience so I beg you to indulge, have a little fun, and have a little taste of everything.

Wait Period

Pick up your cell phone and take a few minutes to scroll through your contact list. Stop right there, I know you just opened Instagram or Facebook. Stay focused and really scroll through whom you have in your phone and include your text history. If you are anything like me, you have the numbers that help connect you to your family members. You certainly carry numbers that connect you to your friends. Most importantly, you have a few numbers that connect you to two or three individuals who you met in passing that pulled a “Can I have your number?” stint similar to MadTV’s Darrel who would like to get the digits that connect you both telephonically.

Well unfortunately, mine isn’t at just two or three. You see, I have a bad habit in giving my number to individuals who I clearly have no interest in. I am not sure if it is the sound of desperation in their voice or I simply can’t stand to hear “well, we can be friends” one more time, but some how those digits are exchanged. You remember when you thought it was smart to take their number and make a convincing claim that you will call them the day after tomorrow? I thought I was so slick. Unfortunately, people have found new ways to lock you in at the expense of a woman’s own trick. They demand you type in their number. Fair enough, if it gets you to stop talking, I’m all in for the false exchange. Suddenly, he presses “Call” on your phone. You have just been locked in.

So as I pick up my phone, I find the following in my call log, “Do Not Pick Up,” “Don’t Know,” “Stalker,” “WTF” and my favorite “Oh Hell No.” Than there are the numbers that simply remain unidentified because that even seemed to be too much effort for an individual I had no interest in. Not my best idea. Those individuals who you fail to identify have a tendency to call you at all the worst times possible, times you would never expect. My last awkward encounter with an unidentified number involved myself, the man I met at the dealership, and the man I was in bed with. All innocent, relax. Now I wont go into detail but the conversation included a repetition of “who are you?” one too many. Now that same man proceeded to call, text, and leave consistent voicemails where he identified himself as “The Flirt” five times that following evening. And this is what brings me to Swag Etiquette’s topic “Wait Period.”

Wait periods are unspoken rules and although each person modifies them, the keyword is wait. Examples of the unspoken wait rules in regards to dating are as followed: You call on the third day of meeting. You kiss on the third date. You have sex on the fifth. If you swear by Steve Harvey’s rulebook, you wait the 90 Day Period. Once again, you wait. Now let me explain why it is imperative.

One has to understand that as a single young woman or man who has a bit of swag to him or her, one can guarantee you are not the only one trying to be the only one. Thank you Drake for that. Now I applaud you on taking a chance and asking that nerve racking question “So can I call you sometime?” I will provide you a standing ovation if that person answered yes without a ten-minute interrogation. She or he is interested or curious at least in seeing what you are about. However, the waiting period is imperative and therefore it is detrimental if you do not…

Calm the fuck down.

Please, if I gave you my number, give it some time for me to be curious as to whether or not you are going to call. Let me double check my phone throughout the day for a three day wait period to see if you texted. I am going to say the one thing you shouldn’t and most wouldn’t. You see, I am not short of any numbers and therefore your competition is much higher. “Do Not Call Me” texted me religiously everyday with “Hey” or “How are you?” for over a month with no response from me. It is one year later and I still receive an occasional text from him. The “Oh Hell Naw” tried to get at two other women while I was in the same room. He was featured in “Can I Get Your Number?” post in February. He would call me every other day at 2am and protest if I denied a hangout. We hadn’t even made it to a second date. “The Stalker” frequented all forms of social networking to reach me. I still have no idea who he is.

Now I am not saying I am not to blame for a lot of this given that I have a hard time refusing those who clearly need therapeutic intervention; however, the wait period is simply common sense. We all like the chase. We thrive on competition. We reek ego as individuals in our twenties. So here in this post, I beg you, both men and women, wait.

Lesson: The lesson is simple. Don’t text blast, don’t call harass, don’t Facebook poke, or Instagram “like” an individual who you were fortunate to grab the attention of. Wait it out a little longer and let them be curious about who you are. You might actually interact beyond technology.

Prepare for the Z-Snap

This post will not exactly be what you may expect to see on Swag Etiquette, especially based on recent posts. Recently, posts have been a bit more sympathetic to the harsh reality in dating and finish with a lesson learned. It was good while it lasted because tonight we are back on track with what made Swag Etiquette “famous;” A blog that reminds us exactly why we are still single utilizing real life stories that you can’t help but crack a smile and shout out “I feel you!” Ladies and gentleman, throw out any sense of logic. Throw out the idea of compromise. Throw out the optimistic outlook on dating. This is not a post for the politically correct. I ask you to sit back and reflect on those past relationships because tonight we will be indulging in the Z-snap.

Z-Snap: A gesture where you snap three times as you make a Z-like figure in the air. The snap often implies, "Oh no he didn't!" or "your bitch ass just got served!" More often than not, it is usually used by ghetto masters or white wangstas. Thank you for that Urban Dictionary.

If you are a frequent reader of Swag Etiquette, shout out to you, you most likely have an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, right? Damn, aren’t those exes something? One minute you are planning your lives together, the next you become perfect strangers.

For the sake of this post, let us rewind back to that whole “life planning” section. I am not sure who came up with the phrase “love conquers all” or “love is all you need” because if I did, they wouldn’t be alive today. Just kidding, don’t arrest me. These optimistic individuals clearly did not date the guy who was incapable of finishing a community college course without dropping mid-semester. I highly doubt those individuals dated the guy who refused to move out of his mother’s basement because he simply could not get it together. Those optimists must have avoided dating the ones who rack up thousands of dollars in IOUs because they simply couldn’t pay up. Those same individuals must have avoided dating the one’s who are incapable of purchasing a whip of their own and therefore use yours without contributing to gas or toll fees. Ladies, fellas, I know you hear me… Take a deep breath, crack a smile because you know it’s happened to you and indulge in that Z-snap because you feel me!

So here is where it begins. You become fed up in your relationship. No longer can you financial support this person. No longer can you emotionally cope with someone who is incapable of managing his or her life lessons. No longer will you be with someone who time and time again can’t commit. No longer can you stand to say encouraging words to someone who simply can’t hear you. More and more you grow tired and you find yourself reflecting on the relationship realizing you just can’t make it work and naturally in time, you break up. You are officially an ex.

Now here is where it gets weird and therefore evokes the classic Z-snap. I don’t know exactly how the switch happens but have you ever noticed that after a break up, you both seem to thrive? Usually. Let me explain. An ex of mine was so incredibly intelligent, it made me sick. You know, those people who can study for ten minutes and ace a test while you spend your entire night outlining and highlighting only to achieve a C- on that same text? As intelligent as he was, he simply couldn’t move forward in his college career. It wasn’t until we broke up that something clicked, I mean really clicked where the day we closed the door to the apartment we shared was the day he moved forward into the military only to specialize in nuclear engineering. I was “homeless” for 9 months post breakup. Seriously?! 

Than there was my other ex who had a similar story except in addition he was trapped in his mother’s basement. By the way, convincing a man to move out of his mother’s basement and embrace independence is no easy task. Post-breakup he enrolled in culinary arts and is living independently. Well, almost, but ill take what I can get.

My final example is the man who was incapable of committing. Oh he was my favorite; the one who will have his own chapter in the print edition of Swag Etiquette if I ever have the courage to finish it because readers, trust me, you will want to read about this one. I won’t go into full detail but lets just say, he was a great contributor in how I gained greater knowledge of “The Player.” After two years of on-again-off-again relationship statuses, our relationship or whatever it was, was a wrap. Post breakup however I came to find out he was in a 2 year committed relationship with over the top “I love you” wall-to-wall comments and a profile picture that even brings The Notebook cover to shame. I found myself perplexed and asked myself over and over, what was so hard committing to me?

I write this post because for one, I clearly can relate to the concept and secondly because of the reality it highlights when it comes to relationships. We come into each relationship better than the next. We come with greater experience in many aspects necessary. We act on lessons learned. We now have a clearer mind. I just wish I wasn’t the one who fell victim to being the teacher.

Lesson: There is no way to predict how a relationship will fall together; however, if one cannot stand on his or her own and you are unable to keep that individual afloat, let them go. It is not easy. There may be tears. There may be anger. Okay, a lot of anger; however, this I can promise. There will be a time when you find yourself able to sit back and reflect on your relationship with that individual. You will be able to share the story making full use of the Z-snap and additional expressive slang quoting “Oh yes he did!” However, while doing so, it will all be in laughter because you too are now in a better place.

Copyrighted Romance

There comes a time in every woman’s life, at least once, where she finds herself curled up on the sofa indulging in the ultimate chick flick. For two hours she is swept away into an ideal world where a complete stranger that wreaks perfection pursues and stops at nothing to sweep her off her feet. And we wonder why we need informational classes on how to protect ourselves from date rape. Moreover, these films favor the idea that a love will be lost as a result of miscommunication or tragedy. Seriously, why does this happen in every movie? This loss becomes the ultimate test for one to prove their love. In doing so, one takes on impossible tasks whether it is slaying a dragon, going across the world to find you, or using your wedding that you just spent over $30,000 as his confession stand. As expected, these grand gestures win one over and they live happily ever after.

Sure, they have predictable story lines and less than creative writing but in all honesty these films can be refreshing. Now although I firmly believe that both sexes can be that individual on the couch, I am going to make use of stereotypes for simplicity sake and identify the woman as the one on the couch. Naturally, company would be appreciated during this two hour session and your man happens to fall victim to this role. Don't have a man? Not surprising considering this is a blog has a tendency to be dedicated to those who have trouble selecting one worthy of introducing to your parents but for this post's sake, imagine there is someone in your life, even if it is seemingly temporary. Now this film viewing can go one of two ways. He will allow himself to be dragged into this ideal date of yours and although he may pass comments, he will sit through the majority of the film with you because, let’s give him some credit, he genuinely wants to make you happy. The other scenario may look a little something like this. “Let me help you get comfortable so you can really enjoy this movie. Ill just be in the other room, I don’t want to bother you.” Well intended but not the best choice.

First thing’s first, as the person who chose to leave during this flick, you can guarantee you will hear about it later. That slick maneuver you used to get out of watching the flick just bought your other half good material for an argument soon to come. More importantly, it is not uncommon that you here women question time and time again, “where has all the romance gone? and quite frankly you're tired of it.

Romance: The expression and pleasurable feeling from an emotional attraction to another person associate with the act of love. In the context of romantic love relationships, romance implies an expression of one’s deep and strong emotional desired to connect with another person intimately (Wikipedia, 2012).

Yes, I used Wikipedia. This is a Blog, not a grad paper. Everything is going to be okay.

Time and time again women are begging to know where the romance went. As much as I am tired of asking myself the same thing, I can almost guarantee you’re just as tired of hearing it. Do you remember that movie you skipped out on? Yea, that 2 hour film had over 100 maneuvers you could use for an entire courtship and than some. Still at a loss for ideas? Let me name five in order of appearance from one of the most popular romance films out there, The Notebook. 1. Dance with her in the street. It only takes one poorly sung song but it’s cost efficient and you’ll get high marks with her girlfriends. 2. Take her to the lake, a beach or a park where you both can let go and relax. Of course, “get in the water"! 3. Write her a letter. I get it, love letters on paper might be a bit outdated but when she finds it among all the bills, you can only imagine the points you’ll receive. Still apprehensive? Write her an e-mail from work just letting her know she’s on your mind. Don’t worry, I am not asking you to write 365 of them. 4. Prepare a dinner for her in the home. Can’t cook? Me neither. Embrace Grub Hub and choose a great set of dishes. 5. And of course, since we are talking about The Notebook, take full advantage of the rain. It always seems to end well. If you find yourself at a loss on the last one fellas, you probably should have sat through that last movie.

Lesson: We are all so exhausted by our everyday routines in daily living and it is only natural that our relationships become just that, a routine. No one is asking you to become prince charming. Ladies, no one is saying you can’t take part in showing a man a little romance too. Romance is all around us and you have hundreds if not thousands of films that give you anywhere from the most basic to the most extravagant romantic gestures to choose from. I beg you, no more excuses and no more questions asking “where has all the romance gone?” It’s been right in front of you the whole time.