Angry Single Women: Stalker Edition

Welcome to my favorite segment of Swag Etiquette, Angry Single Women. Angry Single Women, the segment that reveals the reality of many women who simply seemed to have lost their way in the dating scene. For this post, let me introduce you to The Stalker. We all have been guilty of some form of “stalking” whether it is the Facebook Stalker, the Sweeper, and the most common, Phone Detective. Unfamiliar with the terms? Let us review.

Facebook Stalker: An individual who spends large amounts of time on Facebook looking at other peoples profiles often browsing photos, walls, wall to walls, groups, or recent activity posted on the stalked person’s mini-feed (Urban Dictionary, 2012).

Angry Single Women, you remember when “Insert Name” liked his status? You did a thorough background check in less than 5 minutes didn’t you? She was pretty too, wasn’t she? Now you just thought about hiring a hit man off Craigslist because you knew her exact location, all thanks to Facebook check in, no? Yea, that isn’t a good look. Now ladies, I don’t discourage you from browsing his site, of course not, you can learn a lot from someone’s page, that’s what it’s there for isn’t it? However, this is where it goes wrong. I had a guy tell me that he spent time researching my entire page to see if, and I quote, “to see if you were cheating on me.” Pause right there. Last I knew I was single. Clearly he doesn’t read my Swag Etiquette. Point deducted for that one.

Ladies, if you are guilty of being a Facebook Stalker, do not, I repeat, do not interrogate him regarding things you found on his page. Not only have you revealed insecurities in your blooming relationship, you may be creating an entire scenario that could be nothing. Moreover, you don’t exactly have the right to confront him about any of it because first and foremost, he isn’t yours to claim. Ladies, when you interrogate him with a photo you found of him and his ex-girlfriend that was taken 4 years ago and remains in an outdated album, you come across as insecure. Don’t even get me started on the women who quote “we need to talk” because she saw a wall-to-wall conversation between her interest and a female friend. Now you look like a hot mess. He just blocked you from Facebook didn’t he? Yea, see that’s what you don’t want.

Sweeper: A Sweeper is someone who digs through physical items in a home that they shouldn't, aren't theirs, and have no business with. These individual become guilty of becoming the Angry Single Woman who fails to recognize she’s still single. Sweeping Repeats.

A girlfriend of mine is being charged as a Sweeper in where she entered her, how do we say this, lover’s apartment without his permission. In doing so, she discovered a woman’s presence by identifying makeup wipes in the bachelor’s garbage. The snoop fest proceeded into his bedroom and although I won’t uncover her entire story, she was able to conclude that she was not the only woman in that apartment. The snooping had been done and quite successful in all honesty but here is where she made her mistake. She confronted him. Now not only did she get interrogated for her presence in the apartment, she was identified as “crazy” and as a stage 5 clinger. Ladies, you need to be slicker if you don’t want to go down in history as the Angry Single Woman who doesn’t know she’s single.

Phone Detective: An individual who invades the privacy of another by viewing text messages, voicemails, and a call log without permission to prove disloyalty. More times than not, the Phone Detective fails to realize she is working on a case she was never assigned. In other words, there’s no case to crack because it ain’t her man.

I was dating a man who insisted on going through my cell phone text messages, voicemails and call logs every time he thought our relationship was taking a turn for the worst. He did this to “gain a greater understanding for what was missing.” Those were his words. He proceeded to question me quoting exact conversations I had had via text messages. My favorite was when he questioned me regarding a conversation I was having between a male friend who was questionably gay. Clearly he was not the best phone detective. I share this because like many who have had their privacy invaded, I wish to illustrate the impact it has on one’s relationship. Your detective work is not solving any case, it’s closing it. You’re work is shutting us down in regards of communication, promoting mistrust, and making us quote Keisha Cole “I Should’ve Cheated.” Angry Single Women, I address this to you because I find in my own experience that you ladies tend to have the greatest employment rate in this line of work.

Lesson: Submit your 2 weeks notice the moment you finish this post. No one wants to get into a relationship with someone who has proven to insult one’s own privacy. Angry Single Women, if you wish to change your relationship status on Facebook from “Single,” “It’s Complicated” or what I think is necessary “One Hot Mess” to “In a relationship” so you can experience the bliss of limitless comments and likes celebrating your success in the dating world, I highly suggest you take a note from this single woman and refrain from stalking temptation.