A Master's in Bourgeois

Welcome to LA, a town where the women enter a room with a clear “Who the fuck are you?” stamped across their forehead and men stand in VIP in a well thought out pose. Although tragic, this attitude is almost necessary in order to survive in a town where individuals thrive on insecurities and are determined to make you the next headline story. However, there comes a point when acting bourgeois is counterproductive and this is where I come in.

Bourgeois: An individual, often upper-middle class, who has mastered the ability to walk into any room and act like a complete bitch without consequence.

A close friend of mine brought this issue to my intention when discussing my next topic for Swag Etiquette. He revealed to me how it is no longer the LA women who you find standing on top of tables, gum smacking, an oversized Louis in one hand, and champagne in the other. Rather, LA males have become just as guilty if not more so of this act. As he brought this to my intention, I found myself in disbelief and made it my goal this weekend to take part in Swag Etiquette research. A new topic was found.

Fellas, what in the world are you doing on top of that table that is not even yours? You look absolutely ridiculous. Even more ridiculous when you decided to lift your shirt with one hand and grab a bottle of Ace with the other. That ain’t even your bottle. What in the world were you thinking when you threw those napkins up in the air to 2 Chainz? First of all, that is incredibly wasteful. More so, you now have proved that you haven’t got as much cash as you claimed to have as you lip-sync Rick Ross “I’m a Boss.” You didn’t even pay for those napkins! 

Everywhere I turned the men just stood there, posed, bottle in hand, scanning the scene. Thursday night I was the bearer of bad news when I informed a man his friend was wasting his time trying to talk to my girl, she was never going to call him. He proceeded to lecture me on his financial successes, his attire, and how I knew nothing about “what it was to be a boss.” I can guarantee I will find him in my office seeking social services two years down the line.

My Sunday night consisted of the new aged “head nudge” where one grasps your attention and signals you over without saying a single word. This act in poor communication continued throughout the night because as expected, this individual refused to leave his post as a result of him perfecting his swag like pose. How we got from men whisking you away on a white horse, to “Ay, let me get your number,” to the silent “head nudge” I will never understand.

My favorite are individuals who have perfected the wrist grab. Apparently they missed the lesson in how to properly approach a woman all together and jumped straight into domestic violence territory. Damn, and to think, he didn’t even wait for the honeymoon phase to begin.

Lesson: Fellas, I understand that you are under an immense amount of pressure to prove that you can hold your own as a young man in this society. However, throwing napkins acting like you a boss is asking for a good Facebook status at your expense. Gloating about your finances is only tempting me to disregard any of your positive qualities and contemplate asking you to pay my graduate school tuition. Standing in a VIP booth signaling for me to come over without a proper introduction is only going to remind me to pass up your invitation. It’s a damn shame, you looked real good too. The bourgeois act is understandable to an extent, after all, it sure does grab one’s attention. But when your act comes at the expense of actually socializing with other individuals because you have become so preoccupied by representing your falsified status, it’s time to ask yourself why you are the one heading home alone tonight.