Unfaithful Tragedies

A guy I was talking to began to cancel on me a number of times, of course, using every excuse that seemed to leave no room for error. That is until Facebook told otherwise. One of my favorites is the accidental text message. I love the fact that you thought of me, texted me, and told me you missed me. I only wish that that text was actually for me. The most fatal unfaithful tragedy is one that will never be forgotten. A week before our four year anniversary, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me. With my friend. In our bed. While I was still in it. Than denied it.

Fellas, pay attention and listen closely. I hear you loud and clear in that you are unable to be devoted unless you lie, after all, that’s the game isn’t it? You take pride in a phone filled with numbers, half of which you slept with, only 3 of which you called back. You anxiously send over a text, pet names included, only to send that same message to four other females. I am thoroughly impressed with your enthusiasm in playing the game but the real tragedy is the inability to play by the number one rule. Don’t get caught.

Forget everything you know about playing the game. Let me introduce you to how it is really done: 

Swag Etiquette Rules: How to Be a "Player"

1.     Always separate the individuals in which you wish to be involved with. It is too easy for your name to get passed around among the crew.

2.     If in fact you decided to indulge in crew love, when the members are in the same room, it is imperative you show both attention, respectfully. By being too affectionate or too distant, you just made it way too obvious.  

3.     Since you still failed to follow Rule #1, never arrive, leave, or drive one of these girls home unless it is your main chick. You just became a headline story with that mistake.

4.     Please, double check who you are sending text message to.

5.     Your lady knows your schedule fairly well at this point, an altered schedule leaves room for questioning and therefore room for error.

6.     Naturally, when seeing someone new, we find ourselves more attentive to our appearance. We will notice a sudden change in style, especially if that change is not being done with us.

7.     Iphone users: Go to settings > Messages > Show Subject Field > Off.

8.     When cancelling on dates, it is understandable to give reasoning but remain reasonable. A simple, “I apologize for cancelling on you” will suffice.

9.     Don’t text another chick in front of me. You just made this too easy.

10. Block all tagged photos on Facebook or require approval under Privacy Settings.

11. When you are playing two women at one time, you are at risk of being “checked in” on Facebook. It is imperative that you block “check-in” requests unless you have high hopes of an “accidental” run in. 

12.  Stay consistent. Seriously, you wanted to play the game, play it well.

13. My rule #13 is simple, you can’t deny what we see. Spend your efforts in working on a damn good apology. We just may give you another chance.

14. My Golden Rule: When exclusive with someone, the names of your friends are well known so it is suspicious when a text message with misleading content from a new number arrives. Now you wish you listened to Rule #6. Apply Rule #6 to your cell phone right now. Now change the name of your sideline chick to a male name. You can thank me later.

Lesson:  In the beginning, we gave you the benefit of the doubt. When we caught on, we let you indulge. But when you made it too easy, you lost all swag credibility. Fellas, if this is your game, play by the rules. Don't get caught.

“The real master, I have to say, is me. Three husbands, countless boyfriends, I haven’t been caught yet” –He’s Just Not That Into You