Home Improvement

Some claim that it is the first kiss that determines whether or not you will be spending the rest of your life with that person. Clearly, those people never considered doing a proper background check.

The home: A place in which one’s domestic domains are centered. In other words, a place where in less than five minutes you find out everything you need to know about that individual. 

I was introduced to a guy by the name of Scorpio through a good friend of mine. Clearly the name should have been a dead give away that he was not the one. However, Scorpio or Spider or some insect was attractive, able to carry on an intelligent conversation, and in all honesty was a complete gentleman. After a handful of successful dates, it was time to take the next step: A home viewing. It is safe to say that ignorance truly is bliss because after this experience, we never spoke again.

As he opened the front door, I found myself holding my breath as I stepped through dated pink carpet stained with unidentifiable liquids. The walls displaying tasteless art were covered with cobwebs that draped all throughout the house. The kitchen was of the 1960’s fail in interior décor. As he served me tea out of a Pokémon cup, seriously, I found myself on the edge of a stained sofa with duck tape masking its dumpster tales. He informed me that he lived with two roommates, a bike rider which explained the five bikes and a self proclaimed artist, which explained the tasteless art. As I took a deep sigh of relief, I realized that one cannot always control the common living area; after all, we all make sacrifices when living in a big city.

Before we continued the grand tour, he requested I cover my eyes. Either I was about to be raped or left breathless by a romantic gesture left for the bedroom. After what I saw, rape almost sounded more appetizing. Just Kidding. Ladies and gentleman, with one step through a door nearly off its hinges, I entered the twilight zone. I entered a room where the ceiling was filled with glow in the dark stars, hundreds of them. A romantic attempt to say the least. He proudly pointed out the disco ball that gleamed red, blue, and yellow throughout the room reminding me of a Motel 6 where murders take place. After stumbling over countless objects as he directed me through the bedroom, I began to notice piles and piles of toys. It was time that I got back to reality and requested for the lights to be turned on. I found myself surrounded by a multitude of toy robots, Pokémon memorabilia, and than some. He proceeded to spend the next two hours showing me how it all worked and the history of his collection. I am going to be honest; he had names for these robots. We didn't work out.

Now this may be an extreme example but I must emphasize its importance. Whether you are male or female, it is imperative to take the necessary steps into adulthood and have it be reflected in your apartment. There will be no more beds without frames, windows without blinds, or walls without paint.

 Ladies, you are just as guilty. I beg you, do not leave stained underwear hanging in the shower knowing you have a guest coming over. Do not leave your least flattering or most padded bra on display either, always choose the lace. Always check your bathroom trash because a trash full of used feminine hygiene products only reminds our male counterparts how foreign we are. Moreover, I beg that when you have a boyfriend, you do not cover your walls with his memorabilia or surround yourself with his images. It’s truly creepy. In addition, let me remind you that as much as you love pink, do it in moderation. No man wants to spend the night in a room where he wakes up questioning how he fell asleep in a pre-pubescent girl's bedroom. And last but not least, get it right, keep it tight, and clean your home. No further explanation needed.

As you embrace your adult identity, it is imperative that one’s apartment reflects your new found expectations in the dating scene. I beg that you take your home décor one step further and incorporate style and creativity. After all, no date of yours should leave your home frantically deleting your contact info.