Disaster Date

I have been on many “unfortunate” dates but this one that I am about to share has got to be in my Top 3. Due to this date being a complete disaster with endless “what the hell was he thinking?!” moments, I’ve decided to summarize it into smaller segments, each incorporating a lesson in the hopes that guilty individuals' will learn from this post.

1.     When inviting your guest over to your home, please have the common courtesy to offer her something to eat or drink. When you decide that you are going to order-in food for yourself, ask if she would like something. I mean, she did just share how she hasn’t eaten all day. What a concept.

2.     When you invite a female over for a movie, do not start it before she arrives. It’s just weird.

3.     Do not ever question a woman’s efforts in regards to her presentation. Did you really just ask her “why are you so dressed up?” You should be so damn lucky in the fact that she just spent over an hour of her free time getting ready in the hopes of leaving you breathless. And to think I bothered wearing my good underwear for this!

4.     Do not ever disrespect your date’s cultural identity. I wish I was joking. He literally quizzed me on my heritage! Did you really just say “You aren’t [insert identity] because you can’t speak the language?” You must be out of your damn mind. Ignorance. It just doesn’t look good on anybody.

5.     Smoking and drinking are two activities that are not always the most “flattering” to flaunt when on a first date. Given that you are in a confined area with a woman you hardly know, it might be a good idea to show some respect by asking if she would mind you smoking in her presence. I would probably have smiled and lied stating “sure no problem!” But my dear friend, to spit and drop ash in the empty water bottle you are holding in your left hand while you hold me with your right? Not. The. Business.

6.     The mock. Fellas, do not mock your date. It is insensitive, uncomfortable, and unnecessary. This concept is so obvious, no example is needed.

7.     This is my favorite everyone. Ready for it? Who in their right mind informs their date that it is okay to kill innocent women and children because they are on the opposing side in the midst of war? His validation for it? “They have a choice to leave!” If you just found yourself cringing the moment you read that ignorant statement, you are not alone. Mind you, he proceeded to inform me how he would proceed to harm my vary people because he disagrees with their values. Seriously?!

8.     After an atrocious bad date, it was time to end this disastrous night. Can you guess who failed to walk his date to the car? I can only assume you just nailed that question.

So let us summarize what you just reviewed at my expense. I was informed in how I was in fact misinformed what my cultural identity was. I was informed how my people deserve to be massacred, inclusive of the innocent women and children. All while attempting to catch up on the movie you began without me as I choke on your cigarette smoke. And I’m still hungry, jerk!

Lesson: Ladies, if you find yourself in this situation, leave. Immediately.