Disaster Date

I have been on many “unfortunate” dates but this one that I am about to share has got to be in my Top 3. Due to this date being a complete disaster with endless “what the hell was he thinking?!” moments, I’ve decided to summarize it into smaller segments, each incorporating a lesson in the hopes that guilty individuals' will learn from this post.

1.     When inviting your guest over to your home, please have the common courtesy to offer her something to eat or drink. When you decide that you are going to order-in food for yourself, ask if she would like something. I mean, she did just share how she hasn’t eaten all day. What a concept.

2.     When you invite a female over for a movie, do not start it before she arrives. It’s just weird.

3.     Do not ever question a woman’s efforts in regards to her presentation. Did you really just ask her “why are you so dressed up?” You should be so damn lucky in the fact that she just spent over an hour of her free time getting ready in the hopes of leaving you breathless. And to think I bothered wearing my good underwear for this!

4.     Do not ever disrespect your date’s cultural identity. I wish I was joking. He literally quizzed me on my heritage! Did you really just say “You aren’t [insert identity] because you can’t speak the language?” You must be out of your damn mind. Ignorance. It just doesn’t look good on anybody.

5.     Smoking and drinking are two activities that are not always the most “flattering” to flaunt when on a first date. Given that you are in a confined area with a woman you hardly know, it might be a good idea to show some respect by asking if she would mind you smoking in her presence. I would probably have smiled and lied stating “sure no problem!” But my dear friend, to spit and drop ash in the empty water bottle you are holding in your left hand while you hold me with your right? Not. The. Business.

6.     The mock. Fellas, do not mock your date. It is insensitive, uncomfortable, and unnecessary. This concept is so obvious, no example is needed.

7.     This is my favorite everyone. Ready for it? Who in their right mind informs their date that it is okay to kill innocent women and children because they are on the opposing side in the midst of war? His validation for it? “They have a choice to leave!” If you just found yourself cringing the moment you read that ignorant statement, you are not alone. Mind you, he proceeded to inform me how he would proceed to harm my vary people because he disagrees with their values. Seriously?!

8.     After an atrocious bad date, it was time to end this disastrous night. Can you guess who failed to walk his date to the car? I can only assume you just nailed that question.

So let us summarize what you just reviewed at my expense. I was informed in how I was in fact misinformed what my cultural identity was. I was informed how my people deserve to be massacred, inclusive of the innocent women and children. All while attempting to catch up on the movie you began without me as I choke on your cigarette smoke. And I’m still hungry, jerk!

Lesson: Ladies, if you find yourself in this situation, leave. Immediately.

The V-Day Cop Out

 We have all heard the famous statement "I hate Valentine's Day!" When you ask why, you often run into 3 different perspectives. You find the cupid supporting “I love Valentine’s Day” promoters. You discover the "Happy 'Cupid Keeps Fucking Up' Day" haters as he or she pours a third glass of wine (That was me this year). Than there is the third category which will be the primary topic of discussion for this post. The "I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day, you should be showing that person how much you love them 365 days a year!" perspective. These individuals need to get slapped.

This year I decided to do a bit of my own investigating on the third final perspective given that I had the entire evening to myself.  I spent my Valentine's Day with a bottle of Moscato and a Blog while checking for a text message that never arrived. That was fun. I began interviewing individuals who I found on Facebook regarding their Valentine's Day festivities. As I presumed, I ran into the second and third V-day hater nation given that the third category was actually getting laid or at least attempting to. The closing arguments sounded a little something like this.“My man knows I only have eyes for him, we don’t need a Hallmark card to prove it” or “I treat my woman like a Queen each and everyday, she doesn’t need flowers or a gift to know it” Well bitch, we do.

I spend my mornings rolling over well before my alarm goes off just to see if I got that “Good Morning” text. I stopped getting those two weeks ago. My best friend spends her sessions in the waxing salon requesting to wax all else but her bikini line so she has a good reason not to sleep with a man. My other best friend has been waiting for her man, a good man, to say “I Love You” for almost two years. Seriously, two years.

Whatever your story may be, let’s be honest, there are days when you could really use some recognition so let Valentine’s Day be one of them. I mean common, make it a good excuse to spend the evening showing just how much you truly do care about that person in your life. You can spend the 364 other days frontin’ like you do.

Lesson: If you are guilty of the “Valentine’s Day” cop out because let’s be honest here, you can’t simply admit that you had nothing planned for the big day, at least try and live up to your noble self given title. 

Can You Get Me In?!

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Now I hope you did not think this blog was only targeting the wrong doings of males. For this edition, I’d like to point out the lack in club etiquette I have recently witnessed among bourgeoisie females when trying to get in.

No one wants to pay an entry fee at a nightclub, so like the intelligent club goer you are, you contact the promoters. Whether it's via Facebook or Text, you are informed of the venue, dress code, and the time to be there. Now being a club promoter in the past myself, I cannot stress this enough. When we say arrive no later than 11pm, we mean it. Oh but of course, you got so caught up in the self-photo opp (Yes, I am guilty too) that you arrived at 12am to a nightclub where you can hardly get through the entry gates.

You pay $20 to valet that BMW you know you did not pay for. You proudly rock that $300 Foreign Exchange dress and pair it with those 6” Louboutins. Being that Guestlist has been closed for well over an hour, the security guard looks you up and down and demands a cover fee. You protest the cover charge, I mean, how could they not let you in for free? After an obnoxious attempt of you marketing yourself as the “baddest female that ever walked into the venue,” the security guard mentions capacity and turns you away unless you decide to purchase that overpriced Grey Goose bottle. Mortified, you text the promoter "Can you come out? We can’t get in!”

After back to back text messages, the promoter reveals there’s nothing he or she can do. Your flirt tune changes. You exclaim that you have certain expectations in how to be treated as a guest. You are not the type to wait and most certainly are not the type to pay. Stop right there, rewind! She said she's not trying to pay a $20 to get in after being 2 hours late? Aren't you the same woman that proudly announces you don't need a man in your life, that you got that independent woman swag? Te-ha! Being the prideful woman you are, you turn away and head to the next club over and proudly check in on Facebook along with the 20 other bourgeois females who decided to arrive fashionably late.

Lesson: Ladies, promoters can only do so much, especially when it comes to one of the hottest nightclubs in Los Angeles. When we say be somewhere by a certain time so we can help you get in, be there. Otherwise feel free to enjoy the photos posted from the event on FB the following day.

Reflection

I debated inserting this piece into my blog on the account of its controversy of not being exactly PG rated. However, given that I have been witness to this ordeal on multiple occasions, I just can’t take it anymore and it must be noted.

Sex. It is a beautiful thing. Even more beautiful when it’s between two beautiful people banging it out. Now add a mirror. One would hope that this mirror would provide an opportunity for you to watch one another and help you feel like you just starred in your own porno. Hey, I’m not judging. However, please, I beg you, do not make it blatantly obvious that the entire time you are starring in this feature film that you are the only cast member. Stop looking at yourself! I see you looking at yourself for the last 20…15… Okay, let’s be honest, 8 minutes! Should I leave the room and leave you and your reflection to yourself?

Lesson: Sneak a peek at your performance, why not, you’re working it. But fellas, give your girl some credit where it’s due and let her know you’re enjoying the view.

           

Can I Get Your Number?

I have seen this maneuver a multitude of times and it must be noted. You know what, bookmark this page. If you think you had this sort of swag, you probably now know why the female you were originally talking to stopped answering your calls.

It was a mutual friend’s birthday party at a nightclub in Downtown LA. Now granted, this “male friend” and I had only recently begun talking and it was clear that we were both opting for the single lifestyle. During the event, it was refreshing to hear that this “male friend” had mentioned me to a couple good friends of his. Quite flattering to know Facebook photos were exchanged and details highlighting my educational swag were noted. Unfortunately, my spotlight was short lived.

           

I noticed that this “male friend” of mine continuously “wandered the club.” Fair enough, he was single and frankly LA got some bad females. However, when you are talking to someone and it is pretty apparent she is with you for that evening, do not, I repeat, do not ask for a girl’s phone number 5 feet away. Better yet, please do not cupcake and request 3 different girls' numbers right in front of the girl you are talking to.

           

So I am assuming I am getting some flack for this lesson. I get it, when you are casually dating, one is more than welcome to get a multitude of numbers. But to do it right in front of someone you are talking to is blatantly disrespectful and honestly quite hurtful. Go to the other side of the club and get those numbers son, I know I did.

LESSON: Do not get another girl’s phone number in front of the girl you are talking to. If you are going to hustle the infamous 10 digits, do it at the other end of the club.

Angry Single Women: Women Who Don't Know They're Single

In all fairness, men are clearly not the only ones guilty of needing a lesson in swag etiquette. Women are just as guilty if not more so, after all, it may be why you, a woman, is reading this blog on a Friday night, scooping Nutella straight from the jar onto an over sized spoon, and reloading Facebook’s newsfeed praying his name will come up. I debated creating this vary subject as an entirely new blog because lets be honest, angry single women are by far one of the scariest things you can come across. This is why the wine industry is probably such a success.

On that note, I wish to introduce the topic: Angry Single Women. This version, Angry Single Women: Who Don’t Know They’re Single. I mean let’s be honest with ourselves, he never asked you to be his girlfriend, did he? But you text him at 2:06am on a Saturday night lecturing him on not checking in 5 minutes past 2. My favorite, you call him screaming at the top of your lungs taking full advantage of the head snap because some female just posted a Drake video on his wall. Well, angry single women, you can now guarantee he won’t be your man because you just lost your dam mind.

I bring this up because I have been witness to this on multiple occasions and I just can't help but shake my head and pray for us. I don’t even pray, but every time, I become one step closer. Ladies, I get it. You saw that the guy you are talking to is “liking” a female’s new profile pic. You get even more upset if she’s more attractive than you. I also get that when you text “your man“ a message that took you 20 minutes to compose which you forwarded to three of your best girlfriends to pre-screen before you sent it off, all you receive back is “K,” you hit the roof. I get it.

Ladies let us make one thing clear, it is not your place to call “your man” screaming at the topic of your lungs about his actions that are in all honesty, justified. He did nothing wrong. Sure he talks to you like he’s your man. He takes you out like he’s your man. He may even text you 24/7 like he’s your man but if you keep screaming at him claiming all the wrong he’s doing since after all “he’s your man,” you’re never going to become his girl.

Lesson: Ladies, the next time you find yourself enraged with jealousy because he just uploaded a photo of himself surrounded by females at a club, infuriated over 2 hour late text messages, or Facebook statuses that don’t pertain to you, grab a glass of wine and calm the f*ck down. Trust me, after three glasses and a bitch it out session with your roomie, you’ll be far less angry and much more likely to receive the “goodnight text.”

           

             

The "You Look Like My Ex" Syndrome

What is it with guys and girls informing their new love interest just how much he or she reminds them of their ex?  I am not sure if you heard but your ex probably isn’t standing behind you listening in on the sweet nothings you’re telling to your new love interest praying to hear his or her name. Moreover, I can guarantee that that new female or male friend of yours is even less likely to want to hear it. And with that, let me share a little story about the man who informed me of this vary lovely detail:

I was working a promo for a smoothie maker or ice cream maker (I never quite figured it out) at a Bed Bath & Beyond. One would think with yogurt… or ice cream… all over the hands, an apron covered in rotting fruit, faded makeup from the night before and a “go fuck yourself attitude” due to a deteriorating hangover, I would avoid a bad pick up line. Little did I know, I was in for good material that would be later used for this vary blog.

An employee continuously passed me each time with a shy smile and a nod. The more he passed, the more samples he entitled himself too. Jerk. Finally, he got the courage to introduce himself after sharing a story about how his ex wife broke his heart and as a result binged on ice cream and gained 25 lbs. Fair enough, he at least thought I was selling ice cream. He proceeded to ask me about my line of work as a promotional model and my recent adventure over the past weekend. Suddenly he stopped mid-sentence and the pick up line began.

He stepped closer, leaned over my table and questioned, “Are you Israeli?” In confusion, I nodded my head unsure of his intentions in knowing this knowledge. He screeched, no joke, this man nearly lost it. “I knew it! You’re so beautiful, all Israeli women are!” Clearly he was an intelligent man in my eyes at this point until he said this:

“I knew I would like you the minute I saw you, you’re gorgeous... You know how I know?” I looked at him with confusion. “You look just like my ex wife!”

Now I don’t know exactly who taught this man that hitting on women by claiming they look like the ex that made him 25 lbs larger was a good idea but that person needs to be slapped. Who ever taught this man that proceeding to talk about his ex wife in conjunction to inviting me on a dinner date  for the following hour was an even better idea needs to be exiled.

Lesson: “Fellas please don’t insist on how a lady may look like your cheating ex!” – Alicia P.

The Decline

Let me begin by saying ladies; always carry a backup form of payment to avoid the situation I am about to share. It is a situation where the boyfriend of yours invites you to a first class dinner. Showers you with compliments and promises to end the night with champagne and strawberries. Oh that’s right, we’re talking about someone I once dated. The dinner: Chicken and Waffles. Dress code: Sweaty work clothes. The bill: Unpaid. So exactly how did this night pan itself out?

As a promotional model often times you find yourself working in bars and restaurants promoting various brands of alcohol and “top notch” liqueurs. That evening I was promoting a product that left me smelling like children’s grape cough syrup. I invited the man I was dating at the time to the event since I knew the Warriors (Go Monta!) game would be on and I could slip him some free samples. As he waited for my shift to be over he became anxious and ready to embrace Oakland’s classic Chicken and Waffles platter.

By the end of my shift the food had arrived and an extra set of utensils was brought out for me. After a mundane dinner conversation where I was scolded on not hustling enough free samples to him, three clogged arteries, and a $40 bill later, it was time to pay. I shuffled through my purse in search for my credit card realizing I had not even thought to bring it since I was planning to only be at work. He looked at me and smiled, “I got it.”

As he handed the card to the waiter I couldn’t help but be impressed with his generosity. He was not the type to pay, after all, in these times everything was 50/50 and we did split the bill quite often. Thank you feminist movement. The waiter returned with an uncomfortable look and stated “It looks like your card declined, do you have another?” My company looked horrified as he sifted through his wallet for a second card. Nothing. I diffused the situation by reminding him I always keep cash in my car for emergencies. Needless to say, I felt horrible for him, no one wants to hear "you've been declined."

Fortunately, I knew the bartender from previous events I had been apart of and had some company as my boyfriend searched my car for a form of payment. He ran back inside and impatiently questioned why it was not in there. "Why don't you have any money on you?!" Rude. Long story short, one hour and a half later I was sitting in an empty Chicken and Waffles with a bartender, a homeless man spouting off words of wisdom he claims Jesus told him about premarital sex in downtown Oakland. It was not ideal.

Oh but fellas, this is what I would like you to take note of. When you return to a closed down restaurant that you left your girlfriend at for almost two hours because you failed to bring a proper form of payment; do not pay with her debit card that you found at the house that was only twenty minutes away. Do not give her the cold shoulder on the way back home as she consoles you saying “it happens.” Do not lecture her on talking to strange men late at night when that is exactly where you left her. And most importantly, do not do this twice.

Yes it is true, this was the first of two events where my boyfriend attempted to sweep me off my feet with a maxed out credit card and used mine to pay.We didn't work out.

The Turn Around

If you have ever been to a nightclub that reeks of douche bags or Rapper wannabees, you have probably heard this line before:

“Damn, girl, you lookin’ hella fine tonight. Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Not a bad way to start the night. Sure, he’s not your type but one can always appreciate a compliment… at least his efforts. But like the class act you are, you smile and inform him you appreciate the compliment but are just not interested. As he pulls you in a little closer and begs you for just one dance you step back and stand your ground. Suddenly you hear this line:

“Forget you than, you hella ugly anyway!”

Let me just say, if you had hopes of getting laid tonight, this was probably not the way to do it. Not only are you guilty of “the turn around” and therefore making yourself look like a complete contradiction, you have officially lost 5 more potential females in the club. I can guarantee you that that same female has busted you out regarding your lack in swag etiquette to the entire group she came with. I mean after all, how can we not take advantage of this gossip opportunity?

Lesson: Do not be guilty of “The Turn Around.” If you get rejected, walk away and better luck next time. Hey, one of her girls may just fall for the most over used line at the club.

Why "Swag Etiquette"?

Maybe it is a word that is temporarily used time and time again in every song, poem, or Facebook post that is driving you, the reader, absolutely insane. Sure, it probably is behind every "#" sign on Twitter or is the finishing word behind a simple phrase that really has no need for it. However, despite how often the word is overused, it defines exactly the key factor that is often "just not cutting it". When we embark on the 'dating, club, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, breaking our necks checking out the guy who we know isn't right for us and probably fresh out of prison' scene, Swag is lacking. So let's define it.

Swag: How one presents him or her self to the world. Swag is shown from how the person handles a situation (Urban Dictionary, 2010).

Etiquette. It is a beautiful thing that seems to have been lost over the years due to losing value in the importance of good manners. Maybe it is because individuals rebel against what is conventional. Maybe it is laziness. I am unsure of the reason it has been lost and I only know of it due to the little I have been personally taught  or classic films and literature that illustrate this foreign word during my short time on this earth. What I do know is that it is missing and needs to come back.

Etiquette: Socially acceptable behavior (Websters, 2009).

I, along with many young men and women I know are looking for an individual with just that. A presentation of oneself that reeks of confidence, togetherness, good humor, mischievousness; yet, illustrates respect, chivalry, and an effort to hold on to the little tradition of romance this generation has left. 

A Lesson in Swag Etiquette

Recently single, I decided to spend the next year embracing the single life once more. Unfortunately, it is not as glamorous as the movies make it out to be. I knew finding that perfect man would be impossible, after all, no one is perfect. However, in my exploration of a damn good time, I came to the realization that most have their work cut out for them, both men and women. I found myself counting down to the second when these dates would end. I found myself yawning mid thrust. I found myself simply full of questions I could not answer. I beg to ask, "what happened to chivalry?" I wonder, "where has the romance gone?" I shyly question, "what happened to good sex? Is this it?" And the infamous moment you close the door behind you signifying the end of a bad date, you shout "what was he thinking?!" I am no expert. Clearly. However, I decided to take it upon myself to observe, consider, and advise those who clearly need a helping hand in the dating scene. So take this blog lightly but with some consideration. These posts will reflect not only my experiences but many experiences both men and women in their twenties are facing in a cruel war known as "the dating scene."