How to Survive a Breakup

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I began the year of 2012 as a new single woman in her twenties. Now I must admit, the breakup did not come as a shock based on two individuals unable to move forward without fighting words. Despite my breakup, I was applauded on my newfound lifestyle viewed by the masses as a result of social media. Social media is a funny thing. Everyone’s’ lives seem so perfect through quickly updated statuses, nightlife uploads, and creatively stated check ins. Ironically it is social media that has been responsible for plenty of the drama we all wish to hide. You remember that photo at the club you uploaded while your man was working graveyard? Yea, he was pissed. Remember that Instagram photo you posted when your girl was home sick? Yea, she was pissed. And don’t you remember that ambiguous status you wrote after a miscommunication through text, because no one seems to believe in phone calls? Yea, pissed and your hashtags in a text didn’t help. Guilty. You are now single, aren’t you?

I know a lot of people who became engaged this year. No, seriously, two weeks ago I knew eighteen engagement rings and marriage licenses were handed out. Today I know twenty-three. Right?! Among the constant congratulatory posts and perfectly filtered engagement ring photos, it was messages from individuals asking me for one piece of advice that stood out. “How did you survive your breakup?” Through their eyes, it seemed like I had it all figured out.  

To help you through this post I am going to ask you, my readers, to do a few things. Get comfortable in your seat, this may take a minute. Grab a glass of wine, it adds to the ambiance. Listen to my story, gain perspective.

In 2007 I ended a four-year relationship with someone who was perfectly imperfect. I find it funny when people applaud the divorcee while attacking the divorcer. Breaking someone’s heart that was still in yours is no easy task. Than try living with them for six months post breakup as a result of a signed lease and two low-income students without a plan. It is not to your benefit or to mine to explain my reasoning behind our break, however, the aftermath is what I wish to highlight. Post breakup, I was approached numerous times by all walks of life: his friends, my best friends, my own mother, explaining what a mistake I made. Everyone had an opinion. His friends called me slut, whore, bitch, and every critique imaginable. Other friends informed me I was responsible for ruining someone’s life and was responsible for his leave to the military. In six months, a lease was broken and I found myself homeless, spending the night on couches for a nine-month period.

And to think you thought I had it all together? The year after my breakup was one of the harder years and you better believe cupid was on my shit list. There was no room for me to “lose it” after my breakup and with that I learned valuable lessons related to this topic. I promise, it does get easier, it just takes trial and error. You asked how I survive breakups. I am no expert but based on my experiences, I can provide you with what I have come to know through five identified steps in How to Survive a Breakup. I apologize in advance to my male readers; unfortunately, this is a lesson for the young women in “survival” because it is not my place to speak for you. However, stick with me on this one, you may gain perspective.

Step One: The “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Breakup

Ladies, you’ve just been dumped. Like literally, he broke up with you on the phone while you were driving on the Highway 5 during commute traffic. I know, I know, it’s said to be mutual. In fact, you had your whole speech prepared for that evening when you were going to announce to him “we need to talk, it’s over.” Naturally, it didn’t go as planned and no sooner had you hung up the phone and logged onto Facebook to find “Kaitlin is now single.” Thank you Facebook for that notification and the ex for the news, I was not aware. Numerous calls and texts begin streaming in with questions and concerns for a newly updated relationship status. So what do I do? Exactly what you should not do. Post on Facebook. Please excuse my language, I was recently an Angry Single Woman caught in LA traffic. The post: “Bitch ass [men] making bitch ass moves.”  Not my best moment.

Lesson 1: When you have just heard “it’s not you, it’s me” or “this isn’t working” or any other classic form of a breakup, do not post any form of social media for at least 24 hours. You know what, multiply that number too as high as you think you need. Unless you look real good, I’ll let that slide. Read Swag Etiquette. Resume. The Angry Single Woman routine is important, but let’s go a different route.

Step Two: The Angry Single Woman

Someone recently asked me if I was the Angry Single Woman in which I refer to in Swag Etiquette. I take pride when I share that those posts are actually not about me but rather what I have observed. I know, hard to believe when you see me take full advantage of the ratchet clap and hashtag #BAN in my posts. However, how could I end 2012 without some admittance to my Angry Single Woman ways? You know, those nonconventional actions you take fresh out of a breakup? Some burn houses. Some slash tires. Some key cars. Most certainly not my style, after all, three of my four exes never owned a car and they often were in my house. However, I am guilty. Guilty of those ambiguous Facebook statuses as previously reported. I am guilty of pulling a Katy Perry ‘I Kissed a Girl’ moment at Tru and consumed unlimited Tequila when my limit was at three when you arrived hand in hand with a woman after you just told me you loved me. I am guilty of excess ratchet claps, head nods, and Z-snaps at the least opportune times, most often after those infamous LA dates. I am guilty simply of being a woman who has been hurt.

Lesson 2: Anger is often a result of frustration and sadness. We find ourselves frustrated in that he cannot see what we have to offer. We experience sadness when we realize he has no interest in it at all. So often we are criticized when we show any emotion. Express your anger, seriously, do it. However, do it legally. Do it safely. Do it where he cannot be witness. It is funny how people hold on and judge our less than lady-like actions yet they forget how well we performed in previous cases. Don’t give him reason to believe his decision to leave you was the smartest decision he ever made.

Step Three: Officially Missing You 

Remember when I said I might provide unconventional tips? Yea, this is one of those. Rebound. I had a damn good-looking man in my home the night of my breakup and took full advantage. I told you I was an opportunist. Stop right there, go to my post, “How to Have Sex Like a Man.” If you are unable to pull this off, a rebound is not for you. Trust me, I have been witness to this.

Still, rebound or not, you may find yourself visiting his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin, WTF is Linkedin? and every social media outlet in between. Over and over and over. Ladies, this will be the hardest yet most rewarding advice I have to give. Cut him off completely. No, seriously, for the time being, let him go. I never understood the power behind, “out of sight, out of mind” until my experience with an emotionally abusive ex whom I could not let go. I understood why we broke up, that I got; in fact, I was the one who did it. However, each text I received from him during my text history review, I still smiled. Each photo update with his new girlfriend, I cried. She was not even that cute. Each possibility of running into him, I spent an extra hour getting ready. I get it; you fear cutting him off will look childish. By “defriending” or “unfollowing” you show that his name bothers you and it’s true, you may be viewed that way. However, this is you time, it does not matter what he thinks because you no longer are his priority. Ladies I beg you right now, take this action if you are going through it. I’ll wait. You remember my post “Angry Single Women: The Text Delete?” Refer to that post (4/2/2012). You know how easy it is to find his number in your message history. I beg you delete it. I promise you wont have an emergency where you will need to contact him anytime soon. This will be your best bet if those Tequila shots are catching up with you and you have the urge to drunken text.

Lesson 3: It is natural to miss someone you were involved with at such an intimate level and it’s funny how you now have become just someone he use to know. You see what I did there? Miss him, it’s okay but remove him from your memory in any way possible for a period of time. It’s no longer a relationship, this is about you so why is he still present in your daily routine?

Step Four: Healing

So you physically survived a breakup. You even avoided incarceration because you decided vandalizing his material items was not the way to go. Most importantly, you were able to remove yourself from all forms of contact with him. So why does it hurt so badly still? Ladies, you may have survived the physical part of a breakup but the emotional part is what gets us in trouble. There are not enough pages to fill on how to heal after a breakup, everyone is different, and so I will simply explain what has helped me in the past.

Cry: Ladies, I know when those independent women songs come on; you raise your hand up high and recite the lyrics with not one mistake. The reality is it’s okay to be sad. Let yourself cry. I know, it seems like it will never stop once you begin but I promise you it will. Give yourself that. Let go of the scrutiny and criticisms we women are victim to when showing emotions. This is not about them, it’s about you.

Emotional Support: Take advantage of emotional support. I am not talking about venting through Facebook. I will give you one free pass on that but anymore you find your posts flooded with advice you never asked for. Ain't nobody got time for that. Reach out to those who you know have your best interest at heart. One of my girls is the best at understanding me when my eyes are filled with tears, dry heaving is in full effect and I am unable to speak a clear sentence. We call that the Ugly Girl Cry. I have another girl who is perfect when I need to take full advantage of slang, Z-snaps, and “mHmmm, yes he did!” act. My mother is excellent at keeping me on track and reminding me of my full potential as an educated and intelligent woman who should have been looking for a Jewish husband in the first place. Not exactly what I was going for but I’ll take it. My foster mom is the one that tells me everything I needed to hear and more reminding me not to take the breakup so personal. I always do.

Coping Skills: All of us have an outlet and a way we cope with life stressors we experience on a day-to-day basis. Some make use of the gym. I have been to the gym at most five times in my life. I go a different route. Music is the most powerful outlet for emotions for me personally. When I am evoking that Angry Single Woman inside, you better believe I have explicit rap at max volume that drowns out my misinterpreted lyrics. Other times, I write. I free write. I quote. I start a blog. How else do you think this began? The man I was crazy about told me everything I wanted to hear but his actions said otherwise. It was Valentine’s Day and I never heard from him besides a generalized text “Happy V-day KK.” Apparently it took to much effort to spell out my name and the holiday present. With one bottle of wine, a few good stories, and the ability to write quite well intoxicated, I began Swag Etiquette. Find your outlet.

Lesson 4: There will be better times after a hard breakup, I promise. However, there comes a point when it’s up to you to take that first step and begin to heal in the ways in which you have identified as most suitable for your well being.

Step Five: Moving On

Ladies and Gentlemen: this is where Swag Etiquette comes into play. A breakup is not easy, non-compliant one’s at least. Move forward. Move forward in advancing your education or employment. Tend to things that have been on your to do list for far too long. Begin to date .I spent 2012 dating all walks of life and although it is apparent many did not work out, it is about the experience. Fellas, we are looking, I promise. We come across as Angry Single Women sometimes, ill admit. However, many of us, resolution to “Stay Single for a Year” or not are not blind to a man who can contribute to a change of heart. We just require a man with proper etiquette, swag or not.

Final Lesson:  We all have been there, or at least I am assuming you have based on the fact you are reading this post. It is no surprise breakups are heartbreaking and I am flattered some of you have reached out to me to ask for my advice or simply for me to listen. I was happy to. Trust me, it does get easier but it sure might require you to over come the challenges mentioned above. I do apologize in advance, you may date some of the worst in LA as I have, but think, you just might meet one of the best. I wish you well.

Angry Single Women: Keyboard Restriction

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Fellas, I apologize, I think I have been a bit hard on you lately. “Bitches be crazy” is not just a witty e-card, it’s truth. Ladies, you need to sit down for this one because you’re in trouble. You’re about to be put on blast in the Angry Single Women edition of Swag Etiquette under Keyboard Restriction. I would say text but than you would just use Facebook. I’d say Facebook but than you would comment on Instagram. I am denying you keyboard access until you finish this post.

After having the opportunity to connect with a couple of good friends, I have had the opportunity to experience what it would be like to be a single man. All right, I may be exaggerating. I simply was given permission to take his cell phone during the car ride and answer his incoming text messages. The other experience was where a friend of mine gave me insight to Angry Single Women by showing me excessive messages received via Facebook. Now I have had my share of poorly worded text messages, both delivered and received but nothing compares to the desperation women are illustrating with keyboard access.

Exhibit A: My friend informed me a guy friend of his was playing a prank on him and forwarded his number to a girl who recently had broken up with her boyfriend. I believe that is how this all began. Now the conversation between my friend and this young woman went fairly smooth in the initial stages of texting. Than she got weird. Ladies, I don’t know how to make it anymore clear but texting should be done as if you were face to face with an individual. For example, I would not stand in front of a man I hardly knew and ask, “do you think I am pretty” only to follow with “you’re just saying that” when he tells you what you want to hear. I mean, you sound ridiculous. It gets worst. The young woman proceeded to create a trivia challenge for my friend questioning, “are you a mean or nice guy?” What does that even mean? If he were a mean guy, would he say yes? Your excessive LOLs and HAHAs to comments that had no intention of being funny, trust me I know because I wrote them, shows you are incapable of a conversation. Given that you have failed to use a “.” or “,” this entire time, you also need to return to school. I mean seriously, you should not be allowed to text.

Exhibit B: That same night, my friend and his home girl were texting throughout the night during our kick it. The conversation was fairly predictable until she flipped the script. Out of no where she asks, “does it bother you that I am texting you?” Home girl, if he’s texting you back, you already have your answer. She later followed with the same question as Exhibit A, “do you think I’m pretty?” Seriously, what if he said no? I highly doubt you have enough wit to come up with a good response. In my honest opinion, a woman who is confident in her self should not need to search for compliments but always honor them when they are given. Ladies you need to relax. He’s your homeboy so why make it weird? You should not be allowed to have your cell phone. I mean seriously, put it down.

Exhibit C: For a minute, I thought my good friend was just attracting some abnormal females. Could all females be this desperate?  Exhibit C reminded me, it is quite possible. The other night my “man friend” and yes I said man friend, began discussing some of the people who have been in and out of our lives. He showed me a message on Facebook where the intention was a conversation between him self and a girl he use to talk to. Something like that. The only problem was, she never waited for his response. What do I mean exactly? I mean this: you are allowed one message where you say all what you need to say. If you do not receive a response, it’s time to let it go and move forward. The problem was this angry single woman failed to do so. She sent her message using feeling words and all. Within two days she proceeded to message in anger because he had not responded. I knew she was angry based on her cap locks. That’s one way to do it. I wish that were where the story ended. This angry single woman went from a message with feeling, to a message with cap locks, to a message with swear words, to a message filled with hate. Mind you, he responded with two sentences at max. Reading it, all I could wish was for her to simply stop and rethink. She did not. She didn’t even use periods. Again, females, please, resume your education. Exhibit C, welcome to Swag Etiquette.

Lesson: Angry single women, I understand emotions may get the best of us sometimes. However, it is imperative that you take a step back, read a little Swag Etiquette, take a grammar class, and remind yourself that less is more. Less indirect questions searching for compliments. Less anger via cap locks. Less bi-polar thought process via Facebook. Take a step back and ask yourself, would the way you act behind a screen, be the way you would act face to face?

The "Lame Lance" Theory

A close friend of mine recently sent me a link to a YouTube video titled, you might have guessed it, “#LameLance.” If you have not already seen the video, go check it out before resuming this blog post.

YouTube: “#LameLance” https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=hKOB618eIjc#!

You didn’t do it, did you?

In case you did not watch the video, let me shed some light on the Lame Lance theory. If you can recall, I wrote a blog titled “Wait” that shared the reality that sometimes your name in someone’s phone is identified as “Do Not Pick Up” or worst, “12345678.” That’s because your number wasn’t even worth the time to add as a contact in her cell phone. Now don’t worry, your number just might actually come into good use.

Lame Lances know our main men have a tendency to slip up time and time again. Lame Lance is the guy who every woman can count on when waking up every morning to those "Good Morning" text messages. Lame Lance is the guy who, knowing he wont get a text back, will continue to text us those favorite "Thinking of you" or "Hope you're feeling better" messages. Lame Lance's game is often doubted, criticized, and in all honesty, worthy of blog material. Trust me, I've used it. Now I know what you’re thinking, Lame Lance is the one slippin’. You see, I beg to differ because Lame Lance knows that her main man is bound to slip up and when that happens, he’ll be the first one in line. Ironically, Lame Lance is the guy who is called or let us be honest, texted, because no one seems to know how to use a phone anymore, when her main man is slippin’. 

As demonstrated in the video, a man slippin' may include your girl requesting "just for one, please" because her main man is at home with his boys playin' Call of Duty. Black Ops 2 just came out and all our main men went into hiding, received any unexpected text messages lately? Main men slippin’ can include every post you find her on Swag Etiquette. See, slippin’, and that’s where you, Lame Lance, come in.

Now as a single woman, I have watched my main men slip up one too many times. It’s funny because these main men have a tendency to be traded out and become old news but Lame Lance still remains present. And let me clarify, Lame Lance can come in many forms. We have Lame Lance "my main man just slipped up, can we talk?" This is where my infamous ratchet clap will come in. We have Lame Lance "I'm just trynna kick it." After all, Lame Lance invited your girl to Waffle House and we all know, “bitches love waffle house.” And of course, we have Lame Lance, "I'm just trynna fuck." Lame Lance is the one I’m calling when you took too long to text back when I was trying to remind you what you’ve been missing. Lame Lance is the one I’m calling when I catch you texting another female and you give me the excuse, “that’s just my homegirl.” Lame Lance is the one I’m going to call when I need to be heard knowing you won’t be there to listen.

Lame Lance has a tendency to remind us women that, sure, they may not have the intended swag we women prioritize, but admittedly, they’re the one we find ourselves calling when you're not around. No longer are we texting our main men, you perhaps, like we use to. Ever wonder why?

Main men, listen closely and carefully. As a main woman, I didn’t just call or text Lame Lance for a five-minute conversation this time. I caught you slippin’ one too many times. I had him come over and he taught me somethin’; You can easily be replaced.

Lesson: First and foremost you must understand a difference between your “main man” and “boyfriend.” This writer is not here to promote cheating. Secondly, watch the video for a good laugh because some material I was unable to include. Lastly, main men pay attention to how you treat your girl because without a doubt, someone else is doing it right and if not careful you can become just another Lame Lance in her phone.