Heard It All Before

We have all been there. A place in our relationship, casual or serious where we are forced to tell those little white lies. Those lies that help us avoid receiving back-to-back text messages or an angry voicemail from our significant other. Now imagine the role reversed. He is 20 minutes late for your date and you have yet to hear from him. Finally, his name appears on your screen along with an explanation for why he can’t make it. Disappointed, you take a seat. Take off your designer heels. Wipe off your MAC lip gloss that you retouched more times than needed and log on to Facebook. Suddenly you realize, it was just another excuse. He just checked himself into the club via Facebook with a mobile upload attached. Next!

Ladies and Gentlemen: May I present the top 15 worst excuses my roommate and I have heard or used ourselves in our history of dating

1.     My cousin just got out of jail and I had to go. It was 8pm. You just found out he's getting out of jail now?

2.     I am three hours late because I had to take Bart. He was only 15 minutes away.

3.     I knew you would be so tired so I didn’t think going out for our anniversary would be something you would want to do. Nice one. Try again.

4.     I can’t go out tonight, I don’t get paid until Friday. Our plan was to stay in and watch a movie.

5.     I miss you. I’ve heard this all before, yet you don’t see me…?

6.     I have 100 things to do this weekend. But I want to see you. Clearly.

7.     I have a business meeting in an hour. Yet we just sat down for dinner and you’re telling me now?

8.     I just thought you were busy since you never messaged me. You couldn’t message me?

9.     My friend tried to commit suicide last night and I really want to be there for her. That friend just posted a photo of herself on Instagram.

10.  Ignored the Facebook Chat message when clearly you were logged on. Go offline.

11. I have a lot of homework I need to get done. It’s Saturday night.  

12. I have to be somewhere early in the morning so I can’t hang out tonight. Seriously? I didn’t know we had curfews after age 12.

13. I am in San Diego this weekend, but I promise to make it up to you. “Checked into Hollywood Blvd.”

14. I just need some space or I don’t want to complicate our friendship. And you are just realizing this 45 minutes before our date?

15. I can’t see you tonight because I’ll be too tempted to sleep with you. Not even God can you save you from this epic fail of an excuse. 

Lesson: If you have high hopes for seeing someone in the near future, please come up with a better excuse for why you can't make it. With technology these days, your bad excuses just aren't going to cut it. Here's an idea, simply apologize for not being able to make it and reschedule. Mind. Blown.

Stacks on Racks

Now I find it safe to say that I am quite an opened minded girlfriend, especially when it comes to the sex industry. Pause right there. Don’t worry, this is not a NC-17 rated blog but it does introduce the topic of what is standard swag etiquette when it comes to men and the strip club.

Disclaimer: All individuals are unique and I have no intention to look down upon those in a partnership that do find enjoyment in activities outside what society defines as “acceptable” or “normal” in regards to sexuality. I am simply speaking from my own personal experience and preference.

I was dating a guy for about a year and it was time to spice it up. We decided to walk down Market Street in San Francisco after a couple of drinks at a nearby club. If you know San Francisco, you know Market Street is probably not the best place to select a strip club, especially on a weeknight. We saw it all. Baby mamas, mamas about to have babies, and everything in between, literally. Surprisingly, the evening went well and it was time to introduce him to one of San Francisco’s hottest strip clubs, Centerfolds. I could tell he was nervous. I reassured him to enjoy himself as we took a seat and assumed the role as professional critics. After an hour of darting eyes, sweaty palms, and an uncomfortable posture, he finally relaxed and decided to embrace sin.  I nudged him to go get a lap dance by my top pick. He happily obliged.

Now this is where it got out of hand. Mind you this is the same guy from the post “The Decline.” By the end of the night, my boyfriend managed to seek out three lap dances, $60 a piece and convince the entire nightclub that he was capable of singing “Racks on Racks” without looking like a complete contradiction. This was the same night as my birthday celebration. I was fortunate to be intoxicated during this experience.

I would never have even thought to bring up this topic if it wasn’t for someone I recently went on a date with that decided to mirror this same issue. It was a casual date where I came over to his apartment and we decided to get to know each other over poorly made cocktails and Sports Center. After a couple of hours of monotonous conversation, we decided we would check out a club on Hollywood Blvd. and bring his roommate along. No sooner had the two begun to discuss plans about heading over to the local strip club before heading to Hollywood. I simply stood there in confusion.

After the level of testosterone hit an all time high, I questioned their intentions. I was informed that this location was the perfect spot for drink specials, appetizers, and music. Naturally, there was no mention of strippers. I couldn’t help but be disappointed, I was actually intrigued but my invite was never sent. My date simply decided to cut our session short so he could “pre-party” before our night out.

Lesson: Every guy deserves to embrace temptation in moderation. However, fellas, when you decide to cut a date short or leave your girlfriend for two hours to watch a live version of a Tyga video in the backroom, that’s not swag. That's rude.

Angry Single Women: "The Bipolar Effect"

Ladies and Gentlemen: this post may be the most vital one you read. Ladies, how often do you find that you are pursuing or being pursued by someone but suddenly it all seems to “fall apart.” You notice that that someone stops sending you that “Good morning” text, fails to pay recognition when you are present, or simply stops coming around? You find yourself questioning the reasoning behind all of this and naturally you blame him. Well ladies, I am here to inform you it’s because you are guilty of “The Bipolar Effect.”

So what do I mean by “The Bipolar Effect?” First off, I thought it sounded better than “bat-shit crazy” but in all honesty, sit back and think about it:

Bipolar: This disorder causes the person to have mood swings frequently, usually triggered by something small. Mood swings can also occur for no apparent reason, and not to the person's control.

Case Study 1: A good friend of mine was “talking” to a young woman who he shared amazing chemistry with. I could watch the two for hours. They would be in a room full of chaos, not even talking, yet managed to just know what one another was thinking. Eventually the concept of “taking it to the next level” began to vastly approach. In an instant my friend heard it all, “I’m too busy,” “I’m overwhelmed,” “I don’t believe in relationships,” and the infamous “I need space.” Naturally, my friend began to do exactly that. Suddenly, his text inbox was filled with "what are you doing?" and “when are we going to hang out?” She found herself frustrated by his lack of contact and anxious the minute he entered the room and questioned, “why is he avoiding me?” After months of witnessing him dating girls both you and I could only dream of, she reached out and informed him "I miss you.” They have a date next week.

Case Study 2: It was a two hour long vent session that included “what the hell was he thinking?!” and “I need to buy him a book on communication!” between my girlfriend and I. Naturally, men and their lack of communication arose and frustrations regarding who says “I love you” first was questioned. She explained that even after two years it was not being said and couldn’t understand why. So I asked her, “Well, do you love him?” She hesitated and found herself unable to answer and immediately explained “Even if I don’t know, he needs to say it!” Clearly, women are “bat-shit crazy.”

Case Study 3: Ladies and gentlemen: This is the case study that makes me an expert on “The Bipolar Effect.” Now given that I was newly single I made it my 2012 New Years Resolution to remain single the entire 12 months. Within the same day of my breakup, I found myself splurging on the idea of romance with someone who turned out to be more complicated than imagined. If he texted often, I became indifferent. If he texted “K” after a twenty minute pre-approved by my girls text, I became infuriated. If it was an “I miss you” after two days of not hearing from him, you can guarantee my wine glass was filled and my phone was across the room. No seriously, that happened. Finally, he asked the most ideal question that could have simplified it all, “What do you want?” Any person who knew me could have answered the question in seconds but I found myself unable to speak. Suddenly I didn’t know what I wanted despite me spending the last few months daydreaming what could have been. Why was I unable to answer a question I knew I had the answer for? Simple. “The Bipolar Effect.”

Lesson: Fellas, I empathize with you, truly I do. It is no wonder you have mastered an indifferent mentality when it comes to “angry single women.” So here is my gift to you all, a lesson to all women guilty of “The Bipolar Effect.” Ladies, I encourage you to take a step back from situations where you find yourself caught up and unable to clearly define exactly what you want. The fellas are already well aware that us females are ridiculously complicated but let us make an attempt to give them one less reason to lose faith in us.

Top 10 Reasons Not to Date a Promoter

Now let me begin by saying, I am well aware there is always “the exception” to the rule, including this one. I just wish I found him. For this post I will be discussing, “Top 10 Reasons Not to Date a Club Promoter.” Scratch that. “Top 10 Reasons Not to Date a Promoter for love.” Now I was optimistic. I admit. Well, now I am coming to inform you, I should have listened to the realists.

1.                    I can guarantee that a promoter has approached you and asked you to take down their number. Ladies, when you enter that number, be sure to add “Don’t get excited when he texts you, he just text blasted 100 other women the same thing.”

2.                    This is crucial. The promoter who sent you that “personal invite” to the club is not asking you on a date. Don’t bother calling your girlfriends with excitement. You probably wont have much of a story to tell since he will disappear the entire night “personally inviting” 10 other girls to the next event.

3.                    You can guarantee the promoter will be holding 2 cell phones, one of which is bound to be a Blackberry which he can’t seemingly look away from. Now you are questioning why you bothered wearing your best dress and your 5" heels. That Blackberry should be thrown out the window.

4.                    Expect for him to have your number in his cell phone. Along with 500 other contacts with specified Called IDs such as “Annoying Chick,” or “Girl with Fat Friends,” or “I’d Tap That.” He’s also slept with half of that list.

5.                     Don’t be surprised to see him let go of your hand to talk to a “model like chick,” after all, “it’s business.” Don’t be even more surprised when he does this three more times.

6.                     Sorry ladies if you were expecting a little bump and grind on the dance floor. Your love interest will be to busy giggin’ on top of the VIP booth with three off rhythm chicks. I never quite figured out the relationship promoters have with their booth but I can guarantee it’s stronger than the bond you two have.

7.                     Be prepared to find girls smothering him with poor rhythm dances, the infamous girlfriend lean on, or maximum hug coverage because he simply got them through security. Be even more prepared that these females could look pretty bad ass.

8.                    I am convinced promoters get a God-like-complex where for that one night, they can do no harm. This includes the introduction, the flirt, the number exchange, the dance, and long drawn out good-bye. It was a long good-bye too. So long he forgot to say good-bye to you. But it's business right?

9.                    They become so concerned about their “fill ins” that you are often forgotten. Your glass remains unfilled. Your presence becomes unnoticed. You’ve just become a sideline chick.

10.                Ladies, this is by far the most valuable 1 of the 10. As a woman, we have one very powerful thing that many work hard for. Unfortunately, you are about to learn a harsh lesson in supply and demand. They have a large supply. You now are of low demand.

Lesson: It’s business. It always was. The game doesn’t change. They come to make money. The better the promoter, the more nights they work. So ladies, I beg you, think hard before you decide to date a promoter in the interest of love because I can guarantee you aren’t the only one chasing after him.