Tables Turned

“I give the right girl the world if she deserves it.” This is a text message my girlfriend received after introducing the idea that she had an expectation to be taken out on a “real” date after countless failed attempts. This line that was used was nothing unusual. Let me introduce you to one of the worst and yet overused lines that men have mastered when it comes to the dating scene: “If you deserve it” and “prove yourself worthy.” Now let us use it in a sentence. “Prove yourself worthy and I might take you out on a real date.” Thank you, I am so honored that after your countless missed calls and texts you are even considering taking me out. “I’d spend money on a girl if she can prove she’s worth it.” Oh ok, how about I fund your date for you since a well thought out price efficient date is seemingly impossible. Surprisingly someone found this line was a good idea, “I’ll actually put it down on you if you prove you deserve it.” (Looks around). You can’t be serious… Oh, you are serious. How about I just prove to you that I can do myself better than you ever could? I deserve that much, right? And of course what so many single women hear, “I would make you my girlfriend if you can prove you deserve it.” A big round of applause, I really was looking forwarded to a business deal with you where romance was nonexistent. Thank you for keeping me in business gentlemen.

The tables have turned ladies and gentlemen. It appears that men are no longer the ones looking to prove their self worth to women in order to achieve our company but rather expect it. Now we all have our theories as to why this may be. From my observations it is a combination of things where too many men have been lead to believe they have so much swag by too many thirsty women that they got nothin’ to prove. In more simplistic words, individuals have become consumed in an exaggerated sense of self worth that individuals are unable to find worth in others. Furthermore, too many women fail to stand ground and set standards leaving women with lower self worth to be readily available to prove the little they have to offer. I cannot tell you how many times men have made the idea of me proving my self worth a bargaining chip to achieve something that only seems wonderful and natural: good company, romance, sex, relationships, and marriage.

Lesson: Fellas, requesting women to prove their self worth should not be spoken. This is what a portion of the dating scene is about, isn’t it? As a gentleman, you take her out and she shows you a great time, she already has proven herself a call back and a second date, has she not? If she has shown you vulnerability by allowing you to take her to bed, she deserves respect the following morning whether it be the first date or 90 days after. And if she has shown to be a good woman who provides good company and meets your expectations, she deserves your loyalty, which may be in fact a title agreed between the two of you. Oh so you’re not exactly sold on the woman and now that I can understand so simply move on and move forward but I beg you to refrain your requests in identifying one to prove one’s self. Gentlemen, I apologize for the inconvenience for getting to know us and not outlining our self worth on a spread sheet, truly I do but quite honestly you lost our interest the moment you spoke those poorly executed lines.

The Clubber That Hates Clubbing

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If you know me personally, you know that I am a nightlife connoisseur. Beginning at age 18 I began working in the nightclub industry as a GOGO dancer, a cocktail waitress, a host, a promoter and of course the one who rejected the popular line, “I swear I am on the guest list, look again” woman. When I moved to Los Angeles, I still had people from the Bay Area asking me to put them on the guest list or advice in where to take their guests on a Friday night. Within one month that I moved to Los Angeles, I had people contacting me for LA hot spots and guest list info. I didn’t even work in a nightclub in Los Angeles when this was happening.

You see, what I have come to realize, is that I am no longer that person. I use to be and in turn that is where I met many of the men I was dating here in Los Angeles. Now I know what you are thinking, “this is why you are single! You can’t meet men in the nightclub!” I hate that comment, why not? I am a firm believer in that you can meet men and women anywhere. I will take this even one step further; I bet you can meet good men in a strip club too. Trust me, I did it. Both men and women want to go out at night. Makes sense. Some select the bar, others select a nightclub, and too many select the strip club. It is never fair of us to say their intensions are bad, I would hate to meet a man who failed to step out of his house once in a while. Oh that’s right, I wouldn’t.

So, now we have a problem in that I titled this post, “the clubber that hates clubbing” with material that supports meeting someone in the nightlife scene. Yea, I would like to modify my viewpoints in that it is imperative which nightlife locations you select. If there is one thing you are to take away from Swag Etiquette, it is this. Cross off Hollywood nightlife as your location to meet someone in LA and here is why:

It was Thursday night when I decided to step out to the Hollywood club scene and it was that same Thursday that I told myself “what the fuck is wrong with people!?” Sorry readers, there was no way I could filter that remark. As I walked up Hollywood boulevard to Blok nightclub I realized the importance in carrying around hand sanitizer because apparently handholding is the new go to line. Please don’t touch me, I don’t have health insurance. As I approached my destination, I noticed a long line wrapping around the corner that would later turn into a reminder of what it is like to enter a dog shelter. I can’t hear myself think with you barking“where you comin?!” You see where I am going, it’s inside. Being no stranger to the scene, I knew this line would only be temporary and I would soon be safe from adopting an unwanted pet due to pity. I approached the front of the line and questioned security, which was the guest list line in the most charming and genuine fashion. I wasn’t on the guest list. Ladies, this is what you always do so security has the chance to scan you and hold open the ropes if approved. Ladies, as a side note, always respect security and make use of the charm you have if you have any hopes in getting in quickly. I walked right inside only to remind myself that I was one hour too early because LA nightlife firmly believes in starting on a Friday morning for a Thursday night event. A group of promoters approached my girls and I to sit at the tables using the classic line, “come join us at the table. Don’t worry, our bottles are coming.” And you wonder why “The Thirst is Real,” women are opportunists.

As we sat at the table, the bottles failed to appear and multiple men approached me encouraging me to remain seated, the bottles were coming. It was at that point I reassured them I was not drinking that evening and made an effort to spark up the conversation. This is the worst part of trying to meet men in a nightclub; their conversational skills are beyond lacking in that they feel the need to stand up on the couch holding a bottle of cheap champagne as they wait for the cheaper hard liquor. As more than three conversations failed, I sat back and observed those that remained seated on their cell phones. This is the highlight of the night. When the bottles did arrive, the promoter pours less than an ounce of Vodka, a splash of cranberry and two ice cubes. Now being a promoter in the past let me remind you that these bottles are comped used to bring in guests. Unfortunately these promoters fail to impress and continue to criticize women of the thirst while I now criticize you for being unimpressive. Come on guys, you simply add more juice and ice with a garnish in order to be perceived a good host while you have enough liquor to supply. Get it together!

Filled with boredom, I did my round. I refer to “my rounds” as a nightclub tradition in that throughout the night I literally make my round as if I am searching for someone I know. I don’t know anyone, I always come alone and I will explain my reasons for that in another post. If I do come with guests, they are often at the table we are seated at or by my side. They are never lost. These rounds provide you the opportunity to see who else is in desperate need of company. I refer to those people as “the loners.” Unfortunately, the loners played it smart and stayed in that Thursday night leaving me flooded with the “wrist grabbers,” the “mean muggers,” the “female pushers,” and poorly executed lines and hand holds as they drop their drink down your thigh and shoes. My favorite was the guys that demanded I come up to their table after having a friend scan and request my approach. Bitch please, you can walk up to me and introduce yourself like a grown man. I was prepared for challenges in the dating scene where men fail to remember the importance in opening doors, a telephone call, and an intellectual conversation but I was not prepared to shout out “at your service sir” based on a request.

Two hours in and I was done. As I said my goodbyes, I anxiously rushed up the stairs only to look back and take in the scene once more.  While the majority of the women crowded the tables that would become unrecognizable in the morning, the men continued to decorate their booths with effortless posture with a cell phone in one hand and a bottle in the other. Officially unimpressed, I shook my head and made my exit. Walking back to my car I had the pleasure of walking down the darker side of the street so cars passing by would see me as unrecognizable and keep it moving. Unfortunately, a G37 circled twice only to park in a red zone and rush up to me. Now I will admit I gave him the time of day because I am an admirer of the G37. Okay, and the poor guy made use of refreshing conversation with a few good compliments thrown in. However, he was most certain not for me and kept it moving after a five minute conversation on comparing car stats, I did not walk out with one number that night.

Lesson: I hate to be that individual that informs her readers of the bad, the really bad, and the impossible. Unfortunately, when it comes to Hollywood, I can’t help but enlighten my readers in that maybe it is in fact not the best place to meet an individual you are in hopes of seeing the following morning. Based on what you are looking for, modify your search to a more fitting nightlife placement but always search where the glass the man is holding has been paid for with honest work and the approach will not require hand sanitizer or therapy.

Call Failed

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We have a situation readers, a very serious situation. So serious this post just couldn’t wait for its Sunday debut. Told you I would be back. I want you readers to take a minute. Pause for half a second because that is all you need. Now ask yourself, “Where is my cell phone?” That didn’t take you long, did it? In fact, I strongly have a feeling you were contemplating sending that text out or refreshing your Instagram as you clicked on this blog post. I am not going to lie, I am texting right now. Okay, but I have an excuse right? My girlfriend just had a great night with a new man she is seeing and let’s just say she is providing blog worthy material.

It is amazing how connected we are to our cell phones. So connected that we fail to forget who we are on a date or in a relationship with.  I mean honestly, my observations of cell phone usage on dates have led me to this vary blog post and begging for your attention. Readers, many of you and your partners are in serious need of a blog intervention and this is where it begins.

Remember that month I disappeared for a little while? Well you see I'm going to just say that was an educational experience because I was seeing someone who was clearly seeing someone else. By someone else I mean a cell phone and the man had two phones for reasons I still do not understand. This man is the individual that led me to shout, “I will not tolerate a cell phone in the bedroom!” But let me rewind. Lets discuss first date etiquette and cell phone usage.

I went to the Grove a while ago with my girlfriends at a beautiful restaurant in the center of all the action. That time of night when candles are lit, the warm breeze of LA smog screens through you, and the smells of perfectly cooked herbs consume your senses. Again, just kidding, if you know me, you know I can’t smell. This was perfect and worked to my advantage. While others were preoccupied by such beautiful distractions, I was occupied by a horrible disaster. Now I know this was a first date because I in fact saw the first engagement, the awkward hug, and the sit down. This is the first time a red flag was raised and I knew a blog on cell phone usage would be needed. Now I have to ask and beg for an explanation, who in the world thinks it is okay to bring an Ipad also known as an overly large cell phone to a dinner date? I know what you might be asking yourself, “perhaps this was a business meeting?” Yea, I don’t know about you but I have never shared a dessert with a business partner in this type of setting while I play on my overly large cell phone and my “business partner” spend the evening with what now looks like technology for ants. Now this date could have been saved believe it or not by using this technology to his advantage. Perhaps showing his date images of a recent trip could have made him seem a lot more interesting than what his appearance made him out to be. Or perhaps using his overgrown Iphone to look up funny stories, promote engagement and laugher breaking the tension on this unfortunate date. Whatever the case is, it was the worst-case scenario for technology on a date. Cheers to romance tech users at The Grove, I can’t wait to see how the next date goes. Oh that’s right, there wont be one.

I was recently on a dinner date with a man friend; I guess that’s what we call the man you’re currently seeing without the title.  Now next to us was what looked like a first date because honestly if what I saw was a relationship, I’d have some serious concerns for the romance department. I’m just playin’, we are way past that point. The woman looked beautiful and clearly took longer than the fifteen minutes I had taken that night to get ready. Now the man could use some style suggestions, I’ll admit, but we are going to let that slide because he was guilty of a much more heinous crime. On this disaster date, the man made minimal eye contact, chewed on a toothpick and spent the entire night focused on his cell phone. My date and I observed the girl holding her head up high, no cell phone in sight and tried to make the best of the situation. The woman looked around and smiled at passing waiters in between sighs of disappointment. What felt like an over extended outing on a Sunday night, the observed disaster date finally came to a close reminding me how lucky I was to be on a date where he did not take out his cell phone once.

So now we see why bringing a cell phone on a date quite possibly rules you out for a second date. Now imagine turning a blind eye and actually dating this individual. First let me clarify, the man I am about to mention was nothing close to a boyfriend but rather a few dates and a damn good time, when the cell phone was put away. Now the first few dates with this individual were perfectly executed, beautiful in fact they he led me to consider someone who was not exactly fitting to my ideal man. However, slowly he began to introduce me not to his friends nor family but his significant other. By significant other I mean the cell phone that failed to leave his side. If we were eating, it was dining with us. If we were watching a movie, legally downloaded of course, it was viewing with us. If we were in conversation, it was listening as was the constantly refreshed apps. If only it stopped there. You see, not only did I seem to be dating someone who was dating his cell phone, I was also dating the women in his phone. I was voluntarily introduced to ex-girlfriend chats and photos, current “female friend” forwarded e-cards and selected emojis and lets not forget his favorite Instagram uploads. Now I applaud his efforts in using his significant other as a way to engage with me, but honestly, once we had sex I’d like to think we didn’t need the crutch of a cell phone to promote conversation. Ladies and gentlemen, it doesn’t stop there. Here is where I want you to take a deep breath and prepare for the Z-snap because If it was possible, he would have been on that phone during foreplay and everything beyond if he could have it his way. Pre and post play, texts were sent, apps were refreshed, tweets were tweeted and new photos were uploaded. We no longer follow each other or exchange texts, we decided it was better to be disconnected.

Lesson: I see this all the time. I see individuals walking side by side but no longer walking hand and hand. No longer is conversational engagement put into practice but rather had over a social media site or with an individual who could not make it to the date. The use of a cell phone is often said to be a crutch, after all, it is something we have become so familiar with. Others believe the cell phone addiction is simply based on just that, an addiction and habit. Whatever the case is, these actions are a sure way to reveal that you have no intention to engage in live and in color with the individual who took time out of their busy schedule to see you in hopes of going beyond the text message, the follow, the “added friend” or “The New Match.” I can’t help but shake my head and laugh every time I see it knowing what the beauty in small social interactions is all about. The things you catch while engaging with an individual face to face are necessary in a connection beyond the “LOLs,” the “Wyd?” and perfectly selected e-cards and emoticons. I beg you all, put your cell phone down and disconnect from the outside world for just one moment so you can see what is in front of you.

Missing in Action

It's been a while, hasn't it? So long I almost forgot how to post! I am just kidding, that is certainly not the case, although I did forget my Blogspot password the first few tries. Moving on. Readers, I know what you're thinking. Swag Etiquette has run its course? She found someone. She is no longer in need of a public recall of account of the dating scene in Los Angeles.

Pause.

Do you remember I am dating in Los Angeles?! The search continues and boy do I have some new stories to tell. So now you may be wondering, why in the world has she been leaving us, loyal readers, with a cliff hanger? You see what I did there. Positive reinforcement anyone? Don't give up on me readers, I have something good and it's coming I promise.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce, Swag Etiquette material is now being featured once a month in a new upcoming online magazine named VOLO. Now to access the articles written, you do need to purchase a subscription but I promise that the photography is stunning, the articles are much more scandalous, and your support is always greatly appreciated. Go take a look and enjoy this writers return...

To purchase VOLO, please visit:
http://www.zinio.com/www/browse/issue.jsp?skuId=416259902&pss=1

Cupid On a Budget

I have never seen this before and maybe it’s because for the longest time I was on the opposing team. Unfortunately, Team Single is not much of a team at all; look around you, you’re ass is alone. Thank you Kevin Hart for that one. Naturally, while the celebratory team celebrates Cupid’s big day, I find myself with a little extra time on my hands to simply observe. During my observations, I came across something unexpected. Team Single seems to think Valentine’s Day is Single’s Awareness Day and make it a point to make it known. Take a deep breath Team Single; everyday is Single’s Awareness Day where social media targets your relationship status on a daily basis. You’re not fooling anyone.  

Now the men on my team seem to have lost sight of what it means to be an eligible bachelor. You know the kind that meets the eye with full potential yet remains simply unavailable for every other reason besides his relationship status. So I beg to ask why my male teammates continue to promote full financial success 364 days of the year with the exception of 1 day, Valentine’s Day. As I cock my head from side to side with a look of confusion, I read “I just saved a bunch of money this Valentine’s Day by staying single.” You know that moment when someone claps after a poorly executed joke to save face? My reaction exactly. Now don’t think this is targeting you, or you, or even you. Exactly my point, you are not the only one posting this content. It seems this year savings accounts just reached a new high, yet while I applaud your ability to be financially focused, I remain thoroughly unimpressed.

Oh I get it, Valentine’s Day is a bit overrated right? Sure, but that one woman who has been by your side could really have used a day to indulge in opportunistic holiday. Keyword: Sideline. “roses are red, violets are blue, if that man is busy on Valentine’s day, than the side chick is you.” Or financially strategizing, either work.  Fellas indulge in the sanctity in being single because I’m going to help you rid yourself of a sideline, sounds like you can’t afford it.

The Cowards Way Out

It was just a few months ago when I found myself in the arms of a man I knew my mama would be damn proud of. You see, I didn’t even know much about him but she didn’t have to, all she needed to know was he was Jewish. Now if you know me personally, relax, that was just a phase. No sooner had I begun telling my mother about this individual, he disappeared. I’m not talking about the classic fade out, that is next on my list. I am talking about a man who walked out of my life and never looked back without notice. Okay, I know what you’re thinking, something is wrong with the individual we have been taking relationship advice from for one year. Not the case, give me a little bit of credit. It was simply meeting someone who I thought was a man and turned out to be nothing more than a coward. Now this is one way to get out of a filled Valentine’s day agenda, however I don’t recommend it if you want to avoid your lack in dating etiquette to be my next featured post.

The Fade Out

The fade out is my least favorite way in which people disconnect yet it remains so incredibly common. So exactly what is a fade out? A fade out is exactly, what it sounds like. Two individuals are talking, dating, in an unlabelled relationship, yet overtime, you find yourself thinking, “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from him.” With good faith, you dismiss your suspicions, go about your day and continue on. Unfortunately, it’s now been two weeks and the only verbal exchanges the two of you have had consist of “Good Morning,” and “K.” First of all, we knew something was up with the “K.” text message. Ladies, this is nothing short of a fade out. It’s most often used because it is much to easy to avoid confrontation. While you execute the fade out perfectly, the person on the other line is left hanging on the other line asking herself, “where did it go wrong? Was it something I did?” With mixed message, unpredictable visits, and an occasional time in bed you have mastered a complicated relationship with someone you no longer wanted by your side yet you just can’t seem to get her to leave your house in the morning.

Keep It 100%

I went an entire year where I swear every other sentence had me demanding others to “keep it 100” with a ratchet clap following closely behind. For whatever reason, your sideline is not the one you wish to spend your February 14^th with and you have now less than twenty hours to get rid of her. We lie and omit to others because we wish to avoid hurting others but I beg you, “keep it 100.” Choose the way in which you wish to deliver the information, but deliver it clearly. Say what you need to say and welcome honesty. Allow her to have some control in the situation by allowing her to initiate whether or not she wants to be in your life, if maintaining a friendship is what you intend. You are now able to walk away from the situation knowing you communicated appropriately and were honest with both your partner and yourself. Okay, maybe it’s not that serious to you, after all, she was just a side chick to you but I’m going to help you out and teach you a little Swag Etiquette. With proper etiquette, you may have just prevented an overflowed inbox with only her name listed or a blog blast on Swag Etiquette. You might be surprised how many of your girls ask me to feature you in my blog. I’m just kidding, I’m sure I’ll find a place for you somewhere in here.

Lesson: Your phone is filled with text blasts, IG shout outs, and witty Facebook remarks all at Cupid’s expense. Happy Valentine’s Day. Happy Single’s Awareness Day. Happy Cupid Keeps Fucking Up Day. As you slowly awake, you look around and are reminded your bank account remains untouched and no unnatural expectations are placed on you on this vary day. Congratulations in your success, I suggest you celebrate, but look around Team Single, where’s your team?

A Catch-22

I can’t win. Feels like it anyway. I use to be good at this sort of thing. You know, dating, relationships, swag etiquette. A year later I find myself more lost than ever and with the inability to translate lessons learned as a single woman. It’s sort of a funny thing, you know, giving advice on Swag Etiquette where readers respond with restored faith, a good laugh, and praises for articles that grant a new perspective on the topic of relationships. So why can’t I still figure it out?

There’s a reason why so many men and women hate “dating.” I am not talking about dating the way I did in 2012 where the goal was to survive a date filled with interview questions, awkward silences, and a lack in chemistry. No, not looking for love was actually quite easy. It's looking for love that brings me to today’s post. And this is where you think out loud “you can’t look for love, it comes to you.” I said the same once but the reality is “dating” is called “the dating game” for a reason and if you don’t play it right, you find yourself where I am, in a catch-22.

I find myself torn between two personalities. Hear me out, don’t 51/50 me just yet. I have lost some faith. I was once told I was responsible for ruining someone’s life when I spoke up and ended a relationship that was no longer moving forward. I was called too sensitive and weak when an emotionally abusive boyfriend criticized my every move and every thought. I was told 2 years of being in a relationship with me was a waste of time because we were just too different. I was told I was an amazing woman who had so much to offer yet I was never his first choice. Just like so many of you I have lost faith and have “Fuck You” stamped right across my forehead. I’ve become cynical, indifferent, temperamental, and quite honestly, a pessimist. And let’s just say, Cupid, you are not the homie.

Now try and date this type of woman. I mean how could you? She’s cold, indifferent to your romance, and asks you to leave after your fifteen minutes of fame in the bedroom are up. I became that woman.

Than there’s another side. The hopeless romantic. The one that despite it all, the heartbreaks, the cruelty, the naysayers to love, I still believe in it. it’s ironic based on my track record, but I remember the relationships I had. The beautiful moments that went with it. Sure they did have their problems and there was no happily ever after but they existed and I have to believe there can be something like it again. I find myself talking to God, briefly, but praying nonetheless that this guy will be the one. I write these posts, hoping to restore your faith. I send him text messages with “I Miss You” and sincere hopes in completing that List we created during a moment I believed it was possible.

Now try and date this type of woman. I mean how could you? She’s too welcoming. The kind of woman who would stick by you through it all. The woman who genuinely wants to know how your day was. The woman who knows despite her inability to cook a meal, she will make the effort to learn for you. The woman who carefully slips into lingerie and an outfit to ensure that it remains a surprise till the very end. You try rocking a G-string for 8 hours. Yet this woman is unnoticed and you tell her she’s amazing but than never hears from you again. She’s too easy. There’s no chase. What do you get out of it when so many others are willing to play the game? I became that woman.

So there’s a catch-22, “a situation in which a desired outcome is impossible to attain because of a set of inherently illogical rules or conditions” (Webster, 2011). I can’t be both of these women and win the impossible, it’s simply illogical and leaves room for error and that’s the catch that we all suffer from. The error in the dating game.

Ladies, you played the role of the hopeless romantic and he walked away. You played the role of the “Bitch” and you must admit it was fun while it lasted but he walked away. Than you tried playing both, you tried what I do. You tried to keep your guard up, tried to prevent him from letting you see that hopeless romantic because after all, we are told the hopeless romantic is unfitting, exhausting, and unwanted. But we’re women who truly are looking for something different this year, something close to a fairy tale with realistic inner lining of course so we let our guard down. We begin to let someone in but we’re only human and find ourselves fluctuating between two identities. He calls you on it. He highlights your inconsistencies and reminds you of your mixed messages. Now you’re caught and you don’t know how to win because this is a catch-22, a desired outcome in finding love in an impossible set of rules where we women are expected to master a fine line between the hopeless romantic and the bitch who requires a chase.

Lesson: As a pessimist, I don’t have a lesson here; I am just as lost as you and caught in this catch-22 but somehow I keep playing. I don’t know if I will ever win this game, but I know this, I wont ever stop playing to win and that I say proudly as the hopeless romantic.

How to Survive a Breakup

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I began the year of 2012 as a new single woman in her twenties. Now I must admit, the breakup did not come as a shock based on two individuals unable to move forward without fighting words. Despite my breakup, I was applauded on my newfound lifestyle viewed by the masses as a result of social media. Social media is a funny thing. Everyone’s’ lives seem so perfect through quickly updated statuses, nightlife uploads, and creatively stated check ins. Ironically it is social media that has been responsible for plenty of the drama we all wish to hide. You remember that photo at the club you uploaded while your man was working graveyard? Yea, he was pissed. Remember that Instagram photo you posted when your girl was home sick? Yea, she was pissed. And don’t you remember that ambiguous status you wrote after a miscommunication through text, because no one seems to believe in phone calls? Yea, pissed and your hashtags in a text didn’t help. Guilty. You are now single, aren’t you?

I know a lot of people who became engaged this year. No, seriously, two weeks ago I knew eighteen engagement rings and marriage licenses were handed out. Today I know twenty-three. Right?! Among the constant congratulatory posts and perfectly filtered engagement ring photos, it was messages from individuals asking me for one piece of advice that stood out. “How did you survive your breakup?” Through their eyes, it seemed like I had it all figured out.  

To help you through this post I am going to ask you, my readers, to do a few things. Get comfortable in your seat, this may take a minute. Grab a glass of wine, it adds to the ambiance. Listen to my story, gain perspective.

In 2007 I ended a four-year relationship with someone who was perfectly imperfect. I find it funny when people applaud the divorcee while attacking the divorcer. Breaking someone’s heart that was still in yours is no easy task. Than try living with them for six months post breakup as a result of a signed lease and two low-income students without a plan. It is not to your benefit or to mine to explain my reasoning behind our break, however, the aftermath is what I wish to highlight. Post breakup, I was approached numerous times by all walks of life: his friends, my best friends, my own mother, explaining what a mistake I made. Everyone had an opinion. His friends called me slut, whore, bitch, and every critique imaginable. Other friends informed me I was responsible for ruining someone’s life and was responsible for his leave to the military. In six months, a lease was broken and I found myself homeless, spending the night on couches for a nine-month period.

And to think you thought I had it all together? The year after my breakup was one of the harder years and you better believe cupid was on my shit list. There was no room for me to “lose it” after my breakup and with that I learned valuable lessons related to this topic. I promise, it does get easier, it just takes trial and error. You asked how I survive breakups. I am no expert but based on my experiences, I can provide you with what I have come to know through five identified steps in How to Survive a Breakup. I apologize in advance to my male readers; unfortunately, this is a lesson for the young women in “survival” because it is not my place to speak for you. However, stick with me on this one, you may gain perspective.

Step One: The “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Breakup

Ladies, you’ve just been dumped. Like literally, he broke up with you on the phone while you were driving on the Highway 5 during commute traffic. I know, I know, it’s said to be mutual. In fact, you had your whole speech prepared for that evening when you were going to announce to him “we need to talk, it’s over.” Naturally, it didn’t go as planned and no sooner had you hung up the phone and logged onto Facebook to find “Kaitlin is now single.” Thank you Facebook for that notification and the ex for the news, I was not aware. Numerous calls and texts begin streaming in with questions and concerns for a newly updated relationship status. So what do I do? Exactly what you should not do. Post on Facebook. Please excuse my language, I was recently an Angry Single Woman caught in LA traffic. The post: “Bitch ass [men] making bitch ass moves.”  Not my best moment.

Lesson 1: When you have just heard “it’s not you, it’s me” or “this isn’t working” or any other classic form of a breakup, do not post any form of social media for at least 24 hours. You know what, multiply that number too as high as you think you need. Unless you look real good, I’ll let that slide. Read Swag Etiquette. Resume. The Angry Single Woman routine is important, but let’s go a different route.

Step Two: The Angry Single Woman

Someone recently asked me if I was the Angry Single Woman in which I refer to in Swag Etiquette. I take pride when I share that those posts are actually not about me but rather what I have observed. I know, hard to believe when you see me take full advantage of the ratchet clap and hashtag #BAN in my posts. However, how could I end 2012 without some admittance to my Angry Single Woman ways? You know, those nonconventional actions you take fresh out of a breakup? Some burn houses. Some slash tires. Some key cars. Most certainly not my style, after all, three of my four exes never owned a car and they often were in my house. However, I am guilty. Guilty of those ambiguous Facebook statuses as previously reported. I am guilty of pulling a Katy Perry ‘I Kissed a Girl’ moment at Tru and consumed unlimited Tequila when my limit was at three when you arrived hand in hand with a woman after you just told me you loved me. I am guilty of excess ratchet claps, head nods, and Z-snaps at the least opportune times, most often after those infamous LA dates. I am guilty simply of being a woman who has been hurt.

Lesson 2: Anger is often a result of frustration and sadness. We find ourselves frustrated in that he cannot see what we have to offer. We experience sadness when we realize he has no interest in it at all. So often we are criticized when we show any emotion. Express your anger, seriously, do it. However, do it legally. Do it safely. Do it where he cannot be witness. It is funny how people hold on and judge our less than lady-like actions yet they forget how well we performed in previous cases. Don’t give him reason to believe his decision to leave you was the smartest decision he ever made.

Step Three: Officially Missing You 

Remember when I said I might provide unconventional tips? Yea, this is one of those. Rebound. I had a damn good-looking man in my home the night of my breakup and took full advantage. I told you I was an opportunist. Stop right there, go to my post, “How to Have Sex Like a Man.” If you are unable to pull this off, a rebound is not for you. Trust me, I have been witness to this.

Still, rebound or not, you may find yourself visiting his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin, WTF is Linkedin? and every social media outlet in between. Over and over and over. Ladies, this will be the hardest yet most rewarding advice I have to give. Cut him off completely. No, seriously, for the time being, let him go. I never understood the power behind, “out of sight, out of mind” until my experience with an emotionally abusive ex whom I could not let go. I understood why we broke up, that I got; in fact, I was the one who did it. However, each text I received from him during my text history review, I still smiled. Each photo update with his new girlfriend, I cried. She was not even that cute. Each possibility of running into him, I spent an extra hour getting ready. I get it; you fear cutting him off will look childish. By “defriending” or “unfollowing” you show that his name bothers you and it’s true, you may be viewed that way. However, this is you time, it does not matter what he thinks because you no longer are his priority. Ladies I beg you right now, take this action if you are going through it. I’ll wait. You remember my post “Angry Single Women: The Text Delete?” Refer to that post (4/2/2012). You know how easy it is to find his number in your message history. I beg you delete it. I promise you wont have an emergency where you will need to contact him anytime soon. This will be your best bet if those Tequila shots are catching up with you and you have the urge to drunken text.

Lesson 3: It is natural to miss someone you were involved with at such an intimate level and it’s funny how you now have become just someone he use to know. You see what I did there? Miss him, it’s okay but remove him from your memory in any way possible for a period of time. It’s no longer a relationship, this is about you so why is he still present in your daily routine?

Step Four: Healing

So you physically survived a breakup. You even avoided incarceration because you decided vandalizing his material items was not the way to go. Most importantly, you were able to remove yourself from all forms of contact with him. So why does it hurt so badly still? Ladies, you may have survived the physical part of a breakup but the emotional part is what gets us in trouble. There are not enough pages to fill on how to heal after a breakup, everyone is different, and so I will simply explain what has helped me in the past.

Cry: Ladies, I know when those independent women songs come on; you raise your hand up high and recite the lyrics with not one mistake. The reality is it’s okay to be sad. Let yourself cry. I know, it seems like it will never stop once you begin but I promise you it will. Give yourself that. Let go of the scrutiny and criticisms we women are victim to when showing emotions. This is not about them, it’s about you.

Emotional Support: Take advantage of emotional support. I am not talking about venting through Facebook. I will give you one free pass on that but anymore you find your posts flooded with advice you never asked for. Ain't nobody got time for that. Reach out to those who you know have your best interest at heart. One of my girls is the best at understanding me when my eyes are filled with tears, dry heaving is in full effect and I am unable to speak a clear sentence. We call that the Ugly Girl Cry. I have another girl who is perfect when I need to take full advantage of slang, Z-snaps, and “mHmmm, yes he did!” act. My mother is excellent at keeping me on track and reminding me of my full potential as an educated and intelligent woman who should have been looking for a Jewish husband in the first place. Not exactly what I was going for but I’ll take it. My foster mom is the one that tells me everything I needed to hear and more reminding me not to take the breakup so personal. I always do.

Coping Skills: All of us have an outlet and a way we cope with life stressors we experience on a day-to-day basis. Some make use of the gym. I have been to the gym at most five times in my life. I go a different route. Music is the most powerful outlet for emotions for me personally. When I am evoking that Angry Single Woman inside, you better believe I have explicit rap at max volume that drowns out my misinterpreted lyrics. Other times, I write. I free write. I quote. I start a blog. How else do you think this began? The man I was crazy about told me everything I wanted to hear but his actions said otherwise. It was Valentine’s Day and I never heard from him besides a generalized text “Happy V-day KK.” Apparently it took to much effort to spell out my name and the holiday present. With one bottle of wine, a few good stories, and the ability to write quite well intoxicated, I began Swag Etiquette. Find your outlet.

Lesson 4: There will be better times after a hard breakup, I promise. However, there comes a point when it’s up to you to take that first step and begin to heal in the ways in which you have identified as most suitable for your well being.

Step Five: Moving On

Ladies and Gentlemen: this is where Swag Etiquette comes into play. A breakup is not easy, non-compliant one’s at least. Move forward. Move forward in advancing your education or employment. Tend to things that have been on your to do list for far too long. Begin to date .I spent 2012 dating all walks of life and although it is apparent many did not work out, it is about the experience. Fellas, we are looking, I promise. We come across as Angry Single Women sometimes, ill admit. However, many of us, resolution to “Stay Single for a Year” or not are not blind to a man who can contribute to a change of heart. We just require a man with proper etiquette, swag or not.

Final Lesson:  We all have been there, or at least I am assuming you have based on the fact you are reading this post. It is no surprise breakups are heartbreaking and I am flattered some of you have reached out to me to ask for my advice or simply for me to listen. I was happy to. Trust me, it does get easier but it sure might require you to over come the challenges mentioned above. I do apologize in advance, you may date some of the worst in LA as I have, but think, you just might meet one of the best. I wish you well.