The Clubber That Hates Clubbing

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If you know me personally, you know that I am a nightlife connoisseur. Beginning at age 18 I began working in the nightclub industry as a GOGO dancer, a cocktail waitress, a host, a promoter and of course the one who rejected the popular line, “I swear I am on the guest list, look again” woman. When I moved to Los Angeles, I still had people from the Bay Area asking me to put them on the guest list or advice in where to take their guests on a Friday night. Within one month that I moved to Los Angeles, I had people contacting me for LA hot spots and guest list info. I didn’t even work in a nightclub in Los Angeles when this was happening.

You see, what I have come to realize, is that I am no longer that person. I use to be and in turn that is where I met many of the men I was dating here in Los Angeles. Now I know what you are thinking, “this is why you are single! You can’t meet men in the nightclub!” I hate that comment, why not? I am a firm believer in that you can meet men and women anywhere. I will take this even one step further; I bet you can meet good men in a strip club too. Trust me, I did it. Both men and women want to go out at night. Makes sense. Some select the bar, others select a nightclub, and too many select the strip club. It is never fair of us to say their intensions are bad, I would hate to meet a man who failed to step out of his house once in a while. Oh that’s right, I wouldn’t.

So, now we have a problem in that I titled this post, “the clubber that hates clubbing” with material that supports meeting someone in the nightlife scene. Yea, I would like to modify my viewpoints in that it is imperative which nightlife locations you select. If there is one thing you are to take away from Swag Etiquette, it is this. Cross off Hollywood nightlife as your location to meet someone in LA and here is why:

It was Thursday night when I decided to step out to the Hollywood club scene and it was that same Thursday that I told myself “what the fuck is wrong with people!?” Sorry readers, there was no way I could filter that remark. As I walked up Hollywood boulevard to Blok nightclub I realized the importance in carrying around hand sanitizer because apparently handholding is the new go to line. Please don’t touch me, I don’t have health insurance. As I approached my destination, I noticed a long line wrapping around the corner that would later turn into a reminder of what it is like to enter a dog shelter. I can’t hear myself think with you barking“where you comin?!” You see where I am going, it’s inside. Being no stranger to the scene, I knew this line would only be temporary and I would soon be safe from adopting an unwanted pet due to pity. I approached the front of the line and questioned security, which was the guest list line in the most charming and genuine fashion. I wasn’t on the guest list. Ladies, this is what you always do so security has the chance to scan you and hold open the ropes if approved. Ladies, as a side note, always respect security and make use of the charm you have if you have any hopes in getting in quickly. I walked right inside only to remind myself that I was one hour too early because LA nightlife firmly believes in starting on a Friday morning for a Thursday night event. A group of promoters approached my girls and I to sit at the tables using the classic line, “come join us at the table. Don’t worry, our bottles are coming.” And you wonder why “The Thirst is Real,” women are opportunists.

As we sat at the table, the bottles failed to appear and multiple men approached me encouraging me to remain seated, the bottles were coming. It was at that point I reassured them I was not drinking that evening and made an effort to spark up the conversation. This is the worst part of trying to meet men in a nightclub; their conversational skills are beyond lacking in that they feel the need to stand up on the couch holding a bottle of cheap champagne as they wait for the cheaper hard liquor. As more than three conversations failed, I sat back and observed those that remained seated on their cell phones. This is the highlight of the night. When the bottles did arrive, the promoter pours less than an ounce of Vodka, a splash of cranberry and two ice cubes. Now being a promoter in the past let me remind you that these bottles are comped used to bring in guests. Unfortunately these promoters fail to impress and continue to criticize women of the thirst while I now criticize you for being unimpressive. Come on guys, you simply add more juice and ice with a garnish in order to be perceived a good host while you have enough liquor to supply. Get it together!

Filled with boredom, I did my round. I refer to “my rounds” as a nightclub tradition in that throughout the night I literally make my round as if I am searching for someone I know. I don’t know anyone, I always come alone and I will explain my reasons for that in another post. If I do come with guests, they are often at the table we are seated at or by my side. They are never lost. These rounds provide you the opportunity to see who else is in desperate need of company. I refer to those people as “the loners.” Unfortunately, the loners played it smart and stayed in that Thursday night leaving me flooded with the “wrist grabbers,” the “mean muggers,” the “female pushers,” and poorly executed lines and hand holds as they drop their drink down your thigh and shoes. My favorite was the guys that demanded I come up to their table after having a friend scan and request my approach. Bitch please, you can walk up to me and introduce yourself like a grown man. I was prepared for challenges in the dating scene where men fail to remember the importance in opening doors, a telephone call, and an intellectual conversation but I was not prepared to shout out “at your service sir” based on a request.

Two hours in and I was done. As I said my goodbyes, I anxiously rushed up the stairs only to look back and take in the scene once more.  While the majority of the women crowded the tables that would become unrecognizable in the morning, the men continued to decorate their booths with effortless posture with a cell phone in one hand and a bottle in the other. Officially unimpressed, I shook my head and made my exit. Walking back to my car I had the pleasure of walking down the darker side of the street so cars passing by would see me as unrecognizable and keep it moving. Unfortunately, a G37 circled twice only to park in a red zone and rush up to me. Now I will admit I gave him the time of day because I am an admirer of the G37. Okay, and the poor guy made use of refreshing conversation with a few good compliments thrown in. However, he was most certain not for me and kept it moving after a five minute conversation on comparing car stats, I did not walk out with one number that night.

Lesson: I hate to be that individual that informs her readers of the bad, the really bad, and the impossible. Unfortunately, when it comes to Hollywood, I can’t help but enlighten my readers in that maybe it is in fact not the best place to meet an individual you are in hopes of seeing the following morning. Based on what you are looking for, modify your search to a more fitting nightlife placement but always search where the glass the man is holding has been paid for with honest work and the approach will not require hand sanitizer or therapy.

Call Failed

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We have a situation readers, a very serious situation. So serious this post just couldn’t wait for its Sunday debut. Told you I would be back. I want you readers to take a minute. Pause for half a second because that is all you need. Now ask yourself, “Where is my cell phone?” That didn’t take you long, did it? In fact, I strongly have a feeling you were contemplating sending that text out or refreshing your Instagram as you clicked on this blog post. I am not going to lie, I am texting right now. Okay, but I have an excuse right? My girlfriend just had a great night with a new man she is seeing and let’s just say she is providing blog worthy material.

It is amazing how connected we are to our cell phones. So connected that we fail to forget who we are on a date or in a relationship with.  I mean honestly, my observations of cell phone usage on dates have led me to this vary blog post and begging for your attention. Readers, many of you and your partners are in serious need of a blog intervention and this is where it begins.

Remember that month I disappeared for a little while? Well you see I'm going to just say that was an educational experience because I was seeing someone who was clearly seeing someone else. By someone else I mean a cell phone and the man had two phones for reasons I still do not understand. This man is the individual that led me to shout, “I will not tolerate a cell phone in the bedroom!” But let me rewind. Lets discuss first date etiquette and cell phone usage.

I went to the Grove a while ago with my girlfriends at a beautiful restaurant in the center of all the action. That time of night when candles are lit, the warm breeze of LA smog screens through you, and the smells of perfectly cooked herbs consume your senses. Again, just kidding, if you know me, you know I can’t smell. This was perfect and worked to my advantage. While others were preoccupied by such beautiful distractions, I was occupied by a horrible disaster. Now I know this was a first date because I in fact saw the first engagement, the awkward hug, and the sit down. This is the first time a red flag was raised and I knew a blog on cell phone usage would be needed. Now I have to ask and beg for an explanation, who in the world thinks it is okay to bring an Ipad also known as an overly large cell phone to a dinner date? I know what you might be asking yourself, “perhaps this was a business meeting?” Yea, I don’t know about you but I have never shared a dessert with a business partner in this type of setting while I play on my overly large cell phone and my “business partner” spend the evening with what now looks like technology for ants. Now this date could have been saved believe it or not by using this technology to his advantage. Perhaps showing his date images of a recent trip could have made him seem a lot more interesting than what his appearance made him out to be. Or perhaps using his overgrown Iphone to look up funny stories, promote engagement and laugher breaking the tension on this unfortunate date. Whatever the case is, it was the worst-case scenario for technology on a date. Cheers to romance tech users at The Grove, I can’t wait to see how the next date goes. Oh that’s right, there wont be one.

I was recently on a dinner date with a man friend; I guess that’s what we call the man you’re currently seeing without the title.  Now next to us was what looked like a first date because honestly if what I saw was a relationship, I’d have some serious concerns for the romance department. I’m just playin’, we are way past that point. The woman looked beautiful and clearly took longer than the fifteen minutes I had taken that night to get ready. Now the man could use some style suggestions, I’ll admit, but we are going to let that slide because he was guilty of a much more heinous crime. On this disaster date, the man made minimal eye contact, chewed on a toothpick and spent the entire night focused on his cell phone. My date and I observed the girl holding her head up high, no cell phone in sight and tried to make the best of the situation. The woman looked around and smiled at passing waiters in between sighs of disappointment. What felt like an over extended outing on a Sunday night, the observed disaster date finally came to a close reminding me how lucky I was to be on a date where he did not take out his cell phone once.

So now we see why bringing a cell phone on a date quite possibly rules you out for a second date. Now imagine turning a blind eye and actually dating this individual. First let me clarify, the man I am about to mention was nothing close to a boyfriend but rather a few dates and a damn good time, when the cell phone was put away. Now the first few dates with this individual were perfectly executed, beautiful in fact they he led me to consider someone who was not exactly fitting to my ideal man. However, slowly he began to introduce me not to his friends nor family but his significant other. By significant other I mean the cell phone that failed to leave his side. If we were eating, it was dining with us. If we were watching a movie, legally downloaded of course, it was viewing with us. If we were in conversation, it was listening as was the constantly refreshed apps. If only it stopped there. You see, not only did I seem to be dating someone who was dating his cell phone, I was also dating the women in his phone. I was voluntarily introduced to ex-girlfriend chats and photos, current “female friend” forwarded e-cards and selected emojis and lets not forget his favorite Instagram uploads. Now I applaud his efforts in using his significant other as a way to engage with me, but honestly, once we had sex I’d like to think we didn’t need the crutch of a cell phone to promote conversation. Ladies and gentlemen, it doesn’t stop there. Here is where I want you to take a deep breath and prepare for the Z-snap because If it was possible, he would have been on that phone during foreplay and everything beyond if he could have it his way. Pre and post play, texts were sent, apps were refreshed, tweets were tweeted and new photos were uploaded. We no longer follow each other or exchange texts, we decided it was better to be disconnected.

Lesson: I see this all the time. I see individuals walking side by side but no longer walking hand and hand. No longer is conversational engagement put into practice but rather had over a social media site or with an individual who could not make it to the date. The use of a cell phone is often said to be a crutch, after all, it is something we have become so familiar with. Others believe the cell phone addiction is simply based on just that, an addiction and habit. Whatever the case is, these actions are a sure way to reveal that you have no intention to engage in live and in color with the individual who took time out of their busy schedule to see you in hopes of going beyond the text message, the follow, the “added friend” or “The New Match.” I can’t help but shake my head and laugh every time I see it knowing what the beauty in small social interactions is all about. The things you catch while engaging with an individual face to face are necessary in a connection beyond the “LOLs,” the “Wyd?” and perfectly selected e-cards and emoticons. I beg you all, put your cell phone down and disconnect from the outside world for just one moment so you can see what is in front of you.