How to Have Sex Like a Man

I apologize to my “politically correct” readers for this is one post that is going to indulge and thrive on gender stereotypes. Clearly, not every man has sex in the ways I am about reveal. I apologize to those who view sex as a sacred act that should only occur between two people who are married. I respect your views, however, this post is not for you. Lastly, I wish to raise caution. The following post may be seemingly cruel and harsh.  Let me raise awareness, I once told you, “take this blog lightly but with some consideration” and enjoy the first post about sex in Swag Etiquette, it’s been long overdue.

There is often a big debate as to whether or not women are capable of having sex like men. Women are claimed to become obsessive, attached, and filled with desperation once they embark on what is believed to be “casual sex.” Sure, the act is physically more personal in ways that I need not to describe in this post. And sure, once a woman has sex, it is said that endorphins are released producing feelings of euphoria, relaxation, and positive well being. As a result, often times, creating a greater sense of attachment to one’s partner post sex. And that’s where we fuck up.

Casual Sex: A sexual act that involves two people, or more, who have no intention of ever committing to any type of exclusive relationship with each other. Many indulge in this act to eliminate many stressful factors that may accompany a committed relationship such as: jealousy, mind games, marriage, accountability of daily actions/wherabouts, lack of quailty and/or frequency in sexual activity, boredom, and many more I'm sure (Urban Dictionary, 2012).

The idea is genius, however, often times poorly executed. Ladies and gentlemen, as forewarning, one must prepare for the repercussions when embarking on the seemingly harmless act. You see, it is imperative to understand that you may never hear from this person again. There may be no breakfast in the morning. There may be no romantic dates to follow. There may be a call. However, don’t be surprised if that call questions one or two things: When and where. Casual sex, a genius idea but only when it is done right.

Now I am not saying I have done this, but I am not saying I haven’t. Lets just say, I can assure you, there is no doubt in my mind, women can have sex just like men and this is how it’s done:

How to Have Sex Like a Man

1.     Mental Prep: Understand that this is casual sex. If you are able to understand that there may never be a finished orgasm, a call back, a relationship, and that this is simply for pleasure, you can move on to step two.

2.     On My Call: You are not my investment and therefore I call the shots. I tell you where. I tell you when. I tell you how.

3.     Unfinished Business: Now sure, it may be cruel and therefore I don’t always suggest this. Despite the act being casual, it is still very intimate and therefore both partners should be respected. In other words, both should work towards “a common goal.” However, this is Swag Etiquette and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that things don’t always go as planned. After all, I didn’t plan on your desire to bond through spoken word past one hour nor did I plan on your sexual insecurities leaving you in my home for two extra hours. So, forgive me, I’m going to rush things a little bit, tell you how, and reach my goal because I have unfinished business to attend.

4.     The Finale. There is no cuddling, there is no dreaming, and there is no planning. There is simply a smile, a thank you and a goodbye. Don’t forget to lock the door on your way out.

5.     Post Act: This is where rules have a tendency to be broken. You see, casual sex is not just defined as “a sexual act that involves two people who have no intention of ever committing to any type of exclusive relationship with each other.” It included, “many indulge in this act to eliminate many stressful factors that may accompany a committed relationship.” So I beg to question, why are upset when I tell you I don’t have time to hang out? Why do you assume I would be seen with you at a public event hand in hand? Why do you voice jealousy when you see me with someone else? Why do you refuse to stop calling when your calls go unanswered? After all, we had a deal.

Lesson: Cruel, at times, yes. Casual sex is seemingly ideal but not for everyone. It takes a certain mind set, certain precautions, and most certainly a person who is able to understand the rules. So what is the over all message? Women are just as capable as men of having casual sex, after all, you men taught us so well.

"High" Expectations

It was about a month ago when a good friend of mine posted in her Facebook status “I just want a man who is able to spell.” Naturally, she received a vast amount of likes and good commentary. The status was simple, straight to the point, and could not be truer. Let me prepare you, this is not a post about men who can spell. If you receive text messages from me, you are well aware I am not the one who should be passing judgment on spell tactics. I blame autocorrect. This is a post about expectations; it is you to determine where you stand.

Growing up in the era of Disney, we create the ideal image of a partner. As we get older, we come to realize our high expectations are out of range and we compromise. After all, who rides large white horses in downtown Los Angeles? Could you imagine if a man picked you up on a magic carpet? Don’t even get me started on all the princes with “pets” that talk. In all honesty, I was happy to compromise. Unfortunately, I compromised a bit too much and my expectations became a bit too low expectations.

It was around August when I approached my roommate informing her how I had an epiphany. I was through with casual dating. Dates on drugs, the players, and the needy just weren’t doing it for me. I now expectations, high one's at that! I approached her and embarrassingly stated “I have the most ridiculous fantasy and know this could never happen but I have this image of spending just one Sunday in bed with someone the entire day. We’ll eat amazing food, have amazing sex, and not have to answer one call or text!” She looked at me as if I had just lost my mind. She reminded me just how realistic this was. It was at that point that it hit me; I truly had lowered my standards to unrealistic proportions.

The end of 2012 is quickly approaching and therefore my 2012 resolution of remaining single is due to expire. I find it only fitting that you take part in this exercise with me and write down your expectations for what you are looking for in a partner. I am serious, stop what you’re doing and grab a piece of paper and pen. Oh that’s right, modern era, grab your phone, open “Notes” and start typing. Here are some of my "high" expectations required when dating. 

Top 10 Expectations: Dating

1.     Education - College Graduate: It is not about what he majored in nor is it about his promising employment stipends. A college education makes the top of my list because of the respect I have for an individual who spent four or more years working towards a goal that only he is in control of and succeeds it.

2.     Employment – Full Time: We are adults. If I can manage 2 to 3 jobs and excel in a master’s program full time than I expect you to be employed. I can’t take care of the both of us.

3.     Transportation: I hear women complain when a man doesn’t drive exactly what you might see in a rap video. Now of course, I won’t lie, when I was picked up in a 2012 5 series fresh off the lot for a first date, I didn’t exactly complain. However, I am also from the real world and understand that everyone has his or her own agenda and ways in which they spend. Have a way to get from point A to point B safely and i'll be your girl. My ex taught me well. A man who uses your gas tank, scrapes your rims, and charges your FasTrak while you’re out of town is not ideal and therefore has made it to my top 10 high expectations list.

4.     No Children: This one is by far one of the more challenging expectations given that in one’s mid twenties, so many have kids. No, seriously, I buy baby clothes in bulk knowing two baby showers will follow the initial one. I simply have this expectation as a priority on my list because for one, have you experienced baby mama drama? Secondly, I simply wish to share the experience of having a first child with someone together.

5.     Must Love Dogs: I mentioned that some expectations might come across a bit ridiculous. Well this is mine.

6.     Good Humor: We all have personality traits we look for, mine is good humor. If you have met me personally, you understand I am not exactly introverted. I just need a man who can keep up.

7.     Open Minded: I was getting fairly serious with someone, so serious that it came to a point where I began debating if my 2012 resolution would stay in tact. Finally, I decided to take it upon myself and ask him “what are your values?” It turns out we were complete opposites. So opposite that compromise was not an option.

8.     Religious Ambiguity: Religion has been one of the more challenging expectations for me in that it has limited a lot of great “options.” I come from a background where my mother is Jewish, my foster mom is Pagan, and my biological father is Christian. First of all, do you understand what mixed messages a child get from that? I am not here to identify where I stand, however, I find it a challenge in being involved with any man who is 100% one sided. I respect your values and where you stand but don’t expect me to raise my child from only one perspective.

9.     Crew Love: I have a life and the reality is I need you to have one too. More importantly, you surrounding yourself with good people really can impact the way you are viewed.

10. Good Sex. No, seriously. No compromise.

Lesson: My top ten expectations may be incredibly different from yours, as they should be. Some may be ridiculous while others may be very sincere. However, what is more important is what you do with them. Let these expectations take precedence in your future dating endeavors because without them, you are simply wasting your time.

Location, Location

If you have ever watched Sex and the City, you may be familiar with Charlotte’s famous quote, “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen, I’m exhausted. Where is he?” Charlotte had a good point in that finding men, good men, is not always the easiest thing to do. In fact, more often than not it becomes discouraging and frustrating. Now I am not saying we don’t hear this same frustration out of men, but more often than not, it is women who approach me and ask “where do you meet men?” Now I know what you’re thinking, based on this blog you wouldn’t want to meet any of the individuals mentioned here, however, it is important to remember that some of the individuals are not guilty of a lack in Swag Etiquette and therefore not featured in this blog. Now I am not saying these meet and greets were a success, however, single men and women are out there but it is up to you to be open minded, expose yourself to new scenes, and take advantage of an opportunity. Although not your most traditional venues, here is a list of twenty places I have met men in 2012.

1. Facebook: Let me get this one out of the way. I am aware this is not exactly putting myself “out there” but the reality is it’s one way to skip the introduction and the awkward “tell me about yourself” given that it’s already been viewed, saved, and noted. 

2. Broadway Bar - Los Angeles, CA: Surprise, who knew you could meet two great men at a bar nearly three blocks from Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles?

3. Tru Nightclub - Hollywood, CA: My date from Tru was the one who did Cocaine on our first date. The other individual I met here continued to contact me 6 months after he never heard from me. I don’t recommend it.

4. Your Coffee Cups – Fremont, CA: It is a bit unorthodox being that this is not your average coffee shop, however, the men who come here are honest workers and most of the younger ones are attending colleges in surrounding areas.

 5. Kabuki Sushi – Hollywood, CA: I saw a lot of potential in this one but unfortunately he was more likely to be found in a substance abuse program than in my bedroom.

6. Trader Joe’s – Los Angeles, CA: Given that he was the one checking me out, the question of “are you employed” was already answered.

7. Target – West Hollywood, CA: There is something about this Target where I never fail to meet someone and although these individuals aren’t exactly my type, they definitely have inspired an upcoming post. Stay tuned.

8. House party – Hollywood Hills, CA: I wish to call out Caution when dating anyone involved in the industry. Many become blinded by the idea of romance in the Hollywood Hills. Just remember, the nicer the home, the bigger the ego.

9. Bed Bath & Beyond – Los Angeles, CA: An ironically popular spot to meet young men either working or shopping for items they don’t have a clue about. I highly recommend it.

10. The Strip Club – Los Angeles, CA: No, I am not saying this was my best idea, however, you can’t always predict when you meet a group of guys who just want to have a great time and celebrate their friends “funeral.”

11. My Studio Nightclub – Hollywood, CA: All I know is these guys have great taste in music. Don’t come here if you don’t do it for the ratchets.

12. Infiniti Dealership – Glendale, CA: No, I never called him back. However, look around at car dealerships. More times than not, the men are young, attractive, employed, smart, and motivated. Not a bad way to go.

13. A Fundraiser in the Park – San Francisco, CA: Leave it to me to be attracted to the performing artist.

14. Blok Nightclub – Hollywood, CA: I know what you’re thinking; the club isn’t the way to go. For this one, you might be right considering the minute I walked away, he proceeded to request the number of the next girl following closely behind.

15. The Beverly Center – Los Angeles, CA: When shopping you meet all walks of life.

16. Boot camp – San Francisco, CA: There is little left to the imagination when it comes to his physique so why not indulge?

17. Laker Game – Los Angeles, CA: I am a huge fan of going to basketball games so it’s always great when you can meet someone who is just as into it and enjoys doing a similar activity.

18. Carnaval – San Francisco, CA: Meeting someone at a cultural festival tends to reveal that these individuals are out going and enjoy having a good time with family and friends. He was a great lunch date.

19. Infusion Lounge – San Francisco, CA: Of course I am guilty of another club meet and greet but when working in this industry it tends to be common to meet individuals who work long hours and love entertainment just as much as you do. Too bad I live in Los Angeles because he was a catch.

20. Bottega Louie Restaurant – Los Angeles, CA: This meeting was a bit unexpected, however, he sure knew good food and how to treat women.

Lesson: Dating is no easy task and finding him may be just as discouraging. However, I urge you to take note. Don’t take note exactly in the places that I mentioned above, but rather take away the idea that you never know where you’ll meet someone. It may not end with a walk down the isle but that’s not what this is all about. This is about the experience so I beg you to indulge, have a little fun, and have a little taste of everything.