Angry Single Women: Stalker Edition

Welcome to my favorite segment of Swag Etiquette, Angry Single Women. Angry Single Women, the segment that reveals the reality of many women who simply seemed to have lost their way in the dating scene. For this post, let me introduce you to The Stalker. We all have been guilty of some form of “stalking” whether it is the Facebook Stalker, the Sweeper, and the most common, Phone Detective. Unfamiliar with the terms? Let us review.

Facebook Stalker: An individual who spends large amounts of time on Facebook looking at other peoples profiles often browsing photos, walls, wall to walls, groups, or recent activity posted on the stalked person’s mini-feed (Urban Dictionary, 2012).

Angry Single Women, you remember when “Insert Name” liked his status? You did a thorough background check in less than 5 minutes didn’t you? She was pretty too, wasn’t she? Now you just thought about hiring a hit man off Craigslist because you knew her exact location, all thanks to Facebook check in, no? Yea, that isn’t a good look. Now ladies, I don’t discourage you from browsing his site, of course not, you can learn a lot from someone’s page, that’s what it’s there for isn’t it? However, this is where it goes wrong. I had a guy tell me that he spent time researching my entire page to see if, and I quote, “to see if you were cheating on me.” Pause right there. Last I knew I was single. Clearly he doesn’t read my Swag Etiquette. Point deducted for that one.

Ladies, if you are guilty of being a Facebook Stalker, do not, I repeat, do not interrogate him regarding things you found on his page. Not only have you revealed insecurities in your blooming relationship, you may be creating an entire scenario that could be nothing. Moreover, you don’t exactly have the right to confront him about any of it because first and foremost, he isn’t yours to claim. Ladies, when you interrogate him with a photo you found of him and his ex-girlfriend that was taken 4 years ago and remains in an outdated album, you come across as insecure. Don’t even get me started on the women who quote “we need to talk” because she saw a wall-to-wall conversation between her interest and a female friend. Now you look like a hot mess. He just blocked you from Facebook didn’t he? Yea, see that’s what you don’t want.

Sweeper: A Sweeper is someone who digs through physical items in a home that they shouldn't, aren't theirs, and have no business with. These individual become guilty of becoming the Angry Single Woman who fails to recognize she’s still single. Sweeping Repeats.

A girlfriend of mine is being charged as a Sweeper in where she entered her, how do we say this, lover’s apartment without his permission. In doing so, she discovered a woman’s presence by identifying makeup wipes in the bachelor’s garbage. The snoop fest proceeded into his bedroom and although I won’t uncover her entire story, she was able to conclude that she was not the only woman in that apartment. The snooping had been done and quite successful in all honesty but here is where she made her mistake. She confronted him. Now not only did she get interrogated for her presence in the apartment, she was identified as “crazy” and as a stage 5 clinger. Ladies, you need to be slicker if you don’t want to go down in history as the Angry Single Woman who doesn’t know she’s single.

Phone Detective: An individual who invades the privacy of another by viewing text messages, voicemails, and a call log without permission to prove disloyalty. More times than not, the Phone Detective fails to realize she is working on a case she was never assigned. In other words, there’s no case to crack because it ain’t her man.

I was dating a man who insisted on going through my cell phone text messages, voicemails and call logs every time he thought our relationship was taking a turn for the worst. He did this to “gain a greater understanding for what was missing.” Those were his words. He proceeded to question me quoting exact conversations I had had via text messages. My favorite was when he questioned me regarding a conversation I was having between a male friend who was questionably gay. Clearly he was not the best phone detective. I share this because like many who have had their privacy invaded, I wish to illustrate the impact it has on one’s relationship. Your detective work is not solving any case, it’s closing it. You’re work is shutting us down in regards of communication, promoting mistrust, and making us quote Keisha Cole “I Should’ve Cheated.” Angry Single Women, I address this to you because I find in my own experience that you ladies tend to have the greatest employment rate in this line of work.

Lesson: Submit your 2 weeks notice the moment you finish this post. No one wants to get into a relationship with someone who has proven to insult one’s own privacy. Angry Single Women, if you wish to change your relationship status on Facebook from “Single,” “It’s Complicated” or what I think is necessary “One Hot Mess” to “In a relationship” so you can experience the bliss of limitless comments and likes celebrating your success in the dating world, I highly suggest you take a note from this single woman and refrain from stalking temptation.

I Am Not Your Baby

There is a fine line between dating and being in a relationship. I plan to make this a topic for Swag Etiquette in the near future so I will not go into too much detail regarding what distinguishes one from the other. However, I will say this; that fine line between dating and a relationship is crossed when you refer to me as your “baby” without any evidence that you have what it takes to baby me. Harsh, I understand. When that line is crossed, you risk becoming a Swag Etiquette post and I thank you for the inspiration.

I always thought I was one of the only women who felt discomfort when certain terms of endearment were received from men I was only casually dating. It seems that so many women thrive on their new found identity if it utters romance so I often question, “what’s wrong with me?” However, during a recent discussion, my roommate and I concluded that terms of endearment were not endearing at all but rather suffocating and in all honesty, a little obnoxious. Men in my life, none of which were actually my boyfriend or none of which I had been even close to being seriously involved with led themselves to believe they had this right to identify me as their “baby.” Now I am not talking about the occasional slip of the term nor am i referring to bedroom lingo, it all can fly, with permission of course. I am talking about the repetitive text messages, Facebook messages, voicemails, or those rare conversations people still seem to have face to face, thanks to technology, where the terms are used time and time again. 

 Note: This applies to both men and women who are trapped in the friend zone by an individual in a committed relationship. Be mindful in how your text messages read in the eyes of others.With nothing to hide, I cannot explain to you how many awkward silences occurred when a boyfriend of mine would read a text message for me, with my permission, from a friend where the phrase "baby" or "boo" appeared. It is disrespectful of boundaries that have already been set.

This post is one where I cannot provide an answer with utter confidence for my distaste for these terms being thrown at me pre-relationship but I can offer some perspective, more like, personal preference. Now I want you to ask yourself first where you stand regarding this topic before reading the following. Seriously, think about it.

I have a theory it comes down to the way in which you view romantic relationships. If you are someone who is utterly provoked by the idea of a fairy tale where love is found at first sight and blows up your cell phone every 20 minutes and your Facebook wall every 10, this post may not be for you. For others, the terms are meaningless and simply add, for lack of a better word, “flavor” to a conversation. For many remaining, and myself, a relationship is like a business deal. I know, I know, way to strip the romance out of a relationship, but hear me out. I may date a lot, yes, but I require a man to truly show me he has what it takes for me to put my guard down and in all actuality, be babied. Now I don’t know business as well as I would like to but somewhere in that mix was a client, an investor, a business proposal, and an investment. What I mean by my business plan or in other words “show me he has what it takes” is different for me than it might be for you. That would require you to take a step back and define what you need out of a person to feel secure enough to let your guard down and embrace a romantic relationship. You see where I am going with this?

Lesson: Fellas, I understand that you use these terms of endearment for a variety of reasons and I applaud your efforts. However, I highly suggest you refrain from identifying a woman by these terms that you are casually dating or worst, a woman who placed you in the friend zone. Seriously, I have two male friends who continue to call me this and it results in an unanswered text. By reserving the terms for the more intimate stages of a relationship, they no longer become overwhelming and suffocating but rather appreciated and reciprocated.  

Let Us Keep It 100

I write this post because not only do I witness this time and time again, I was once just as guilty. I found myself going on a date or two or even three with an individual who over time proved to be someone that wasn’t right for me. Rather than “keeping it one hundred,” I often dismissed the individual without an explanation. Multiple texts, multiple Facebook messages, and calls would go unanswered. Now granted, the individual should have got the hint due to my silence; however, this is where I’d like to introduce my point. As an individual who takes on the responsibility in dating, it is so important to respect the individual who took time out of his or her evening and more often than not spent his or her hard earned money on you by letting them know, “I’m just not that you.”

If only that was the worst of it. This is Swag Etiquette, the blog that introduces the cruel world of dating in your twenties in Los Angeles. I mentioned the importance in offering reasoning to those unanswered calls but one would think the story I am about to share deserves not only an explanation but an apology.

I was involved with an individual where it was more complicated than any casual dating scenario should have been. After six months of casual dating, there was no longer an “us” without explanation and fortunately, there never became an us as a result of this vary incidient. After a drawn out explanation providing reasoning for our fall out along with an apology, three simple words were spoken which were never requested, “I Love You.” Fair enough, when one becomes consumed in the moment, false words slip, especially at the mercy of Grey Goose and Moet. I spent days debating if I should address the incident with him to gain better clarification. When I brought it up with a well thoughout text, he admitted to meaning every word. I made a decision to let go of our past miscommunications and indulge in the idea of romance. If only it were that easy.  The following day after those three words were spoken, he went on a trip with another woman for a weekend. That following week, he arrived to a nightclub with a third woman. The ironic part was when I displayed disapproval and emotion as a result of this disappointment, I was the one reprimanded for not taking the hint.

So you ask, how does my rule “keep it 100” come into play? Simple. Let me know you are not ready for a committed relationship rather than play these games. Let me know there is another woman, or two, in your life when questioned. Readers, I know what you’re thinking, “you got played.” One would agree… if he got any play, so what was the point?

Now with this example, I realize I may have brought on some confusion due to it being an unusual scenario so let me summarize my point in Swag Etiquette’s lesson.

Lesson: It is so easy to find the “games” that come with dating a sweet indulgence; however, if you decide to embark in this journey where you claim a level headed mentality when it comes to dating, show some respect and keep it 100. If you can’t make it to an engagement, inform me in a timely manner. If you miss me, come see me. If you need clarity in the relationship, simply ask. If i request clarity in the relationship, be honest. If you want to see other people, I respect your decision, just let me know.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The previous lesson sounds ideal, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, this is a blog post and won’t inspire the guilty so let me close with this. It is your responsibility to recognize that he or she just may not be that into you. Moreover, if you find yourself displeased by his or her actions time and time again, the individual just may not be right for you. With grace, keep it 100 with that individual and walk away. You might be surprised how often they may start calling.