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I began the year of 2012 as a new
single woman in her twenties. Now I must admit, the breakup did not come as a
shock based on two individuals unable to move forward without fighting words. Despite
my breakup, I was applauded on my newfound lifestyle viewed by the masses as a
result of social media. Social media is a funny thing. Everyone’s’ lives seem
so perfect through quickly updated statuses, nightlife uploads, and creatively
stated check ins. Ironically it is social media that has been responsible for
plenty of the drama we all wish to hide. You remember that photo at the club
you uploaded while your man was working graveyard? Yea, he was pissed. Remember
that Instagram photo you posted when your girl was home sick? Yea, she was
pissed. And don’t you remember that ambiguous status you wrote after a
miscommunication through text, because no
one seems to believe in phone calls? Yea, pissed and your hashtags in a
text didn’t help. Guilty. You are now
single, aren’t you?
I know a lot of people who became
engaged this year. No, seriously, two weeks ago I knew eighteen engagement
rings and marriage licenses were handed out. Today I know twenty-three. Right?! Among the constant
congratulatory posts and perfectly filtered engagement ring photos, it was messages
from individuals asking me for one piece of advice that stood out. “How did
you survive your breakup?” Through their eyes, it seemed like I had it all
figured out.
To help you through this post I am
going to ask you, my readers, to do a few things. Get comfortable in your seat,
this may take a minute. Grab a glass of wine, it adds to the ambiance. Listen
to my story, gain perspective.
In 2007 I ended a four-year
relationship with someone who was perfectly imperfect. I find it funny when
people applaud the divorcee while attacking the divorcer. Breaking someone’s
heart that was still in yours is no easy task. Than try living with them for
six months post breakup as a result of a signed lease and two low-income
students without a plan. It is not to your benefit or to mine to explain my
reasoning behind our break, however, the aftermath is what I wish to highlight.
Post breakup, I was approached numerous times by all walks of life: his
friends, my best friends, my own mother, explaining what a mistake I made.
Everyone had an opinion. His friends called me slut, whore, bitch, and every
critique imaginable. Other friends informed me I was responsible for ruining
someone’s life and was responsible for his leave to the military. In six
months, a lease was broken and I found myself homeless, spending the night on
couches for a nine-month period.
And to think you thought I had it
all together? The year after my breakup was one of the harder years and you
better believe cupid was on my shit list. There was no room for me to “lose it”
after my breakup and with that I learned valuable lessons related to this
topic. I promise, it does get easier, it just takes trial and error. You asked
how I survive breakups. I am no expert but based on my experiences, I can
provide you with what I have come to know through five identified steps in How
to Survive a Breakup. I apologize in advance to my male readers; unfortunately,
this is a lesson for the young women in “survival” because it is not my place
to speak for you. However, stick with me on this one, you may gain perspective.
Step
One: The “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Breakup
Ladies, you’ve just been dumped.
Like literally, he broke up with you on the phone while you were driving on the
Highway 5 during commute traffic. I know, I know, it’s said to be mutual. In
fact, you had your whole speech prepared for that evening when you were going
to announce to him “we need to talk, it’s over.” Naturally, it didn’t go as
planned and no sooner had you hung up the phone and logged onto Facebook to
find “Kaitlin is now single.” Thank you
Facebook for that notification and the ex for the news, I was not aware.
Numerous calls and texts begin streaming in with questions and concerns for a newly
updated relationship status. So what do I do? Exactly what you should not do. Post
on Facebook. Please excuse my language, I was recently an Angry Single Woman
caught in LA traffic. The post: “Bitch ass [men] making bitch ass moves.” Not my best moment.
Lesson
1: When you have just heard “it’s not you, it’s me” or “this isn’t working”
or any other classic form of a breakup, do not post any form of social media
for at least 24 hours. You know what, multiply that number too as high as you
think you need. Unless you look real good, I’ll let that slide. Read Swag
Etiquette. Resume. The Angry Single Woman routine is important, but let’s go a
different route.
Step
Two: The Angry Single Woman
Someone recently asked me if I was
the Angry Single Woman in which I refer to in Swag Etiquette. I take pride when
I share that those posts are actually not about me but rather what I have
observed. I know, hard to believe when you see me take full advantage of the
ratchet clap and hashtag #BAN in my posts. However, how could I end 2012
without some admittance to my Angry Single Woman ways? You know, those
nonconventional actions you take fresh out of a breakup? Some burn houses. Some
slash tires. Some key cars. Most certainly not my style, after all, three of my
four exes never owned a car and they often were in my house. However, I am
guilty. Guilty of those ambiguous Facebook statuses as previously reported. I
am guilty of pulling a Katy Perry ‘I Kissed a Girl’ moment at Tru and consumed
unlimited Tequila when my limit was at three when you arrived hand in hand with
a woman after you just told me you loved me. I am guilty of excess ratchet
claps, head nods, and Z-snaps at the least opportune times, most often after
those infamous LA dates. I am guilty simply of being a woman who has been hurt.
Lesson
2: Anger is often a result of frustration and sadness. We find ourselves
frustrated in that he cannot see what we have to offer. We experience sadness
when we realize he has no interest in it at all. So often we are criticized
when we show any emotion. Express your anger, seriously, do it. However, do it
legally. Do it safely. Do it where he cannot be witness. It is funny how people
hold on and judge our less than lady-like actions yet they forget how well we
performed in previous cases. Don’t give him reason to believe his decision to
leave you was the smartest decision he ever made.
Step
Three: Officially Missing You
Remember when I said I might
provide unconventional tips? Yea, this is one of those. Rebound. I had a damn
good-looking man in my home the night of my breakup and took full advantage. I
told you I was an opportunist. Stop right there, go to my post, “How to Have
Sex Like a Man.” If you are unable to pull this off, a rebound is not for you.
Trust me, I have been witness to this.
Still, rebound or not, you may find
yourself visiting his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin, WTF is Linkedin? and every social media
outlet in between. Over and over and over. Ladies, this will be the hardest yet
most rewarding advice I have to give. Cut him off completely. No, seriously,
for the time being, let him go. I never understood the power behind, “out of
sight, out of mind” until my experience with an emotionally abusive ex whom I
could not let go. I understood why we broke up, that I got; in fact, I was the
one who did it. However, each text I received from him during my text history
review, I still smiled. Each photo update with his new girlfriend, I cried. She was not even that cute. Each
possibility of running into him, I spent an extra hour getting ready. I get it;
you fear cutting him off will look childish. By “defriending” or “unfollowing” you
show that his name bothers you and it’s true, you may be viewed that way. However,
this is you time, it does not matter what he thinks because you no longer are
his priority. Ladies I beg you right now, take this action if you are going
through it. I’ll wait. You remember
my post “Angry Single Women: The Text Delete?” Refer to that post (4/2/2012).
You know how easy it is to find his number in your message history. I beg you
delete it. I promise you wont have an emergency where you will need to contact
him anytime soon. This will be your best bet if those Tequila shots are
catching up with you and you have the urge to drunken text.
Lesson
3: It is natural to miss someone you were involved with at such an intimate
level and it’s funny how you now have become just someone he use to know. You see what I did there? Miss him, it’s
okay but remove him from your memory in any way possible for a period of time.
It’s no longer a relationship, this is about you so why is he still present in
your daily routine?
Step
Four: Healing
So you physically survived a
breakup. You even avoided incarceration because you decided vandalizing his
material items was not the way to go. Most importantly, you were able to remove
yourself from all forms of contact with him. So why does it hurt so badly
still? Ladies, you may have survived the physical part of a breakup but the
emotional part is what gets us in trouble. There are not enough pages to fill
on how to heal after a breakup, everyone is different, and so I will simply explain
what has helped me in the past.
Cry:
Ladies, I know when those independent women songs come on; you raise your hand
up high and recite the lyrics with not one mistake. The reality is it’s okay to
be sad. Let yourself cry. I know, it seems like it will never stop once you
begin but I promise you it will. Give yourself that. Let go of the scrutiny and
criticisms we women are victim to when showing emotions. This is not about
them, it’s about you.
Emotional
Support: Take advantage of emotional support. I am not talking about
venting through Facebook. I will give you one free pass on that but anymore you
find your posts flooded with advice you never asked for. Ain't nobody got time for that. Reach out to those who you know
have your best interest at heart. One of my girls is the best at understanding
me when my eyes are filled with tears, dry heaving is in full effect and I am
unable to speak a clear sentence. We call that the Ugly Girl Cry. I have another
girl who is perfect when I need to take full advantage of slang, Z-snaps, and
“mHmmm, yes he did!” act. My mother is excellent at keeping me on track and
reminding me of my full potential as an educated and intelligent woman who
should have been looking for a Jewish husband in the first place. Not exactly
what I was going for but I’ll take it. My foster mom is the one that tells me
everything I needed to hear and more reminding me not to take the breakup so
personal. I always do.
Coping
Skills: All of us have an outlet and a way we cope with life stressors we
experience on a day-to-day basis. Some make use of the gym. I have been to the
gym at most five times in my life. I go a different route. Music is the most
powerful outlet for emotions for me personally. When I am evoking that Angry
Single Woman inside, you better believe I have explicit rap at max volume that
drowns out my misinterpreted lyrics. Other times, I write. I free write. I
quote. I start a blog. How else do you think this began? The man I was crazy
about told me everything I wanted to hear but his actions said otherwise. It
was Valentine’s Day and I never heard from him besides a generalized text
“Happy V-day KK.” Apparently it took to much effort to spell out my name and
the holiday present. With one bottle of wine, a few good stories, and the
ability to write quite well intoxicated, I began Swag Etiquette. Find your
outlet.
Lesson
4: There will be better times after a hard breakup, I promise. However,
there comes a point when it’s up to you to take that first step and begin to
heal in the ways in which you have identified as most suitable for your well
being.
Step
Five: Moving On
Ladies and Gentlemen: this is where
Swag Etiquette comes into play. A breakup is not easy, non-compliant one’s at
least. Move forward. Move forward in advancing your education or employment.
Tend to things that have been on your to do list for far too long. Begin to
date .I spent 2012 dating all walks of life and although it is apparent many
did not work out, it is about the experience. Fellas, we are looking, I
promise. We come across as Angry Single Women sometimes, ill admit. However,
many of us, resolution to “Stay Single for a Year” or not are not blind to a
man who can contribute to a change of heart. We just require a man with proper
etiquette, swag or not.
Final
Lesson: We all have been
there, or at least I am assuming you have based on the fact you are reading
this post. It is no surprise breakups are heartbreaking and I am flattered some
of you have reached out to me to ask for my advice or simply for me to listen.
I was happy to. Trust me, it does get easier but it sure might require you to
over come the challenges mentioned above. I do apologize in advance, you may
date some of the worst in LA as I have, but think, you just might meet one of
the best. I wish you well.
