Cupid On a Budget

I have never seen this before and maybe it’s because for the longest time I was on the opposing team. Unfortunately, Team Single is not much of a team at all; look around you, you’re ass is alone. Thank you Kevin Hart for that one. Naturally, while the celebratory team celebrates Cupid’s big day, I find myself with a little extra time on my hands to simply observe. During my observations, I came across something unexpected. Team Single seems to think Valentine’s Day is Single’s Awareness Day and make it a point to make it known. Take a deep breath Team Single; everyday is Single’s Awareness Day where social media targets your relationship status on a daily basis. You’re not fooling anyone.  

Now the men on my team seem to have lost sight of what it means to be an eligible bachelor. You know the kind that meets the eye with full potential yet remains simply unavailable for every other reason besides his relationship status. So I beg to ask why my male teammates continue to promote full financial success 364 days of the year with the exception of 1 day, Valentine’s Day. As I cock my head from side to side with a look of confusion, I read “I just saved a bunch of money this Valentine’s Day by staying single.” You know that moment when someone claps after a poorly executed joke to save face? My reaction exactly. Now don’t think this is targeting you, or you, or even you. Exactly my point, you are not the only one posting this content. It seems this year savings accounts just reached a new high, yet while I applaud your ability to be financially focused, I remain thoroughly unimpressed.

Oh I get it, Valentine’s Day is a bit overrated right? Sure, but that one woman who has been by your side could really have used a day to indulge in opportunistic holiday. Keyword: Sideline. “roses are red, violets are blue, if that man is busy on Valentine’s day, than the side chick is you.” Or financially strategizing, either work.  Fellas indulge in the sanctity in being single because I’m going to help you rid yourself of a sideline, sounds like you can’t afford it.

The Cowards Way Out

It was just a few months ago when I found myself in the arms of a man I knew my mama would be damn proud of. You see, I didn’t even know much about him but she didn’t have to, all she needed to know was he was Jewish. Now if you know me personally, relax, that was just a phase. No sooner had I begun telling my mother about this individual, he disappeared. I’m not talking about the classic fade out, that is next on my list. I am talking about a man who walked out of my life and never looked back without notice. Okay, I know what you’re thinking, something is wrong with the individual we have been taking relationship advice from for one year. Not the case, give me a little bit of credit. It was simply meeting someone who I thought was a man and turned out to be nothing more than a coward. Now this is one way to get out of a filled Valentine’s day agenda, however I don’t recommend it if you want to avoid your lack in dating etiquette to be my next featured post.

The Fade Out

The fade out is my least favorite way in which people disconnect yet it remains so incredibly common. So exactly what is a fade out? A fade out is exactly, what it sounds like. Two individuals are talking, dating, in an unlabelled relationship, yet overtime, you find yourself thinking, “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from him.” With good faith, you dismiss your suspicions, go about your day and continue on. Unfortunately, it’s now been two weeks and the only verbal exchanges the two of you have had consist of “Good Morning,” and “K.” First of all, we knew something was up with the “K.” text message. Ladies, this is nothing short of a fade out. It’s most often used because it is much to easy to avoid confrontation. While you execute the fade out perfectly, the person on the other line is left hanging on the other line asking herself, “where did it go wrong? Was it something I did?” With mixed message, unpredictable visits, and an occasional time in bed you have mastered a complicated relationship with someone you no longer wanted by your side yet you just can’t seem to get her to leave your house in the morning.

Keep It 100%

I went an entire year where I swear every other sentence had me demanding others to “keep it 100” with a ratchet clap following closely behind. For whatever reason, your sideline is not the one you wish to spend your February 14^th with and you have now less than twenty hours to get rid of her. We lie and omit to others because we wish to avoid hurting others but I beg you, “keep it 100.” Choose the way in which you wish to deliver the information, but deliver it clearly. Say what you need to say and welcome honesty. Allow her to have some control in the situation by allowing her to initiate whether or not she wants to be in your life, if maintaining a friendship is what you intend. You are now able to walk away from the situation knowing you communicated appropriately and were honest with both your partner and yourself. Okay, maybe it’s not that serious to you, after all, she was just a side chick to you but I’m going to help you out and teach you a little Swag Etiquette. With proper etiquette, you may have just prevented an overflowed inbox with only her name listed or a blog blast on Swag Etiquette. You might be surprised how many of your girls ask me to feature you in my blog. I’m just kidding, I’m sure I’ll find a place for you somewhere in here.

Lesson: Your phone is filled with text blasts, IG shout outs, and witty Facebook remarks all at Cupid’s expense. Happy Valentine’s Day. Happy Single’s Awareness Day. Happy Cupid Keeps Fucking Up Day. As you slowly awake, you look around and are reminded your bank account remains untouched and no unnatural expectations are placed on you on this vary day. Congratulations in your success, I suggest you celebrate, but look around Team Single, where’s your team?

A Catch-22

I can’t win. Feels like it anyway. I use to be good at this sort of thing. You know, dating, relationships, swag etiquette. A year later I find myself more lost than ever and with the inability to translate lessons learned as a single woman. It’s sort of a funny thing, you know, giving advice on Swag Etiquette where readers respond with restored faith, a good laugh, and praises for articles that grant a new perspective on the topic of relationships. So why can’t I still figure it out?

There’s a reason why so many men and women hate “dating.” I am not talking about dating the way I did in 2012 where the goal was to survive a date filled with interview questions, awkward silences, and a lack in chemistry. No, not looking for love was actually quite easy. It's looking for love that brings me to today’s post. And this is where you think out loud “you can’t look for love, it comes to you.” I said the same once but the reality is “dating” is called “the dating game” for a reason and if you don’t play it right, you find yourself where I am, in a catch-22.

I find myself torn between two personalities. Hear me out, don’t 51/50 me just yet. I have lost some faith. I was once told I was responsible for ruining someone’s life when I spoke up and ended a relationship that was no longer moving forward. I was called too sensitive and weak when an emotionally abusive boyfriend criticized my every move and every thought. I was told 2 years of being in a relationship with me was a waste of time because we were just too different. I was told I was an amazing woman who had so much to offer yet I was never his first choice. Just like so many of you I have lost faith and have “Fuck You” stamped right across my forehead. I’ve become cynical, indifferent, temperamental, and quite honestly, a pessimist. And let’s just say, Cupid, you are not the homie.

Now try and date this type of woman. I mean how could you? She’s cold, indifferent to your romance, and asks you to leave after your fifteen minutes of fame in the bedroom are up. I became that woman.

Than there’s another side. The hopeless romantic. The one that despite it all, the heartbreaks, the cruelty, the naysayers to love, I still believe in it. it’s ironic based on my track record, but I remember the relationships I had. The beautiful moments that went with it. Sure they did have their problems and there was no happily ever after but they existed and I have to believe there can be something like it again. I find myself talking to God, briefly, but praying nonetheless that this guy will be the one. I write these posts, hoping to restore your faith. I send him text messages with “I Miss You” and sincere hopes in completing that List we created during a moment I believed it was possible.

Now try and date this type of woman. I mean how could you? She’s too welcoming. The kind of woman who would stick by you through it all. The woman who genuinely wants to know how your day was. The woman who knows despite her inability to cook a meal, she will make the effort to learn for you. The woman who carefully slips into lingerie and an outfit to ensure that it remains a surprise till the very end. You try rocking a G-string for 8 hours. Yet this woman is unnoticed and you tell her she’s amazing but than never hears from you again. She’s too easy. There’s no chase. What do you get out of it when so many others are willing to play the game? I became that woman.

So there’s a catch-22, “a situation in which a desired outcome is impossible to attain because of a set of inherently illogical rules or conditions” (Webster, 2011). I can’t be both of these women and win the impossible, it’s simply illogical and leaves room for error and that’s the catch that we all suffer from. The error in the dating game.

Ladies, you played the role of the hopeless romantic and he walked away. You played the role of the “Bitch” and you must admit it was fun while it lasted but he walked away. Than you tried playing both, you tried what I do. You tried to keep your guard up, tried to prevent him from letting you see that hopeless romantic because after all, we are told the hopeless romantic is unfitting, exhausting, and unwanted. But we’re women who truly are looking for something different this year, something close to a fairy tale with realistic inner lining of course so we let our guard down. We begin to let someone in but we’re only human and find ourselves fluctuating between two identities. He calls you on it. He highlights your inconsistencies and reminds you of your mixed messages. Now you’re caught and you don’t know how to win because this is a catch-22, a desired outcome in finding love in an impossible set of rules where we women are expected to master a fine line between the hopeless romantic and the bitch who requires a chase.

Lesson: As a pessimist, I don’t have a lesson here; I am just as lost as you and caught in this catch-22 but somehow I keep playing. I don’t know if I will ever win this game, but I know this, I wont ever stop playing to win and that I say proudly as the hopeless romantic.

How to Survive a Breakup

-->

I began the year of 2012 as a new single woman in her twenties. Now I must admit, the breakup did not come as a shock based on two individuals unable to move forward without fighting words. Despite my breakup, I was applauded on my newfound lifestyle viewed by the masses as a result of social media. Social media is a funny thing. Everyone’s’ lives seem so perfect through quickly updated statuses, nightlife uploads, and creatively stated check ins. Ironically it is social media that has been responsible for plenty of the drama we all wish to hide. You remember that photo at the club you uploaded while your man was working graveyard? Yea, he was pissed. Remember that Instagram photo you posted when your girl was home sick? Yea, she was pissed. And don’t you remember that ambiguous status you wrote after a miscommunication through text, because no one seems to believe in phone calls? Yea, pissed and your hashtags in a text didn’t help. Guilty. You are now single, aren’t you?

I know a lot of people who became engaged this year. No, seriously, two weeks ago I knew eighteen engagement rings and marriage licenses were handed out. Today I know twenty-three. Right?! Among the constant congratulatory posts and perfectly filtered engagement ring photos, it was messages from individuals asking me for one piece of advice that stood out. “How did you survive your breakup?” Through their eyes, it seemed like I had it all figured out.  

To help you through this post I am going to ask you, my readers, to do a few things. Get comfortable in your seat, this may take a minute. Grab a glass of wine, it adds to the ambiance. Listen to my story, gain perspective.

In 2007 I ended a four-year relationship with someone who was perfectly imperfect. I find it funny when people applaud the divorcee while attacking the divorcer. Breaking someone’s heart that was still in yours is no easy task. Than try living with them for six months post breakup as a result of a signed lease and two low-income students without a plan. It is not to your benefit or to mine to explain my reasoning behind our break, however, the aftermath is what I wish to highlight. Post breakup, I was approached numerous times by all walks of life: his friends, my best friends, my own mother, explaining what a mistake I made. Everyone had an opinion. His friends called me slut, whore, bitch, and every critique imaginable. Other friends informed me I was responsible for ruining someone’s life and was responsible for his leave to the military. In six months, a lease was broken and I found myself homeless, spending the night on couches for a nine-month period.

And to think you thought I had it all together? The year after my breakup was one of the harder years and you better believe cupid was on my shit list. There was no room for me to “lose it” after my breakup and with that I learned valuable lessons related to this topic. I promise, it does get easier, it just takes trial and error. You asked how I survive breakups. I am no expert but based on my experiences, I can provide you with what I have come to know through five identified steps in How to Survive a Breakup. I apologize in advance to my male readers; unfortunately, this is a lesson for the young women in “survival” because it is not my place to speak for you. However, stick with me on this one, you may gain perspective.

Step One: The “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Breakup

Ladies, you’ve just been dumped. Like literally, he broke up with you on the phone while you were driving on the Highway 5 during commute traffic. I know, I know, it’s said to be mutual. In fact, you had your whole speech prepared for that evening when you were going to announce to him “we need to talk, it’s over.” Naturally, it didn’t go as planned and no sooner had you hung up the phone and logged onto Facebook to find “Kaitlin is now single.” Thank you Facebook for that notification and the ex for the news, I was not aware. Numerous calls and texts begin streaming in with questions and concerns for a newly updated relationship status. So what do I do? Exactly what you should not do. Post on Facebook. Please excuse my language, I was recently an Angry Single Woman caught in LA traffic. The post: “Bitch ass [men] making bitch ass moves.”  Not my best moment.

Lesson 1: When you have just heard “it’s not you, it’s me” or “this isn’t working” or any other classic form of a breakup, do not post any form of social media for at least 24 hours. You know what, multiply that number too as high as you think you need. Unless you look real good, I’ll let that slide. Read Swag Etiquette. Resume. The Angry Single Woman routine is important, but let’s go a different route.

Step Two: The Angry Single Woman

Someone recently asked me if I was the Angry Single Woman in which I refer to in Swag Etiquette. I take pride when I share that those posts are actually not about me but rather what I have observed. I know, hard to believe when you see me take full advantage of the ratchet clap and hashtag #BAN in my posts. However, how could I end 2012 without some admittance to my Angry Single Woman ways? You know, those nonconventional actions you take fresh out of a breakup? Some burn houses. Some slash tires. Some key cars. Most certainly not my style, after all, three of my four exes never owned a car and they often were in my house. However, I am guilty. Guilty of those ambiguous Facebook statuses as previously reported. I am guilty of pulling a Katy Perry ‘I Kissed a Girl’ moment at Tru and consumed unlimited Tequila when my limit was at three when you arrived hand in hand with a woman after you just told me you loved me. I am guilty of excess ratchet claps, head nods, and Z-snaps at the least opportune times, most often after those infamous LA dates. I am guilty simply of being a woman who has been hurt.

Lesson 2: Anger is often a result of frustration and sadness. We find ourselves frustrated in that he cannot see what we have to offer. We experience sadness when we realize he has no interest in it at all. So often we are criticized when we show any emotion. Express your anger, seriously, do it. However, do it legally. Do it safely. Do it where he cannot be witness. It is funny how people hold on and judge our less than lady-like actions yet they forget how well we performed in previous cases. Don’t give him reason to believe his decision to leave you was the smartest decision he ever made.

Step Three: Officially Missing You 

Remember when I said I might provide unconventional tips? Yea, this is one of those. Rebound. I had a damn good-looking man in my home the night of my breakup and took full advantage. I told you I was an opportunist. Stop right there, go to my post, “How to Have Sex Like a Man.” If you are unable to pull this off, a rebound is not for you. Trust me, I have been witness to this.

Still, rebound or not, you may find yourself visiting his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin, WTF is Linkedin? and every social media outlet in between. Over and over and over. Ladies, this will be the hardest yet most rewarding advice I have to give. Cut him off completely. No, seriously, for the time being, let him go. I never understood the power behind, “out of sight, out of mind” until my experience with an emotionally abusive ex whom I could not let go. I understood why we broke up, that I got; in fact, I was the one who did it. However, each text I received from him during my text history review, I still smiled. Each photo update with his new girlfriend, I cried. She was not even that cute. Each possibility of running into him, I spent an extra hour getting ready. I get it; you fear cutting him off will look childish. By “defriending” or “unfollowing” you show that his name bothers you and it’s true, you may be viewed that way. However, this is you time, it does not matter what he thinks because you no longer are his priority. Ladies I beg you right now, take this action if you are going through it. I’ll wait. You remember my post “Angry Single Women: The Text Delete?” Refer to that post (4/2/2012). You know how easy it is to find his number in your message history. I beg you delete it. I promise you wont have an emergency where you will need to contact him anytime soon. This will be your best bet if those Tequila shots are catching up with you and you have the urge to drunken text.

Lesson 3: It is natural to miss someone you were involved with at such an intimate level and it’s funny how you now have become just someone he use to know. You see what I did there? Miss him, it’s okay but remove him from your memory in any way possible for a period of time. It’s no longer a relationship, this is about you so why is he still present in your daily routine?

Step Four: Healing

So you physically survived a breakup. You even avoided incarceration because you decided vandalizing his material items was not the way to go. Most importantly, you were able to remove yourself from all forms of contact with him. So why does it hurt so badly still? Ladies, you may have survived the physical part of a breakup but the emotional part is what gets us in trouble. There are not enough pages to fill on how to heal after a breakup, everyone is different, and so I will simply explain what has helped me in the past.

Cry: Ladies, I know when those independent women songs come on; you raise your hand up high and recite the lyrics with not one mistake. The reality is it’s okay to be sad. Let yourself cry. I know, it seems like it will never stop once you begin but I promise you it will. Give yourself that. Let go of the scrutiny and criticisms we women are victim to when showing emotions. This is not about them, it’s about you.

Emotional Support: Take advantage of emotional support. I am not talking about venting through Facebook. I will give you one free pass on that but anymore you find your posts flooded with advice you never asked for. Ain't nobody got time for that. Reach out to those who you know have your best interest at heart. One of my girls is the best at understanding me when my eyes are filled with tears, dry heaving is in full effect and I am unable to speak a clear sentence. We call that the Ugly Girl Cry. I have another girl who is perfect when I need to take full advantage of slang, Z-snaps, and “mHmmm, yes he did!” act. My mother is excellent at keeping me on track and reminding me of my full potential as an educated and intelligent woman who should have been looking for a Jewish husband in the first place. Not exactly what I was going for but I’ll take it. My foster mom is the one that tells me everything I needed to hear and more reminding me not to take the breakup so personal. I always do.

Coping Skills: All of us have an outlet and a way we cope with life stressors we experience on a day-to-day basis. Some make use of the gym. I have been to the gym at most five times in my life. I go a different route. Music is the most powerful outlet for emotions for me personally. When I am evoking that Angry Single Woman inside, you better believe I have explicit rap at max volume that drowns out my misinterpreted lyrics. Other times, I write. I free write. I quote. I start a blog. How else do you think this began? The man I was crazy about told me everything I wanted to hear but his actions said otherwise. It was Valentine’s Day and I never heard from him besides a generalized text “Happy V-day KK.” Apparently it took to much effort to spell out my name and the holiday present. With one bottle of wine, a few good stories, and the ability to write quite well intoxicated, I began Swag Etiquette. Find your outlet.

Lesson 4: There will be better times after a hard breakup, I promise. However, there comes a point when it’s up to you to take that first step and begin to heal in the ways in which you have identified as most suitable for your well being.

Step Five: Moving On

Ladies and Gentlemen: this is where Swag Etiquette comes into play. A breakup is not easy, non-compliant one’s at least. Move forward. Move forward in advancing your education or employment. Tend to things that have been on your to do list for far too long. Begin to date .I spent 2012 dating all walks of life and although it is apparent many did not work out, it is about the experience. Fellas, we are looking, I promise. We come across as Angry Single Women sometimes, ill admit. However, many of us, resolution to “Stay Single for a Year” or not are not blind to a man who can contribute to a change of heart. We just require a man with proper etiquette, swag or not.

Final Lesson:  We all have been there, or at least I am assuming you have based on the fact you are reading this post. It is no surprise breakups are heartbreaking and I am flattered some of you have reached out to me to ask for my advice or simply for me to listen. I was happy to. Trust me, it does get easier but it sure might require you to over come the challenges mentioned above. I do apologize in advance, you may date some of the worst in LA as I have, but think, you just might meet one of the best. I wish you well.

Angry Single Women: Keyboard Restriction

-->

Fellas, I apologize, I think I have been a bit hard on you lately. “Bitches be crazy” is not just a witty e-card, it’s truth. Ladies, you need to sit down for this one because you’re in trouble. You’re about to be put on blast in the Angry Single Women edition of Swag Etiquette under Keyboard Restriction. I would say text but than you would just use Facebook. I’d say Facebook but than you would comment on Instagram. I am denying you keyboard access until you finish this post.

After having the opportunity to connect with a couple of good friends, I have had the opportunity to experience what it would be like to be a single man. All right, I may be exaggerating. I simply was given permission to take his cell phone during the car ride and answer his incoming text messages. The other experience was where a friend of mine gave me insight to Angry Single Women by showing me excessive messages received via Facebook. Now I have had my share of poorly worded text messages, both delivered and received but nothing compares to the desperation women are illustrating with keyboard access.

Exhibit A: My friend informed me a guy friend of his was playing a prank on him and forwarded his number to a girl who recently had broken up with her boyfriend. I believe that is how this all began. Now the conversation between my friend and this young woman went fairly smooth in the initial stages of texting. Than she got weird. Ladies, I don’t know how to make it anymore clear but texting should be done as if you were face to face with an individual. For example, I would not stand in front of a man I hardly knew and ask, “do you think I am pretty” only to follow with “you’re just saying that” when he tells you what you want to hear. I mean, you sound ridiculous. It gets worst. The young woman proceeded to create a trivia challenge for my friend questioning, “are you a mean or nice guy?” What does that even mean? If he were a mean guy, would he say yes? Your excessive LOLs and HAHAs to comments that had no intention of being funny, trust me I know because I wrote them, shows you are incapable of a conversation. Given that you have failed to use a “.” or “,” this entire time, you also need to return to school. I mean seriously, you should not be allowed to text.

Exhibit B: That same night, my friend and his home girl were texting throughout the night during our kick it. The conversation was fairly predictable until she flipped the script. Out of no where she asks, “does it bother you that I am texting you?” Home girl, if he’s texting you back, you already have your answer. She later followed with the same question as Exhibit A, “do you think I’m pretty?” Seriously, what if he said no? I highly doubt you have enough wit to come up with a good response. In my honest opinion, a woman who is confident in her self should not need to search for compliments but always honor them when they are given. Ladies you need to relax. He’s your homeboy so why make it weird? You should not be allowed to have your cell phone. I mean seriously, put it down.

Exhibit C: For a minute, I thought my good friend was just attracting some abnormal females. Could all females be this desperate?  Exhibit C reminded me, it is quite possible. The other night my “man friend” and yes I said man friend, began discussing some of the people who have been in and out of our lives. He showed me a message on Facebook where the intention was a conversation between him self and a girl he use to talk to. Something like that. The only problem was, she never waited for his response. What do I mean exactly? I mean this: you are allowed one message where you say all what you need to say. If you do not receive a response, it’s time to let it go and move forward. The problem was this angry single woman failed to do so. She sent her message using feeling words and all. Within two days she proceeded to message in anger because he had not responded. I knew she was angry based on her cap locks. That’s one way to do it. I wish that were where the story ended. This angry single woman went from a message with feeling, to a message with cap locks, to a message with swear words, to a message filled with hate. Mind you, he responded with two sentences at max. Reading it, all I could wish was for her to simply stop and rethink. She did not. She didn’t even use periods. Again, females, please, resume your education. Exhibit C, welcome to Swag Etiquette.

Lesson: Angry single women, I understand emotions may get the best of us sometimes. However, it is imperative that you take a step back, read a little Swag Etiquette, take a grammar class, and remind yourself that less is more. Less indirect questions searching for compliments. Less anger via cap locks. Less bi-polar thought process via Facebook. Take a step back and ask yourself, would the way you act behind a screen, be the way you would act face to face?

The "Lame Lance" Theory

A close friend of mine recently sent me a link to a YouTube video titled, you might have guessed it, “#LameLance.” If you have not already seen the video, go check it out before resuming this blog post.

YouTube: “#LameLance” https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=hKOB618eIjc#!

You didn’t do it, did you?

In case you did not watch the video, let me shed some light on the Lame Lance theory. If you can recall, I wrote a blog titled “Wait” that shared the reality that sometimes your name in someone’s phone is identified as “Do Not Pick Up” or worst, “12345678.” That’s because your number wasn’t even worth the time to add as a contact in her cell phone. Now don’t worry, your number just might actually come into good use.

Lame Lances know our main men have a tendency to slip up time and time again. Lame Lance is the guy who every woman can count on when waking up every morning to those "Good Morning" text messages. Lame Lance is the guy who, knowing he wont get a text back, will continue to text us those favorite "Thinking of you" or "Hope you're feeling better" messages. Lame Lance's game is often doubted, criticized, and in all honesty, worthy of blog material. Trust me, I've used it. Now I know what you’re thinking, Lame Lance is the one slippin’. You see, I beg to differ because Lame Lance knows that her main man is bound to slip up and when that happens, he’ll be the first one in line. Ironically, Lame Lance is the guy who is called or let us be honest, texted, because no one seems to know how to use a phone anymore, when her main man is slippin’. 

As demonstrated in the video, a man slippin' may include your girl requesting "just for one, please" because her main man is at home with his boys playin' Call of Duty. Black Ops 2 just came out and all our main men went into hiding, received any unexpected text messages lately? Main men slippin’ can include every post you find her on Swag Etiquette. See, slippin’, and that’s where you, Lame Lance, come in.

Now as a single woman, I have watched my main men slip up one too many times. It’s funny because these main men have a tendency to be traded out and become old news but Lame Lance still remains present. And let me clarify, Lame Lance can come in many forms. We have Lame Lance "my main man just slipped up, can we talk?" This is where my infamous ratchet clap will come in. We have Lame Lance "I'm just trynna kick it." After all, Lame Lance invited your girl to Waffle House and we all know, “bitches love waffle house.” And of course, we have Lame Lance, "I'm just trynna fuck." Lame Lance is the one I’m calling when you took too long to text back when I was trying to remind you what you’ve been missing. Lame Lance is the one I’m calling when I catch you texting another female and you give me the excuse, “that’s just my homegirl.” Lame Lance is the one I’m going to call when I need to be heard knowing you won’t be there to listen.

Lame Lance has a tendency to remind us women that, sure, they may not have the intended swag we women prioritize, but admittedly, they’re the one we find ourselves calling when you're not around. No longer are we texting our main men, you perhaps, like we use to. Ever wonder why?

Main men, listen closely and carefully. As a main woman, I didn’t just call or text Lame Lance for a five-minute conversation this time. I caught you slippin’ one too many times. I had him come over and he taught me somethin’; You can easily be replaced.

Lesson: First and foremost you must understand a difference between your “main man” and “boyfriend.” This writer is not here to promote cheating. Secondly, watch the video for a good laugh because some material I was unable to include. Lastly, main men pay attention to how you treat your girl because without a doubt, someone else is doing it right and if not careful you can become just another Lame Lance in her phone.

The Challenge: How to Be Single

-->

I am exhausted. I am defeated. I am throwing in the towel. I think I lost sight of what my New Years resolution was all about: To be single in Los Angeles for a duration of one year and embrace the dating scene. See, I think I forgot the key word, “dating” and unfortunately found myself replacing my epic made-up rap lyrics for love songs, my “no bullshit” attitude for an overly optimistic outlook and Swag Etiquette material went from a reflection of seemingly tragic dates reenacted with humor to a heartbreak confessional. Now I would have never realized the adjustment in my altered perspective of relationships until a good friend quoted, “now you’re just upset.” Alright, maybe you had to be there to understand the epic proportion of his statement but he did have a point. No longer was my blog what I intended it to be. However with countless heartbreaks, countless dates and a blog for the year of 2012, I think I have finally understood what exactly my New Years resolution was meant to achieve: How to be single.

 Let me explain. The idea is genius or quite possibly tragic so I beg you, stay with me on this one because you and I both don’t know how this date will end. I have an idea and I need you to be open minded about this.

Constantly I am giving advice I myself fail to follow. I tell those who come to me with concerns and heartbreaking material, the importance in knowing how to be alone. I am not talking about a 24 hour period of no contact with your other half nor am I talking about a two week break while you two take time to think things through. I am talking about waking up each day accepting that you will not wake up to a “Good Morning” text from him. I am talking about having one of the worst days and accepting he will not be there by your side at the end of the day. I am talking about accepting that there may never be someone. Remember when I said the idea might be tragic? Yea, this is that part.

If you know me, you know I like “lists.” I make lists of every thing, it’s a little out of control. I have a tendency to create a list with individual’s I can really imagine myself with. This list consists of places I’ve always wanted to see, food I’ve always wanted to try, and things I’ve always wanted to do, yet, so often it remains unfinished. This list was never completed, in fact, it has hardly been touched and I find myself wrapping up the year of 2012 with an incomplete list.

So here is the genius part: I am spending the remainder of 2012 completing my list, alone. Not sold on how it’s genius just yet? In a relationship, we find ourselves in a routine so often that we fail to forget what would happen if this person never existed. So often we forget how to be ourselves. So often we lack confidence in doing things, even mundane everyday things, by ourselves because we have forgotten what it is like to step outside without someone holding our hand. The reality is, these individuals can disappear from our lives in a matter of seconds for any given reason. I have seen it, time and time again.

So I take on this challenge, a challenge to complete my list. A challenge to recognize that there may not be another person in my life for quite some time but that this list still can and will be completed, just maybe not the way I had always imagined. The challenge begins, learn how to be single by completing lists of dates that "we" never had the chance to cross off, alone.

The Challenge: Complete 5 Incomplete Dates

First Date: Grab my favorite sweats, buy packs of ramen, rent a movie and watch it. Alone. Be prepared for an Instragram upload and an epic caption because without the second part of that date being completed, I may have extra time on my hands.

Second Date: Go to a restaurant I have always wanted try and dine. Alone. This is where Yelp! will be beneficial.

Third Date: Recently, a friend found himself in shock for my lack in movie knowledge. I came up with every excuse in the book but the reality was, I just never had anyone invite me to a movie in a really long time. Naturally, date three, see a movie. Alone.

Fourth Date: Spend a Sunday, the entire Sunday, in bed, with champagne, strawberries and candles. I might cheat on this one considering it might get awkward with the tragic aspect of doing this activity on my own.

Fifth Date: Attend a Spoken Word Poetry Slam. As a writer, an unpaid writer, I have always wanted to observe an event like this but never found that person who had the same interest, and when I did, we never got to cross it off the list. But I can guarantee, these writers wont have my kind of style.

Lesson: I don’t have a conclusion for how these dates will end nor can I tell you whether the idea is truly genius or an epic tragedy. What I can tell you is I stay true to my advice in that we all could use a little alone time and understand the importance in taking on tasks without a helping hand. Be ready for five either genius posts or epic tragic tales of a single girl taking on the Los Angeles dating scene, alone.

Superhero

Superheroes: Benevolent fictional characters with superhuman powers. These individuals are claimed to possess extraordinary powers and abilities or master skills to a remarkable degree. It is said they have a strong moral code, including willingness to risk one’s own self. They possess motivation, taking on a sense of responsibility, or take on a formal calling. It is said often times they possess a secret identity that protects them from becoming targets while others possess costumed identities that are common public knowledge. These superheroes surround themselves with a supporting cast including friends, love interests and often times the cast may not have awareness of the superhero’s identity. A number of enemies, super villains in which surface in their respective story lines often surround these individuals. Most importantly, it is the back-stories that superheroes carry that give reasoning to these extraordinary individuals.

See, I never was the person who believed in superheroes. I was taught to live with a sense of pessimism and self-determination. Time and time again I was reminded that living in a reality where superheroes existed was living in a reality where you make claims of trust, hold your arms out far, fall back, and no one catches you. They simply did not exist.

For the first time, in a long time, I welcomed a superhero into my life. Superheroes have a tendency to come into your life when least expected. I welcomed the idea of a fictional character, a man who was not bound by masculine stereotypes. You know, the nonexistent “good guy.” I welcomed someone with “extraordinary powers and abilities” in that he met my highest expectations with no compromise needed and had the ability to break my guard. This superhero had an unexpected moral code in which he once displayed the ability to risk one’s own self through writing in true form of honesty and vulnerability. And like many superheroes, he created a secret identity. I met two. I met the identity that took on the face of the industry. The identity that reeked confidence, self-assurance, and a stage presence that commanded attention. I define this as the identity that a superhero uses to protect himself from vulnerability. The alternative identity took form of the good guy, the one who could seemingly do no harm and this was made very public.

This superhero was nothing short of a supporting cast and a damn good one at that. I was fortunate to meet some of them. They all seemed to have those superhero like qualities taking form of “genuine good men” who proudly own their identities. And I must admit, this supporting cast sure knew how to throw one hell of a party where one finds they themselves forgetting ever needing saving. Never the less, this superhero is also said to be surrounded by lovers. As a single woman who has been all to familiar with the game, I am not blind when women of interest are present. She was beautiful too, I must admit. And a distraction, because when I was in need of this superhero, he was busy saving her.  It’s funny though, so many of these women don’t see through a superhero’s identity, maybe because they never truly need saving. So I finish this identification of my superhero with this: his back-story. Every superhero has one but it is not my place to identify and expose his.  Just understand that these back stories provide reasoning for their absence.

If I haven’t lost you, just yet, I thank you. Stick with me on this one; I think I can really teach you something:

In recent events, I was in desperate need of saving and that night was no different. I found myself standing alone, bombarded and facing an unfamiliar crowd with remarks being thrown at me. I had no choice but to walk away, in haste, on my own with no one following. It’s funny, one would assume dressed up as Captain America, one would have the backbone to stand ground. I guess I really should have watched the movie to see how it’s done. No sooner had I walked away from battle, there was a superhero close behind, my superhero. One would assume this would be a moment of relief, to finally be seen. After all, I managed to perfect the power of invisibility with this particular individual in recent times. With a superhero close behind, I found myself guarded, vulnerable, and claimed I didn’t need to be saved and for the first time, I heard myself provide an answer to a question I was once never able to answer:

I don’t need to be saved, I need to be able to save myself because good guys like you always end up leaving.

It was this remark that led me to a place of vulnerability and unable to stand ground. I caught myself stuttering and uncertain behind the meaning of my language. This superhero had lost her battle with the villain, her ego, her pride, herself. A discussion was had, a discussion I do not wish to relive at this moment in time publicly. Now here is the ironic part. My hero walked away from me the same night I realized I found him. Staying true to that superhero form.

Lesson: I met a superhero. It is true, they do exist. But I beg to introduce a valuable lesson to all my readers. We all go through a time when we need saving. Yet, despite it all, we get out of bed in the morning and perform our own superhero like tasks. Post battle, my tasks required me to hold my head up high, smile, and reassure my guarded clients “everything will all be okay.” I lied. The fact is I didn’t know it was going to be okay but I saw they needed just someone, anyone, to save them, even if it was just for that moment. So the lesson is here, despite it all, all the heartbreaks, all the challenges, all the lost faith, we continue to thrive and put on that secret identity as the person who has it all figured out. So I beg to question you all, does this make us superheroes?