I can’t win. Feels like it anyway.
I use to be good at this sort of thing. You know, dating, relationships, swag
etiquette. A year later I find myself more lost than ever and with the
inability to translate lessons learned as a single woman. It’s sort of a funny
thing, you know, giving advice on Swag Etiquette where readers respond with
restored faith, a good laugh, and praises for articles that grant a new
perspective on the topic of relationships. So why can’t I still figure it out?
There’s a reason why so many men
and women hate “dating.” I am not talking about dating the way I did in 2012
where the goal was to survive a date filled with interview questions, awkward
silences, and a lack in chemistry. No, not looking for love was actually quite easy.
It's looking for love that brings me to today’s post. And this is where you
think out loud “you can’t look for love, it comes to you.” I said the same once
but the reality is “dating” is called “the dating game” for a reason and if you
don’t play it right, you find yourself where I am, in a catch-22.
I find myself torn between two
personalities. Hear me out, don’t 51/50
me just yet. I have lost some faith. I was once told I was responsible for
ruining someone’s life when I spoke up and ended a relationship that was no
longer moving forward. I was called too sensitive and weak when an emotionally
abusive boyfriend criticized my every move and every thought. I was told 2
years of being in a relationship with me was a waste of time because we were
just too different. I was told I was an amazing woman who had so much to offer
yet I was never his first choice. Just like so many of you I have lost faith
and have “Fuck You” stamped right across my forehead. I’ve become cynical,
indifferent, temperamental, and quite honestly, a pessimist. And let’s just
say, Cupid, you are not the homie.
Now try and date this type of
woman. I mean how could you? She’s cold, indifferent to your romance, and asks
you to leave after your fifteen minutes of fame in the bedroom are up. I became
that woman.
Than there’s another side. The
hopeless romantic. The one that despite it all, the heartbreaks, the cruelty,
the naysayers to love, I still believe in it. it’s ironic based on my track
record, but I remember the relationships I had. The beautiful moments that went
with it. Sure they did have their problems and there was no happily ever after
but they existed and I have to believe there can be something like it again. I
find myself talking to God, briefly, but praying nonetheless that this guy will
be the one. I write these posts, hoping to restore your faith. I send him text
messages with “I Miss You” and sincere hopes in completing that List we created
during a moment I believed it was possible.
Now try and date this type of
woman. I mean how could you? She’s too welcoming. The kind of woman who would
stick by you through it all. The woman who genuinely wants to know how your day
was. The woman who knows despite her inability to cook a meal, she will make
the effort to learn for you. The woman who carefully slips into lingerie and an
outfit to ensure that it remains a surprise till the very end. You try rocking a G-string for 8 hours.
Yet this woman is unnoticed and you tell her she’s amazing but than never hears
from you again. She’s too easy. There’s no chase. What do you get out of it
when so many others are willing to play the game? I became that woman.
So there’s a catch-22, “a situation
in which a desired outcome is impossible to attain because of a set of
inherently illogical rules or conditions” (Webster, 2011). I can’t be both of
these women and win the impossible, it’s simply illogical and leaves room for
error and that’s the catch that we all suffer from. The error in the dating
game.
Ladies, you played the role of the
hopeless romantic and he walked away. You played the role of the “Bitch” and
you must admit it was fun while it lasted but he walked away. Than you tried
playing both, you tried what I do. You tried to keep your guard up, tried to
prevent him from letting you see that hopeless romantic because after all, we
are told the hopeless romantic is unfitting, exhausting, and unwanted. But
we’re women who truly are looking for something different this year, something
close to a fairy tale with realistic inner lining of course so we let our guard
down. We begin to let someone in but we’re only human and find ourselves
fluctuating between two identities. He calls you on it. He highlights your inconsistencies
and reminds you of your mixed messages. Now you’re caught and you don’t know
how to win because this is a catch-22, a desired outcome in finding love in an
impossible set of rules where we women are expected to master a fine line
between the hopeless romantic and the bitch who requires a chase.
Lesson: As a pessimist, I don’t
have a lesson here; I am just as lost as you and caught in this catch-22 but
somehow I keep playing. I don’t know if I will ever win this game, but I know
this, I wont ever stop playing to win and that I say proudly as the hopeless
romantic.
